When someone you love is trapped within the throes of addiction or a bout of mental illness, those around them suffer the most.
It is hard for them to understand what their spouse, partner, child, parent, friend or family member is going through. Most often, they want to help their loved one overcome the battle but they don’t know where to start and end up enabling them instead.
My husband and I have both overcome obstacles of addiction and mental health issues throughout the course of our marriage and we want to share with you four ways that you can help your loved ones find the courage within themselves to reach out for the help they need.
Don’t Keep Telling Them They Have A Problem
Chances are, they are well aware already that they are on a slippery course to Hell in a handbasket. The constant reminder is only going to make them feel cornered. They think you are repeating yourself as if you expect them to just wake up normal the very next day. Every thought that isn’t obsessing over feeling better at the moment is spent thinking about how much of a human aberration they are by comparison to the rest of the functioning world. They are in a well-hidden state of self-loathing which courses through their veins like the blood which keeps them alive. Pushing someone to have the revelation you want or expect is only going to push them deeper into the abyss.
Instead, just be present at all times. Meaning, be emotionally available for them so when they are ready, you are the safe harbor they come ashore for. It doesn’t mean you cannot express your worries and concerns, but don’t TELL someone with a serious problem how THEY are feeling because you don’t know. What an addict or mentally ill person reflects on the outside for the world to see is nothing like what is going on on the inside.
Have The Utmost Patience
It isn’t easy to sit back and watch someone you love spiral out of control. You see where they are going wrong and the damage in is inflicting on others, not just themselves. You want to fix that person and set life back straight again for everyone. Every chance you get, you want to show that person how fed up and angry you have become with the path they are going down. Even more so, you want to distance yourself, as if what they are going through will somehow become contagious. Addiction and mental illness are NOT contagious. The negative impact will only affect you as much as you allow it to, yet pulling away will only do more harm than good. Coming up short will only create a bigger excuse for the person in question to continue down the road less traveled, because they will think no one cares what they are doing as it is. You have to have plenty of patience.
Give them room to fall, but not enough so you can’t give ‘em a hand getting back up again. Be gentle with your words and actions, because their mentality is as fragile as a sand sculpture around a free-roaming toddler. It takes time, lots of time, to face the music and begin the process of healing. Rushing one to get to that point will backfire—either they will fall deeper into their problem in an attempt to numb the rejection they construe your impatience as or they will relapse right after their treatment has ended. If you want them to get better, you have to let them make the decision and lead the way all on their own.
Use Your Resources Wisely
Sometimes the only way to help an addict or the mentally ill is to seek help for yourself first. Showing them that you are willing to learn new techniques to cope with the problems you are facing together can be just the kind of inspiration they need to come around to the idea of getting help. There are many support groups designed to aid the families and friends of the sick, both online and in real life. Take full advantage of what they have to offer, because their knowledge and experience with the situation at hand are plentiful. Plus, they have even more resources at their disposal to guide you towards a path of recovery for your loved one. Or at least make life seem a little brighter while walking the path to Hell. Al-Anon is a wonderful starting point when addiction is the issue and your local health department for when it’s regarding mental health concerns.
The more tools you install in your own toolbox, the better equipped you will be to truly be a help and not a hindrance.
Be Careful Not To Be An Enabler
As much as you need to be gentle, respectful, and patient with somebody, you cannot make their out of control behavior condonable. DO NOT FEED THEM ANY MORE EXCUSES than they have already made on their own accord. There is no justification for allowing their problem to continue on any further and trying to reason why they are sick only gives one pause to carry on as they are. Even facts regarding the inherited genetic codes for predisposition to the illness or addiction or the brain chemistry failure that is creating the warped thinking can be taken as a reason why they should just continue on because it is the way they were designed. Do not provide for the one that is struggling, either.
Life cannot be comfy or cozy while they are battling their sickness or they will continue to take advantage of your niceness. Why would someone want to stop doing something that feels good or takes hard work to change, if everyone is simply going to roll out the red carpet so they don’t feel the eggshells underfoot the sickness scatters around them; forcing others to step on them in their wake. They have to taste their own blood before they will ever come clean and fight their way back to reality. If you are helping them be sick then they will live it up as long as you handing out free rides. Help them by cutting them off financially, if possible, but definitely at the heartstrings. It is one thing to provide emotional support and offer a hand in seeking help, but it is another to baby them as if they are a helpless invalid because no matter how out of control and reckless their behaviors are, they are still human and have the capability to help themselves.
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Photo:EmsiProduction/Flickr
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