10 years ago T. J. Sullivan had his worst year ever. What he learned about resilience became a road map for facing challenges.
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Quick. What was the worst year of your life?
If you don’t know the answer immediately, then you probably haven’t had it yet. By the time they’ve reached middle age, most men know the year that nearly took them out. They pray it is, indeed, their worst year ever. They are unsure if they could survive one worse.
At age 36, my relationship, my health, my finances and my emotional wellbeing were in pieces around me.
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My worst year was 2004—suddenly a single dad, company verging on bankruptcy, mounting personal debt, and an accident that left me on crutches for more than a year. Much of what defined me collapsed in a matter of weeks. At age 36, my relationship, my health, my finances and my emotional wellbeing were in pieces around me.
I started using words like “fragile” in conversations. My friends worried.
I survived the year, going on to new relationships, successes and large doses of happiness. But, 2004 changed me. It toughened me up in some ways, and it exposed long-denied vulnerabilities, too. Getting back to a hopeful, confident place took time.
Trying to recover from the worst year of your life? Try these strategies.
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Take inventory of what’s good. What do you still have in the asset column? We get so wrapped up in what we’ve lost that it helps to recognize what we still have. I had some great things—my beautiful son, an affordable house payment, alternative ways to make a living, strong health insurance. I was nowhere near rock bottom. Can you still work? Is there a relationship in your life you can lean on? Is your car dependable?
I swallowed some pride and called in favors.
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Ask for help. When you already feel like a failure, wallowing in loss and poor self-esteem, asking for help feels like a step further down the hole. I swallowed some pride and called in favors. Colleagues hired me for speaking gigs, and I moved in my aging mother to help raise my son. It takes humility, but you’ll likely be surprised how willing friends, family, colleagues and neighbors are to help.
Identify what frightens you. Fear can be crippling. It paralyzes you, particularly when you’ve been on a losing streak. Determine which fears are real and which are irrational. I worried about failing my son. I worried about money and being able to walk up and down stairs without assistance. Identifying each worry made the whole a lot less scary.
Fix first things, first. As you inventory your fears, rate them. Which ones are you confident you can fix or move in a positive direction? Work on those, first. Successes on those will propel you forward. Start with what seems possible. For me, that meant physical therapy immediately and worrying about dating much later.
Never make big, impulsive changes when you first begin recovering from a bad, terrible year.
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Regain control in small, symbolic ways. Never make big, impulsive changes when you first begin recovering from a bad, terrible year. But, regaining a sense of control with small choices can do wonders. For me, it was painting my bedroom bright blue (a color that my departed partner would have hated). That small, silly act boosted me. Start running. Go visit an old friend. Drive a new way to work. Remind yourself who’s in control.
Feel different and make no apologies. Emerging from a tough year will change you. You will likely “feel different” to those around you, and many will point it out. A parent will express concern that you seem sad, while a work buddy will tease you about skipping Friday happy hour. When you’re in survival mode, you don’t have time to worry about the judgment of others. Make no apologies for how you feel as you recover.
Invest in a few critical friendships. A terrible year will reveal true friendships. Weak, superficial friends make themselves scarce when you’re suffering. Look for those who stuck around—who listened, encouraged and let you feel whatever you needed to feel, good or ugly. Those are the good friends. When you’re feeling better, you’ll need to take care of them and thank them.
Laugh for the rest of the world. Beyond those critical, honest friendships, the rest of the world just wants you to recover, move on, and feel good. Nobody likes a divorced guy, a friend told me. “Laugh and the world laughs with you,” the cliché goes. “Cry and you cry alone.” Perhaps it wasn’t emotionally authentic, but I posted only happy stuff to social media. My superficial networks saw me strong, happy and successful, and I needed those networks in place when I actually felt strong, happy and successful again.
Feel what you need to feel. Own it, and mourn it.
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Grieve your loss. Whether you lost a relationship, a job, a beloved pet, a limb, or moved far away from friends and comfortable surroundings, a bad year usually involves loss of some kind. Feel what you need to feel. Own it, and mourn it. For me, that meant accepting the scar of divorce and failure in business. I lost pride and social standing, and I allowed myself to feel the negative emotions those losses included.
Have something to look forward to. As you sit here in a puddle of loss and hurt, what are you looking forward to? What’s the next cool thing on your calendar? If you don’t have one, get one. Plan something—a big night out with friends, a new car purchase, Christmas in the Bahamas. For me, it was a trip to the desert with a friend. Anticipating it put happy thoughts in my brain.
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Bad years come along. Truthfully, 2014 sucked pretty badly in many ways for me. It wasn’t as bad as 2004, but it sucked.
The resiliency I learned recovering from my “worst year” a decade ago helped me cope this time. This time, I reminded myself that the actions I take to move beyond a bad year get me to the good place that much faster.
Photo—Institute for the Study of the Ancient World/Flickr
This is excellent T.J.! Unfortunately I had a bad seven year stretch (2002-2009) and still have to struggle with some leftover difficulties from it. Your advise is spot on and I used many of the strategies you listed. I think the important thing to note is that usually these bad times pass. Thanks for a good go-to list.
Hi there I have had spell of many years of hell. To much to explain but the last few years a night. I started dated a man for fun. He wanted more I was not in the position mentally and financially nor did I want a long term partner again after one of 13years which was sort of lie. Having delved into this friendship I become honest with this man told him straight. I opened up to this man he turned on me. He called me name I did it back. He got a woman to threaten me and then… Read more »
I always said the worst year of my life was 1999, when lack of work forced me to sell my house and live with my mother while I picked up the pieces. Looking back, I made a big profit from the house sale and moved to London where I started a new relationship and career path. I had friends and a social life. Things were good. Then I thought it was 2012, when the credit crunch meant I struggled to find work and nearly financially crippled me, causing the end of an 8 year relationship. Looking back, I was only… Read more »
Interesting read TJ, honest and truthful. Me, I’m still faking it, while the world sees the trappings of success, I’m as you stated a fragile mess inside. And now I’m grieving the loss of my best friend and the love of my life, who chose to rightly move on, because I still couldn’t leave my alcoholic wife. My hope is gone and my self esteem is a thin thread. How do I survive? Like you said, little goals, I’m just trying to get thru every day, to make it to March
I was thinking this was a great article but then I got hung up on the social media posting stuff. No, it’s NOT authentic. While I “get” that focusing on the positive can lead you to a better place, speaking as someone who has had more than one bad year, I don’t like the trend of NEVER being able to BE authentic because it’s frowned upon. Where does this leave people that are chronically depressed or, God forbid because no one wants to hear this, suicidal? I see people joking on Twitter about everyone on Facebook having rainbows coming out… Read more »
Great article. I’m looking forward to tomorrow night so I can put this year behind me. My dad died, I messed up my knee, finances in a mess, mental breakdown strained my marriage pretty bad……..
GOODBYE 2014!!! Worst year of my life.
Sorry to hear it’s been such a rough go, GB. Hoping 2015 is the year that turns it around for you. Thanks for reading the article.
Thanks for sharing TJ. The past two years have been an unprecedented downward spiral for me. Reluctantly moving back to the UK from the US, separating from wife, finding then losing one job, bring unemployed for six months of last year two of this, turning 40, but some good things too and hopefully 2015 is when my forties catch fire.