How to Spot a Player and Emotionally Unavailable Daters

Ask Wendy: Dating, Sex & Relationship Advice for the Bold

Hey Wendy,

What are the warning signs that a guy is a player? How can I spot a commitment-phobe or someone who’s emotionally unavailable?

Kendra K.

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Hey Kendra,

Try noticing what he is committing to.

If he’s agreed to a date, he’s already committed to you.

He’s committed to a date. And you can’t expect more than that from a total stranger.

I understand that you want to know as soon as humanly possible if a guy has staying power and the ability to commit — that’s a normal wish. But trying to sort that in advance or on a first date is like trying to predict the winner of the final rose on “The Bachelor” while you’re watching the season’s pilot.

I mean sure, there are some obvious candidates who are blowing it. You can count on drunk girl, cuz she always shows up in episode one. The slightly strange and inappropriate loudmouth will make her appearance. And you expect overly-possessive stalker girl to lose that rose. But the winner? Too soon to tell.

The same can be said about a first date. If he’s obviously a seduction scene creeper, it’s fine to belt out, “What up, player?” and be out. (And if you do this, please IPhone-record it and send it to me for my personal amusement.) For normal daters, it’s going to take some time.

If you show up open, easy-breezy and without applying any pressure or expectations, your date will most likely share where he’s at in life and what he’s up to if you listen long enough.

Listening — an Extraordinary Tool

You’ll learn if he’s hunting a wife, or if he’s just in it for fun. If he’s around or if he works out of town too much. You’ll learn if he just ended something major and he’s not ready for anything deep. Your job is to listen and to hear what he’s saying — even if you want what he’s saying to be something else.

“But How Do I Know?”

So, you date him. Listen, instead of searching for clues. And as you get to know each other, you can watch to see if his actions match his words. Wait until you have a track record of him showing up, again and again, doing what he said he would, and not doing what he said he wouldn’t.

I wish I had a hack for this, but there’s no shortcut for building a relationship and understanding specifically what you can trust and rely on people for.

Happy dating!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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