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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
The “Bare Minimum” Texter
Have you ever engaged with someone whose text messages require so little effort that you wonder why you keep trying? Yet, you also feel an irresistible urge to continue the conversation. This is what I call “bare minimum texting,” and today, I want to discuss how to break free from it.
What does it look like to show up in a way that encourages someone to put in more effort?
I recently stumbled upon a TikTok video where a woman was breaking down a frustrating text exchange with a guy who was driving her crazy. Let’s watch it together.
Today was giving bare minimum.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning.” I didn’t reply with an emoji because, like, why would I?
“How are we feeling?”
I called him, but he didn’t pick up. I said, “Call me.” He replied, “Hold up. Baby girl, talking to my man. He’s telling me something.” Okay, very dry.
He responds three hours later with: “What are you doing?”
“What am I doing right now? Nothing. You’re not responding.”
Her frustration is palpable, especially when her friend suggests she shouldn’t respond at all.
The Internal Struggle
This video epitomizes the internal struggle we experience. One part of us wants to vent about how awful someone is, while the other part desperately wants to connect with them.
Have you ever sat down with friends to decode text messages? You receive a text, wonder what it means, what you should say back, and then hold a tribunal with your friends to figure it out.
This woman wouldn’t even be having this conversation with her friends if he were putting in enough effort that she found enjoyable. It would be a very different conversation.
You may recognize this type of guy from one of my previous videos. He comes in strong, shows interest, and then disappears—except he doesn’t truly disappear; he pops up occasionally with intermittent texts to ensure you don’t forget him.
The “Minimum Possible Investment” (MPI) guy is the one who puts in the least effort required to keep your attention while giving as little as he can get away with.
Let’s break this down step by step using this woman’s text exchange as an example of how she might have communicated differently.
She starts out with a likable demeanor: “Good morning.” When she says she didn’t reply with an emoji because, “why would I?” she falls into a common trap. Regardless of his dry message, she responds with a one-word reply, showing a degree of aloofness.
When we protect ourselves by being aloof, we fail to demand what we truly want. We aren’t communicating our needs clearly.
Modeling the Behavior We Want to See
We must model the kind of energy we want to receive in return. A great quote comes to mind from Shakespeare, who said of Falstaff, he was “not just a wit but a cause of wit in others.” This means we can lead by being what we want to see from others.
By being more flirtatious, we can elicit flirtation in return. By being authentic, we inspire authenticity. This requires a level of leadership—not waiting for someone to meet us at our standard but setting the standard ourselves.
When she calls him, it shows proactivity and confidence. However, when he doesn’t pick up and she responds with “call me,” that message lacks warmth.
Instead, she could say, “Hey, I just tried calling but couldn’t get through. Give me a call when you have a moment.” This approach models the mature communication she wants in return.
When he finally responds after a long wait, she expresses annoyance by saying, “You never called me back. It’s so annoying.” While we can sympathize with her frustration—it’s truly annoying—this statement has the opposite effect of what she desires.
In expressing annoyance, she inadvertently gives him more attention for behavior she doesn’t want. By saying “it’s annoying,” she communicates that she cares too much, thus rewarding him for his lack of effort.
Without changing her communication, she enables his behavior. When he texts again a few days later, she has inadvertently communicated indifference instead of setting a clear standard for what she expects from their interactions.
A Different Approach
Let’s imagine she sends a message indicating she’s available for a more meaningful conversation. If he replies with something dismissive, like “I’m out with my boys tonight,” she can say, “No worries, have a great evening! Let’s catch up tomorrow when you can actually talk.”
This way, she isn’t being cold; she is simply setting a boundary and expressing that any contact from him should be purposeful.
**What If He Texts Instead of Calls?**
What if he shoots her a text the next day asking how her day is going? This situation feels a bit like gaslighting, whereby he acts as if he forgot that she specifically asked for a phone call.
In response, she could say, “I feel like it’s too much effort to get you on the phone for a real conversation. I don’t mind texting, but these short exchanges aren’t fulfilling for me. Are you only interested in texting?”
This message is direct and empowered, leaving him with nowhere to hide.
Conclusion
I want to note that I don’t know the nuances of her situation prior to this text exchange. Perhaps there was a significant fight, which could explain her short replies. Nonetheless, the principles discussed here stand strong.
If you find yourself in similar situations, you might want to explore more about your communication style. I invite you to check out Matthew AI, a new tool designed to help you navigate text exchanges and improve communication.
Go to askmh.com, where you can ask your questions, share your concerns, and receive tailored advice based on your specific situation.
Thank you for watching, and I hope you’re inspired to love life and communicate more effectively!
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
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