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It’s not your imagination–that sudden, inexplicable distance between you and your partner. Lisa Arends explains.
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We’ve all felt it.
That certain chill in the air. The posture slightly too rigid and closed off. The tone that is just a little too clipped. The words may be right, but something is off.
A disconnection. It’s like the plug that charges the relationship is only partly plugged in.
It happens in every relationship. It can be as minor as one partner withdrawing for a few moments or hours. Or, it can also prove fatal to the marriage when withdrawal becomes the default position.
So why do people withdraw from their partners? What makes the connection faulty and the charge intermittent?
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Fear of Intimacy
It’s scary to allow someone in to your innermost thoughts, dreams and fears. As relationships progress into ever-deepening levels, it’s common to pause and even retreat for a bit to acclimate to the new level of connection must like a deep sea diver has to take breaks on the return to the surface. This type of withdrawal, when short-lived, is nothing to worry about. It’s simply time spent adjusting and processing before the next level is reached. If, however, the retreat from intimacy occurs early and often, it may be a sign that someone is not yet ready to be vulnerable and open.
You can have a situation where both people crave connection yet are too afraid to risk asking for it.
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Fear of Rejection
This withdrawal type can lead to a sad self-feeding loop. One partner is afraid of rejection and decides that he or she would rather retreat than risk approach. The other partner can then easily feel rejected by their partner pulling back. You can have a situation where both people crave connection yet are too afraid to risk asking for it. If you find that you are afraid of rejection, work to address your own needs that allow this worry to grow. If your partner makes a bid for attention, work to respond in a way that is accepting rather than rejecting.
Flooding
Some people are more sensitive than others; an amount of emotion that may feel perfectly tepid to one person may be scalding to another. When somebody floods, their emotions are overwhelming them. And even though their surface may remain placid, inside they are a tantruming toddler. When someone is flooded, they are unable to respond rationally and struggle to normalize their emotional balance. When something is too intense, it’s natural to retreat for a time. Flooding is often a sign of some unresolved trauma, the emotions triggered having more to do with the past than the present. If your partner is easily triggered, work to be supportive and patient while encouraging him or her to address the underlying issues. If you find that you are easily overwhelmed, make resolving your trauma a priority.
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Anger
Some people wear their anger on their sleeves, leaving no doubt as to the emotion at the helm. Others are more covert, either because they have been trained to hide anger or because they are afraid of addressing the underlying problem face on. And furtive anger can often lead to withdrawal when one partner steams in silence. When anger is at a peak, it is often advisable to retreat for a time to calm down and think more rationally. That respite should be followed by approach, communicating the anger and working together to resolve the broken boundaries. If one (or both) partners consistently fume from afar, the anger will only mutate into resentment, causing a more permanent rift in the relationship.
The initial withdrawal can occur for any of the above reasons. If it is then followed by a desperate grab for attention by a panicking spouse, it sets up the choreography for a dance where one partner is always retreating and the other is always grasping.
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Introversion
Some people simply require more solitude than others. It’s easy for an extrovert to sense a disconnect from their introverted partner when the latter is retreating in order to refuel his or her energy. If you are the more introverted partner, it is your responsibility to communicate your need for alone time to your spouse and make connection and intimacy a priority when you are together. If you are feeling left out by an introvert, learn how to establish connection without overwhelming their senses.
Outside Pressures
Marriages do not exist in a vacuum. We all have demands placed (okay, sometimes heaped) upon us from outside the relationship. Withdrawal can occur anytime someone is feeling overwhelmed and overworked. It’s a method of survival, cutting off blood flow to some areas in order to focus on what is critical in the moment. A marriage can survive a short-term starvation of attention and energy. Yet leave the tourniquet on too long, and there will be no marriage to return to. If your spouse is in survival mode, strive to be compassionate yet also persistent about maintaining connection. If you are the drowning one, don’t neglect to ask your spouse for a hand.
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Pursuer/Withdrawal Dance
This is one of the fatal relationship patterns often described by Gottman. Understand that your partner’s withdrawal has more to do with them then with you. Don’t take it personally. But at the same time, take it seriously, because a habit of withdrawal can initiate a catastrophic domino effect. The initial withdrawal can occur for any of the above reasons. If it is then followed by a desperate grab for attention by a panicking spouse, it sets up the choreography for a dance where one partner is always retreating and the other is always grasping.
