How to Properly Communicate and Set Your Boundaries as a Dismissive Avoidant

Have you ever had to make a dramatic change in your life that you thought would affect you, but it impacted others?

It is hard to decipher whether you are making a choice that benefits you and will benefit others or question whether or not you’re being completely selfish.

Setting a boundary takes multiple factors into mind. Yes, you decide how to show up and function as your best self by setting rules based on your needs. You also determine who and what you’re willing to walk away from.

We often fade away from our beneficial boundaries because the things we want outweigh what we need.

Some boundaries exist when we have grown and healed, and also ones we create because we are in our growth stage.

How do we communicate a need to someone based on a behavior that feels so personal?

What happens when you’re in a relationship or entering a new dynamic and communicating your boundaries to your partner?

I bring this up when I work with people navigating their attachment style and searching for an avenue toward personal growth and development.

It is hard to feel like you are taking away from someone else to supplement your path and journey.

It feels like you are asking someone to be patient when it is “your fault” for the state you currently exist in.

I’m here to dispel those thoughts and help you discover healthy boundaries and a method to communicate them as someone who identifies as a dismissive avoidant.

Onboarding

One of the tasks an avoidant struggles with is introducing emotions, behaviors, feelings, and boundaries. The problem is you haven’t sat down to discover the source of those in your life.

We know avoidants value their alone time and need time to process.

Why is that important to you, and what happens in that alone time?

To your partner, “I need alone time” sounds like you need time away from them, and you can’t work with them to find a solution.

I’m challenging you to go a layer deeper.

As a former avoidant, I needed a minute to process my partner’s emotions and thoughts, think about my role in an issue or solution, and come to the table with a well-thought-out response.

When introducing your needs and boundaries to your partner, the context cannot be as simple as what you need. You must provide context on the solution your need promotes.

Your partner or potential partner will have clarity on their role or ideas on how to help.

Avoidants often make people feel shut out, and this is step one in reducing that feeling.

The clock

There is a common theme in the failures in a relationship for an avoidant.

You avoid applying a timeframe to almost anything, whether to your personal life or relationships. You go with the flow.

You don’t struggle with the anxiety of the unknown or issues that haven’t found a conclusion at that moment.

Avoidants have to consider something. That’s you.

We have gone beyond adding a layer and context to our communication methods, and we now need to find a middle ground with our partner.

Almost all of an avoidant’s boundaries revolve around time. Time has to be defined by each partner in the relationship so there is an agreement on expectations.

While you communicate your needs revolving around time, you have to give your partner the floor to set the expectation for what is reasonable.

You have to ask what a reasonable amount of time is instead of saying you need it without context.

“I need time to think” Is a different approach than stating why you need time (like step 1) and asking when your partner wants to reengage.

The last piece of this is important to remember. You can return to the table without all the answers and work through the pieces you have put together and the ones remaining.

It is a partnership.

The Golden Brick Road

Your partner needs to feel like they are a piece of the solution.

Avoidants think they are taking action to build the health of the relationship. They fail at working with their partner and remind them of that.

Yes, you want to communicate your needs and boundaries with your partner, but they need to hear and feel that you desire them and want to be in the relationship.

When I talk to partners of avoidants, I hear the same scenario. They feel shut out, and when they finally pull away, here comes the avoidant trying to fight for the relationship. Sometimes, I hear they’re not even fighting for it.

Your partner needs a reminder that you’re committed and that you want to work with them on a path toward success.

It sounds so plain and simple, yet I constantly hear that partners of avoidants want more.

I know it takes you time to open up and be vulnerable. Tell your partner that. Let your partner know that you are working and developing trust.

It feels like an attack when your partner says they want more from you or they notice that you fail in areas.

It is not an attack. It is a truth avoidants must come face to face with if they want a successful partnership.

You would be shocked at how many problems go away when your partner hears that you are committed even if you need time to get there.

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Let’s take this day by day and work toward a true path to success. You cannot snap your fingers and make the change tomorrow, but you can commit to the roadmap to reach the light.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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