I’m a recovering worrywort. That worry shit was plastered all over mom’s face. I thought to myself, “Nah, I’m gonna be different. I won’t worry like her.”
When I became a parent for the first time, I worried about little things. And my child would throw some tantrums. Then I remembered how useless worrying is. It didn’t serve my over-protective mom. It’s not serving me. So I thought to myself, “Let’s explore not worrying and see how my child responds.”
I was blow away by what I noticed. The moment I switched my worry switch off, there were no tantrums.😲
Of course as my child grew older, I had new things to worry about. The only difference was that I worried less and focused more on empowering him.
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I get the feeling that adults love to worry. Especially parents. They think it’s their birth right to worry just because they’ve become a parent. Like that’s what parents do.
The dialogue in the parent’s mind goes something like this:
I have no control over this child. I’m losing control. Omg, I’ve lost control! Omg, what a horrible parent am I? I can’t even control my child. What will happen of him/her when he/she grows up?
Dear parent, why do you worry so much?
Why do I worry? Because I care about what may happen. It’s my child, after all.
So is worrying going to stop that from happening?
Errr…No.
So does worrying make you feel like you’re ‘doing’ something about it?
Errr.. Hmm 🤔🤔
What could you do instead of worrying?
I don’t know.
Worrying is projecting the negative movie playing in your head. What you fear or worry about may or may not happen.
OMG! But I freak out! I don’t want my child to get hurt.
That’s understandable. But it hasn’t happened. You have to go behind the projector and watch the scene playing out in your mind like a movie.
Wow! So I stop reacting. Hmm 🤔
Correct. That’s the first thing. You realize that you don’t have any control over it. The only control you have is over how you respond to life, to your child.
So you’re saying that my mind is the one that wants to control the things it has no control over. And then it freaks (me) out.
Absolutely! 💯 You know at some point your child won’t do what you tell them to do. He/she will most certainly copy what you do. So if you have bad habits like leaving things around and forgetting to put them back, maybe start putting things back together. Or, for example, stop spending time on your device.
You mean, practice what I preach?
Yeah. That’s a good place to start. And then, if you can talk to your child like an individual who can think for him/herself, that would be great!
What?
Yes. Children respond better when they are empowered. They feel respected. They start to cherish this individuality.
But, that’s my baby!
…who is no longer a baby and in fact a capable young human. Could you train your eyes to look at them as separate from you? That they have an identity of their own besides being your child?
😲😳 I’m clueless about this.
I imagine you weren’t seen as an individual with an identity of your own.
Nope! Not until reading these words.
Right. You weren’t empowered, so then how can you empower others? Your parents worried, and so you worry. Would you like your child to be come a worrier like you?
Not really.
Then what would you like them to become?
Capable independent citizens of the world, be healthy, have positive relationships and successful pursuits.
That’s great. Can you help them see that they already are capable independent citizens of the world, healthy, have positive relationships and successful pursuits?
Wow. I never thought of it like that. You mean I can help them see their capabilities? Of course, I want to! How do I do that?
You can communicate to them with your eyes, in your approval, through your words of encouragement, open and positive body language, understanding and compassion in your voice, and teach them with patience.
They will see themselves through my eyes, and they will feel empowered?
Yes. they will. When you don’t let emotions hijack your mind, you and your child can have an empowering adult conversation. They may not say it to your face, but they’ll think you’re pretty awesome.
I’m pumped. I can’t wait to have an empowering conversation with my child just to see for myself how it goes!
Oh my! I can’t wait to hear how you go. I’m excited for you. Come back and let me know in the comments!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock.com
Thank you for your generous parenting & teaching
Thank you Robert. Glad to be of service.