All relationships have an ebb and flow of intimacy. The challenge is learn how to ride it out rather than allow any periods of withdrawal to slide into a downward spiral of disconnection. For the partner sensing the distance and craving connection, the key is to relax and not push away or flood the more reserved partner. And for the attachment to return, the retreating partner must be aware of his or her own patterns and make a sustained effort to maintain the intimacy.
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Originally Published: Lessons From the End of a Marriage
Stock photo ID:159179360
Seeing is believing they say ,something was wrong but I
couldn’t find my way around it .A friend introduced me to https://instagram.com/legit_hacker77 who without physical access
to my spouse’s phone got full access to all
texts ,calls,Facebook,WhatsApp and other social media .I
find out my spouse was cheating with someone he met
from a secret dating app on the phone (seeking
Arrangements) I’m working on filing for a divorce right now
so sad about it’s only right .you can just contact him if you
have similar issue and be safe with your relationship
Hi, i’ve been talking to this guy and everything was perfect on Friday and then we didn’t see eachother all weekend. When Monday came he was acting super distant and when asked him if he wanted to hold my hand he said he didn’t care. What am i supposed to do? i am very worried about him.
Been in a relationship for 10 years now, my partner started to distance himself and spend more time with his friends. I would ask him to hang with me go on dates just so different thing that we started not doing and he would always have some type of excuse but the come him and be leave with his friends. I felt like he as pushing me away so I started to fall back and not be so interested in doing things or going places until he was ready. Then I found out I was pregnant and it just got… Read more »
Just returned to the world of dating, at 50 after a four-year healing hiatus post divorce! There is so much to learn, this is timely!
I’m not divorced but I do have a tendency to withdraw because several family members always have a tendency to make negative statements causing me to distance. I’ve accepted that I need some family. I moved 2 hours away and committ to a visit once every 2 months because I discovered my family stressed me out too much. This was a solution instead of abandoning the ship entirely which is really what I wanted to do.
loved it … makes so much sense 😉
I really appreciated this article. I’m usually on the outside looking in and this theme has plagued me across several deep and meaningful relationships. This was very insightful! It’s everything I’ve been asking for out of my Lover but was never offered. I think I probably do unknowingly overwhelm at times because I didn’t know what I was up against. I suspected fear but you added a lot of clarity here.
So intermittent and casual support/encouragement only in those “disappearing act” times?
Thank you very much!
It’s probably not enough to help our engagement but useful nonetheless.
I think that if it is the responsibility of the introvert to speak up about their introversion needs, then it should be the extrovert’s responsibility to listen and understand that the introvert needs alone time.. Especially when the introvert and extrovert have been hanging out almost every day or every day and have a lot of people that they talk to regularly.. There IS such a thing as burn-out, and an extrovert ignoring or intimidating an introvert into continuing to stretch themselves past a certain point is potentially traumatic. It is not easy to bring up my need to “introvert”… Read more »
I absolutely love this.
Common sense, actionable, supportive.
Thank you very much, Lisa, I am now following you.
This is all well and good for those that are married, but what about those that have experienced this with a friend or a lover. I’ve had my character defamed because of someone I had been friends/lovers with for a decade that felt like my “flooding” was a sure sign of I’m a stalker/crazy/mentally unstable. I’ve been trying to ask for years why they retreated and to take responsibility for anything I caused. The whole “dance” you stated is what has been happening until they painted a picture to the police that I’m a stalker for asking questions and apologizing.… Read more »
Such a great article.
I have realised I have the situation of feeling flooding constantly when I am with someone I like, and it was impossible for me to act rationally, but I have never thought it was caused by trauma. I wonder how I could overcome this.
Missed the mark here, in my experience. Withdrawing is a distancing tactic, prepping for a departure. Yes, if you react by upping attention/affection it might work as a patch, but not for long. That person’s thought and affection are elsewhere. Brace yourself, you are about to be dumped. 🙁
It’s common to withdraw as a step towards exiting. And it’s also common to withdraw (in the short term) for many other reasons that have nothing to do with a lack of relationship satisfaction. Withdrawal is a protective stance, not always an exit strategy.
There is no such thing has temp withdrawal , once it’s done , so is the permanent damage. Stick to Math
Great articulation.
It’s interesting that you mention craving a connection. When my ex left me, I had really been craving a connection, like I just needed to spend some quality time with her, and then she dumped me. It makes sense why I was feeling that way at the end for sure.
Sorry you experienced that. A lack of connection when you’re craving it is so painful. It is true that sometimes withdrawal means the end is near. And sometimes it doesn’t. And, as I learned with my divorce, relationships can also end with no warning.