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I’ve been in love for 25 years straight.
Plus a few days. Twenty-five years from last Monday, I met her.
In a way, I think I do believe in love at first sight. Well, how about “love at first night”? And no, it wasn’t a night in bed. It was an evening where we talked to each other for several hours. By the end of our initial meeting, I knew I would fall in love with this woman, so I figured I’d just start sooner rather than later.
It was September 8, 1989, at our college frosh cabaret. The band sucked.
A friend I was with needed a wingman; he wanted to talk to my future wife’s blonde friend, and asked me to come with him to “talk to the brunette.” I took a look at her, she saw me looking and smiled, and without even speaking to my friend I began walking towards her.
I was 21. She was 18. She’d just broken up with the fellow she had been seeing all through high school. I’m the rebound guy.
By the end of that evening I had asked her on a proper date. Not coffee. I kissed her goodnight as well. This wasn’t about “making my intentions known” or any other alpha male crap. This was about doing what I felt compelled to do. It was about following my heart. From that first meeting I wanted her, and I pursued, and kept on pursuing, because it was obvious the feelings were reciprocated.
Early on, there was no question we were a couple, to the exclusion of all others. Within a couple of months I knew we’d get and stay married. She knew it too.
How did we know? How can my experiences help you?
I’ve written a fair bit of relationship stuff, but I’m not an expert. I didn’t study this in school. I read about it, usually in learning how to be a better husband, and I observe, and I use my brain to mull things over. People tell me I give them good relationship advice. There’s your caveat. Take this advice, or don’t take it.
Here’s how, according to James, you know she’s the one:
You’re sexually attracted to her, and this is something that grows with time
The more time you spend with her, the better she looks. The more you want her, not just to have sex, but to touch, to hold, to kiss. You note that she has these feelings for you as well.
You get lots of positive reinforcement
Your meetings leave you feeling good. You walk away from each encounter feeling better than before. This doesn’t mean there won’t be times that she pisses you off, or vice versa, but overall, the relationship is something that makes you want to do that again.
You talk about your future together
This one almost seems cliché, and probably every other “is she/he the one” article includes it. That’s because it’s worth including. If you’re not thinking about your future together, the relationship probably won’t have one.
You willingly make sacrifices for her, and vice versa
I went through a radical shift in career plans in order to be with my wife instead. I have zero regrets on this. She has made numerous sacrifices for me as well. We never begrudge the other for this, because always – ALWAYS – the relationship comes first. We’re a team who works together, with the overriding goal being the happy continuation of our marriage. If there is a problem in the marriage, it’s all hands on deck to fix it, because nothing is more important to us than us.
There is a high degree of trust
You trust each other, because it’s earned. Jealousy kills relationships.
You make your own rules
Society has it’s own ideas about how relationships are supposed to progress, and who is supposed to sleep with who and in what position and after how long and in what hole and all that crap. You ignore that, and instead come up with your own plan as a team, you do this because …
You talk to each other a lot
If she’s your favorite person to talk to, then this is a good sign.
When you’re down, she’s the one you want
If something is wrong and you need a shoulder to cry on, it’s not mama you run to, it’s her.
You agree on the big things
Kids are a big thing. Money can be a big thing. Sex is a big thing.
Who is president, the level to which Nickelback sucks, and which team you prefer to put more footballs in nets and hockey pucks in baskets are not such big things.
You help each other achieve dreams
I babysat my wife through medical school and residency. It was like having a special needs child. She needed me to, and I never regretted a moment of helping her achieve her dream.
And she has done the same for me in my career. I also became more or less a single parent for six months while she chased her black belt in karate, and she picked up a lot of slack while I trained for a Boston qualification. Speaking of which …
You don’t keep score
You just trust that, over time, the give and take is coming out even.
She makes you better
Another cheesy cliché.
It’s from that As Good as it Gets movie: “You make me want to be a better man.” Regardless of gender, it’s not just wanting, it’s actually doing it. It’s taking concrete action in order to improve yourself, because you want to be a person who is worthy of her. And she’s doing these things too. She’s trying just as hard to be worthy of you.
She encourages you to have your own life
Pretty self-explanatory. Also, she has her own life too.
And finally …
It feels right
I have seen chemistry go sideways when it’s the only thing, but when you have the above and you have that chemistry, she’s probably the one.
So do what you can to hang onto her.
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This post originally appeared at SixPackAbs.com
Photo: Getty Images
There is a better test – faster and more precise.
She’s the One if you are happy to get whatever tantrums, accusations, or other shit she throws at you.
Can I get a hallelujah? An article about finding the right partner without so much as a whiff of victimhood. I love how straight-up this article is, with its no-bullshit language. (I am sure there are lots of good articles out there, but I have just come off of a little stretch of men-as-victim ones. This is a breath of fresh air.) I love my life and am not actively seeking a partner, but if I do meet the right man I would have no hesitation with that level of devotion. I have just never really met a potential mate… Read more »
* You realise you will never feel lost with her. Anywhere you are, together, is where you are meant to be. * The nature of time changes and works with you not against you * You don`t care about proving yourself or proving points to anyone else anymore * You don’t fear death and growing old, together, is something to look forward to ** You get the feeling that you have existed in infinite realms before….and it has for this moment, in this realm, you have again met up with your soulmate….this life becomes a treasured gem. * You (re)learn… Read more »
These are the words, the insights that I have been working toward. My challenge is recognizing the other side, when I am in the right place but they are not. I’ll feel they are the right one, buy they don’t share that feeling.
So, I’ll keep looking, perhaps taking things more slowly until I can trust I’m not blinded by my own perceptions and can see their side clearly.
Thanks for a great post.
I was going to write this article a couple of days ago. No need. You nailed it. Its about it feeling right, when you do all the real things in life.
All of this, I felt for someone who is still in my life, but did not marry me. She married someone else, and is now divorced from him, with custody of their children. Despite all of this, I still talk with her and sometimes spend time with her. We are friends, not lovers, even though she already knows my feelings. I still find it difficult to love someone else. I may desire other women, but what I feel for her, is much different. 95 % outlined here. The only difference is we don’t talk about the future or carrying a… Read more »
Yes. All of this. Even if you’ve been in other relationships after losing him to life’s complications while you were kids in high school. Even if it’s been several decades since you’ve seen one another. These things don’t change … if he’s the one. It really is the strangest and most wonderful thing to know he was and still is the one. Especially if you’ve been scarred deeply enough that were he not the one you’d never take this chance again.