How to Stop Obsessing Over the Issues Going On in Your Relationship

It’s a natural behavior to care about your relationship and navigate issues with your partner as you work through solutions.

You want to show that you are putting work into your dynamic and show your partner you value their position in your life.

When do you think you have crossed the line, and your efforts start to feel like you are obsessing over the relationship?

Whether your thoughts are racing about the progress you are making, you’re going through relationship troubles, or you are going through a breakup, there is a point when it feels like those thoughts are consuming you.

I have been in your position before. Your relationship becomes a priority over your day-to-day life and ability to function.

You feel like every move you make has to be perfect, and if you don’t get the response you wanted, you have committed the ultimate crime.

The whirlwind of thoughts going through your mind can become so overwhelming that they have a high impact on your mental health.

Don’t worry, you’re not alone, and you’re not crazy.

You do need to implement a new set of behaviors and beliefs to help work through these times.

Be patient with yourself and understand that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Lose control

There is an issue that I see most prominent at the forefront of overthinking and obsession: control.

You are indeed experiencing the raw emotion of your experience. Sadness, fear, and the feeling of loss can take over.

People fail to notice that they are experiencing a loss of control.

You don’t feel like you have control over your dynamic, and you feel like your partner has control over your emotions.

You add a layer of shame that you feel weak and can’t mentally process and soothe the situation.

I tell clients that the only way to gain control is to lose the desire to have it.

We think we can convince people of the picture we see through our lens: “If I say it clearly and concisely, they’ll understand. “ “If I put in more effort, they will see the value. “ “If I try my hardest, I will stop thinking about it.”

These frames of logic are as far from the truth as possible.

You are performing a mind trick on yourself to gain a leg up and feel strong.

You will feel worse until you learn to release the need for control.

It starts with understanding that you control your actions and the response to those are out of your control.

You can not create a band-aid or bridge for someone to understand the value.

Let it hit

There is a pattern to overthinking, and you have to break the cycle if you are going to make it to the self-soothing stage.

The pattern generally starts with trying to eliminate the emotion or feeling you are experiencing.

You suppress the feelings and emotions and will go as far as becoming critical of yourself for your current state of mind.

I want you to do the exact opposite.

Yes, feel your feelings.

It is okay to be sad, lonely, and unhappy momentarily.

Emotions last longer when we try to combat them and not experience the processing.

You tell yourself that you are overreacting or putting too much energy into something, and that thought process compounds.

Instead of going head-to-head with the root cause, you have added another pain point.

You feel isolated, and when you think you are alone in your experience, it turns into questioning your self-worth.

Do you see how something as simple as a disagreement has snowballed into you questioning your value?

Take the process a step at a time and let the wave of emotion hit you so you can have clarity moving forward.

I have set a timer for thirty minutes and vented to myself. After that time, I killed it.

Did the thought resurface? Of course. Since I took the time to experience my emotions, I had the correct state of mind to handle resurfacing thoughts.

Set the boundary and don’t cross the line.

The duo

I know it sounds cliche, but finding the avenue to compassion is a healthy solution to your problem.

Before I did the work, there was a time when I would overthink and it was hard to mix compassion into the equation.

Since I felt alone and as if my partner wasn’t spending the same amount of time focusing on the issue, it was hard to be compassionate.

The reason we overthink is that we feel like we are bearing the weight of the problem and solution alone.

We feel like we are being neglected and left alone on an island.

Compassion comes into play when you ease off the gas and realize you cannot bear the weight and responsibility alone and you also have to understand where someone is in their development.

Let me give you an example.

What is something you know now that you didn’t know five years ago and it has completely changed your life?

Do you hate the version of yourself that existed five years ago? No. You might have wished you had the foresight to understand what you know now, but you don’t hate that person.

Realize that about your partner. Yes, you can deal with someone who is bad at communication, lacks awareness of your emotions, or a laundry list that I can go on and on about.

You have to understand that is who they are today.

No, that does not mean you accept mistreatment and give them chance after chance.

It is all about approaching with compassion and understanding that a person needs time. Whether that time is spent with you or not is a different question.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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