I don’t think I’ve ever experienced as much pain as the pursuit of an unavailable person. It’s like a math problem I just can’t solve, and the constant calculating — what to say, when to say it, what to feel, who to talk to about it, what to text, “Why hasn’t she texted me?” — all contribute to a hamster wheel of endless rumination.
It’s like a supercomputer trying to calculate weather patterns or what the earth will look like in half a billion years. It just takes so much fucking energy to process all the ways to make it work, and the possible reasons why this person just won’t give me what I need.
I call unavailable people Unicorns. Why? Because most of the time we look at these mythical creatures as someone who can “save us,” or transform us into something greater than we are. Our low sense of worth propels us into the arms of any person who’s just out of reach, or just totally unavailable.
I’ll tell you my theory right now, which I’m sure is not what you wanna hear:
They’re not gonna meet your needs in the way that you say you want. Not now, not in a month from now, never.
Why? Because quite simply, you’re already getting what you need from them.
Sounds crazy? Read on.
Addictions
The first thing to look at when you find yourself pursuing unavailable people, is to find the payoff. Everything we do — even things that are bad for us — have some sort of payoff. Otherwise, why would we do them?
When we repeatedly do something despite negative consequences, that’s called an addiction.
Addressing addictions usually requires support, so I recommend working with someone like a coach, a 12 Step sponsor, a counselor, therapist, or support group. There are several great books out there, but having an accountability partner (or people) is paramount in pattern cessation. I suggest you find someone before starting this process.
1. Address your addiction to fantasy
Many people don’t realize it, but fantasy addiction is very, very real. Those who know the power of this addiction define themselves as having it, because its destructive power is immense. The more trauma we’ve experienced as kids, the more propensity for fantasy we have — particularly around other people.
This is what Robert W. Firestone calls The Fantasy Bond.
When we enter romantic relationships, we tend to idealize our partner without really knowing them, putting them on a pedestal so they can shower us with validation from above. We imagine that their “magic” will somehow transform us into eternally happy beings, where all of our needs are fulfilled.
Unfortunately when reality sets in, and we realized our partner has different values, a short temper, talks really loud when drinking, snores, or sometimes forgets to put on deodorant, the fantasy bubble pops.
The “magic” is gone.
It is impossible for any person to live up to the fantasy we’ve built around them, but this is when true intimacy is possible.
Unfortunately this is when most relationships explode or fizzle out.
2. Address your addiction to anxiety
Believe it or not, many people are actually addicted to anxiety, and subconsciously create situations in which they can experience it. Pursuing an unavailable person creates anxiety because they can never get close enough to fill that void or scratch that itch, and the pursuer is always left wondering when the next hit of validation will come.
Unfortunately, many addicts actually crave the anticipation that comes from seeking that hit even more than the hit itself.
This is known as Intermittent Reinforcement.
When humans are born into unstable homes, where the infant’s or toddler’s needs were not met in a consistent manner, a biological fear of abandonment is triggered. This is because the amygdala — the primal, emotional center of the brain — is developed in infancy, but the other centers are not.
This sets up the person to become hypervigilant, or hyper-attuned to any sign of abandonment from their partner, boss, friend…anyone they care about.
Unwittingly, these types of people will actually create scenarios that introduce anxiety into their lives, because they fit the belief system that the world is unsafe, people are going to leave them, and that they’re not worthy of love.
Enmeshment & Abandonment Trauma
3. Heal your attachment wounds
People with addictions almost always have some form of attachment and abandonment trauma, leading to a deep fear of intimacy and vulnerability.
This goes back again, to the inconsistent nurturing we received in our earliest years of childhood, and in relationships, people tend to manage their anxiety in one of two ways: anxious preoccupation and dismissive avoidance. Another type, the Fearful Avoidant, exhibits a mix of both the Anxious and Avoidant types.
Both the Anxious and Avoidant will reinforce their hidden belief that intimacy is too scary to endure through the partners they select.
While both types crave intimacy and closeness, they create situations that actually guarantee that they won’t experience it.
What they will experience instead is excitement through a constant “in-out” dynamic that does not lead to intimacy, but anxiety, and a mistaken feeling of “love.”
4. Separate from your enmeshed parent
Enmeshment trauma is a silent epidemic — or maybe we can say pandemic — that has been at the core of Western Society’s family issues for generations. The Mama’s Boy or Daddy’s Little Girl, are examples of what results from an overly-close bond with Mom or Dad.
For men this bond is almost always with Mom, and for women it can be with Mom or Dad. In any scenario, it’s deadly to maintaining intimacy in a relationship.
Many symptoms, from eating disorders, sex and love addiction, substance abuse, gambling addiction, and a host of other coping strategies, are linked to enmeshment trauma.
To add to the confusion, many people with these maladaptive strategies actually say they had a perfect childhood!
What the fuck!?
Enmeshment, also known as emotional or covert incest, can create all sorts of (what I call) Intimacy Defense Mechanisms.
These can range from distancing, silence, emotional walls, cheating (emotional or physical), or the compartmentalization of sex from love.
In fact, this desire to distance oneself can be so strong, it can feel almost enjoyable, leading to what one might consider abandonment abuse. It’s all baffling because the person doing the pushing away wants intimacy, yet it activates their defense mechanisms once they come near it.
Conclusion
If it’s not obvious, changing from pursuing unavailable people to accepting available ones is going to take some work.
In fact, I’d say it’s going to take a lot of work, but with time and effort it’s possible. Attachment theorists would call this moving from insecure to secure, and while our attachment styles are programmed in our pre-verbal years, along with powerful systems like our family roles and internalized beliefs, it is possible to change with the right tools.
As I said, It’s highly recommended that before doing any of this work you have a guide to help you along the way. This is powerful shit, and it’s going to bring up a lot of emotions as you trudge through it.
While there is no destination, the journey is totally worth it.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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