How To Move On When You Still Hate Your Ex

Breakup is inevitable. Sometimes you need it to figure out what’s the right person for you. I’m not saying it’s easy to move on from your ex, but it’s also not that complicated as we make it to be.

I never witnessed somebody could have so much hate over their ex before until I saw my stepdad. He called it quit with his ex-wife and remarried my mom. But the journey along the way wasn’t smooth at all.

He was pissed at his ex-wife for taking a majority of the assets. In his eyes, he worked so hard for years to get nothing. The house, hectares of land, and the cars all went to his ex-wife. As a result, he held strong grudges over her even until he died last year.

When I asked him why he couldn’t seem to let the hate go, he said something along the lines that the pain is too unbearable, and it’s like he doesn’t deserve it.

But then, looking at the situation, I realized that it’s never a good idea to hold grudges over someone who hurt you — especially when they were once close to you.

According to an article on Psychology Today,

“Hatred is driven by two key emotions of love and aggression: One love for the in-group — the group that is favored; and two, aggression for the out-group — the group that has been deemed as being different, dangerous, and a threat to the in-group.”

This also means that you hate your ex because you still hold onto the old version of you when you were with them. To let go of the hate means you’ll have to face something new and different — which can be scary sometimes.

If you still hate your ex right now and cant’ seem to forgive them, here are some of my best recommendations you can do:

Hate eats away your happiness.

“Holding grudges do nobody good. Speak your anger or let your

anger go.”― Sarvesh Jain.

When my ex broke up with me, I hated him so much that I couldn’t stop cursing him daily. I didn’t care if I always sounded angry or unhappy — my main goal was to let it out.

While it’s normal to have a hard time getting over your ex, it’s not good when you keep doing it for years and years.

On top of it, you’ll also end up feeling miserable all the time because the hate eats away your happiness. Sometimes I saw my dad’s face and could tell that he wasn’t in a happy mood.

Focus on what’s in front of you.

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the

future, concentrate the mind on the present

moment.” — Buddha.

One of the best ways to let go of all the hate is to focus on the present moment. Because when you do put so much energy feeling hateful, your mind tends to always think about the past — and this is what holds you back from moving on.

So whenever you think of your ex and how much you hate them, try to catch that feeling and remind yourself of all the good things happening right now. It doesn’t have to be big things; small events like you can have your alone time and enjoy things you couldn’t enjoy if you’re still with your ex does count.

This is also what worked the best for me when I tried to get over my ex. I became aware when negative feelings came up and did my best to refocus on the present moments.

Allow yourself to forgive and let go.

“The truth is, unless you let go unless you forgive

yourself unless you forgive the situation unless you

realize that the situation is over, you cannot move

forward.” ― Steve Maraboli.

This might be the most challenging part, but you still need to do it if you want to move forward with your life. People like to think that they got all the time in the world, but the truth is it’s very limited.

Just like in my dad’s case, before he died, he used to think that he would be able to forgive his ex-wife “later” — as he ever said, “there’s always time for it but not now.”

Then a year later, he got cancer, and no doctor couldn’t help him survive.

Of course, this is an extreme example, and I hope you don’t have to go through such a thing. So that’s why it’s important to forgive your ex at some point.

You don’t have to rush it and force yourself to forgive them but make it a deadline that by this x year or month, you should be able to live your life without spending hours on hating your ex.

Parting Thoughts

Understand that holding grudges won’t serve you any good purpose. You might think they deserve to get the hate, but the impacts on your mental and physical health can be serious too.

So before it all happens, it’s better to work on the hatred feelings and rebuild your life — without the shadow of your ex.

Moving on is one of the hardest things to do, but years later, when you did it, you’d look back and feel so damn proud of yourself.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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