How To Trust Dating After ‘The Tinder Swindler’

Ask Wendy: Dating, Sex & Relationship Advice for the Bold

Hey Wendy,

I’m on Match.com, but last Friday night I watched The Tinder Swindler and now I’m afraid.

I’ve been talking to someone who lives in Sydney, I live in Adelaide. He says he’s an engineer who’s working in Kuala Lumpur. He’s mid-forties, divorced and has an adult daughter. I’m in my mid-forties, never married, no children.

I suppose my question is do I take a leap of faith and believe everything by taking what he says at face value as I tend to do? He did ask if I was chatting with anyone else, which I thought was odd.

He says when he comes back we’ll have dinner together in my town. I can’t help but picture the situation of someone leading a double life, or who is a scam artist. Help!

Dani B.
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Hey Dani,

Cautiously optimistic with eyes wide open is the optimal approach for dating anyone.

If you believe and trust an out-of-town stranger blindly (one who has not yet shown you what he can be trusted for), you’re sure to be in for trouble of one kind or another.

You’re a smart cookie. Questioning “are you chatting with anyone else” as odd is dead on. Can you reserve a suite on a cruise ship without putting a significant deposit down? Nope. He can’t claim you as his and expect exclusivity if he has no skin in the game and no tangible connection to you yet. It’s weird, it’s red-flaggy, and I don’t like it, but I’d proceed with caution.

I’m not saying your guy is lying or sure to be a con, but what you’ve described — engineer out of country lives in a town relatively close but not too near to you, hinting at exclusivity before you meet — yeah, that might be the profile of a very common con that I’ve seen over and over for the last several years. It goes something like this…

He’s on his way home for an extended weekend and he makes a dinner date with you for a week or two out.
Two days before your date, he has to cancel because his daughter in Melbourne is in the hospital and he has to fly there instead. He’s heartbroken he can’t meet you.
You two continue talking on the phone daily — you’re even more bonded.
A new dinner date is set upon his return three weeks later, and you’re elated.
The day before your date, he calls in a panic. He’s been robbed. They got away with everything; his credit cards, passport, everything! Luckily the embassy is getting him back home, but he needs you to wire him $7,000 so he can get back. He’s also going to fly straight to Adelaide, so you should meet him at the airport and he’ll pay you back.

Yeah, that dude doesn’t even live in Australia. He lives in Libya or Kazakhstan or Texas.

I’m glad The Tinder Swindler scared you because do you know how many smart, savvy women have stood at the airport in their city waiting for this guy? Thousands.

So how do you avoid the con? First, never send money to anyone you’ve never met for any reason. Second, meet right away. Don’t bond over the phone or an app.

Hear my words: Nothing is real until you’re face to face at the café. If you two meet up and he turns out to be who he says he is, then that’s fantastic! If he refuses to meet in person or continues to give you excuse after excuse, then you know it’s time to cut ties, he’s not real.

Pro tip: You can easily avoid dating guys who might be leading a double life by only dating those who live in your town. There are several really good reasons for this, and if you want to know them all, check out my Ready for Love | DIY Dating Success Workshop. But just know there are 1.3 million people who live in Adelaide right now; I’m thinking you have a pretty good shot at finding a nice match for you right there.

Happy dating!

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Wendy Newman is the author of 121 First Dates. She’s a dating, sex, and relationship expert who’s led hundreds of workshops and revolutionized the lives of over 70,000+ women internationally.

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You can send a question to the column via email: [email protected]

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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