I made a conscious decision to choose happiness and not wallow in the negativity of the traumatic events I’d been through.
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After experiencing a series of traumatic events in a short space of time and having an overload of emotions to process, I started to look into how we process our emotions in the Western society and I found that we seem to be polarized in our approach to dealing with them. We either don’t validate them and adopt the position of “I’m fine, really, I’M FINE” through gritted teeth (real convincing by the way) or we’re encouraged to wallow in them and make an identity out of the story, whilst in the background we’re told to shove some pills down our throat to ease that pain.
This polarization isn’t surprising to me and if you’ve ever told someone about a difficult emotional experience you’re having you’ll get what I’m talking about. First, there’s the awkward responses when you tell someone about what you’re going through, then the whole ‘something must be wrong with me’ feeling as they disengage completely, leaving you to feel totally rejected. So, off you trot to the Doctors and before you know it, you’ve got a whole new condition to claim and feed your ego with – and trust me, the ego loves this. Be it PTSD, depression, or something else, it’s a whole new identity to live through and get attention for ‘how bad’ you are. The thing is I’ve been there, I was living this identity. Allowing myself to get carried away with emotions then pulling out the “you have no idea what I’ve been through!” card.
If on the other hand I become aware of an emotion as it comes up and I stop, sit with it and ask myself why has this upset me/made me angry/why am I negative today?
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That changed the moment I made a conscious decision to choose happiness and not wallow in the negativity of the traumatic events I’d been through. That said, I’ve realized that in order to be truly happy I’ve had to go into my inner depth and unpack these emotions, attachments, and traumas before getting to the ‘I’m getting through it’ stage. It’s really important to make this distinction and I feel like this is where some people get a little confused.
So firstly, let me clear this up – if years after these events I’m moping around all day in negativity, flipping between getting angry and suffering in silence because things are too difficult to talk about or maybe blaming others for not treating me right (pulling out that “you have no idea what I’ve been through” card) then I’m probably wallowing in these events without actually processing them.
If on the other hand I become aware of an emotion as it comes up and I stop, sit with it and ask myself why has this upset me/made me angry/why am I negative today? Then I take the time to allow myself to express it fully until I don’t feel the need to express it anymore and afterward pivot towards a generally positive sense of wellbeing, then this is the start of unpacking my emotions.
The majority of us would have experienced minor traumas in our childhood that we haven’t addressed which later manifest in our psyche.
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I’m going to be brutal about this: Most negative emotions that are experienced come from traumatic events that haven’t been unpacked fully, a lot of which lie in our subconscious yet can control our behavior. If the emotion had been unpacked fully then there wouldn’t be any negativity around it because it would have been accepted and dealt with already. What about people who don’t feel like they’ve been through a ‘traumatic’ situation but experience a lot of negative emotions I hear you ask? Well, hardly anyone is trauma-free. The majority of us would have experienced minor traumas in our childhood that we haven’t addressed which later manifest in our psyche (such as self-limiting beliefs, depression, anxiety etc) and sometimes in our physical body (check out Louise Hays book You can Heal Your Life if you don’t believe me). I’m sorry if this is the first time you’ve heard that you’re probably traumatized in some way, but hey, you’re reading this post and I’m going to share with you some great info to help you unpack these traumas – Yeah to you!
- Meditate. Neurologically speaking, meditation connects the emotional and logical parts of your brain, so rather than getting carried away with your emotions you actually become an observer of them. That means that instead of spiraling into depression you can literally stop yourself and say ‘hmm, I have some sadness today’.
- Explore inwards. When an emotion comes up, acknowledge it, accept it and explore it to find out why it’s coming up and where it’s from. It could even be a seemingly insignificant event in your childhood that you didn’t realize bothered you, or a recent event that wasn’t fully dealt with.
- Help yourself. Work to unpack every trigger, every self-limiting belief and seek the help you feel is right for you. If that’s acupuncture then go get it. Beating up a pillow in your room? Do it. Counseling? Book it. Everyone needs help now and then, whether it’s to talk something through with a friend or booking to see a professional, don’t stop yourself from getting what you need because of societies stupid stigmas. If it seems that shameful to you, then just keep it a secret, if you don’t tell anyone then no one can judge you.
- Be compassionate to yourself. Like me, you’re probably a human too and having emotions is perfectly normal – especially negative ones (no matter how much Instagram might try and convince you otherwise)! Even if you have really difficult emotions like guilt and shame come up for how you acted in a certain situation, show yourself compassion and acknowledge that you acted in the best way you could with the tools you had at the time. Be compassionate like you would to a friend.
- Listen to yourself. You’re the best guide for you! So, tap into your feelings and let them steer you on your path. Even with these 5 steps – if they don’t feel right for you, don’t do them, just explore what does work for you right now and deal with what you can when you’re ready. And if you’re not ready that’s ok too, just listen to your body and follow what feels good for now, as long as you feel like you’re processing those emotions in some way, shape or form.
Like most things in life, unpacking emotions takes work. It can be uncomfortable at times and it can require persistence to get through the sticky parts but the rewards are worth it, trust me.
“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite powers of our light” Brené Brown, Shame and Vulnerability Researcher.
Now with this knowledge wouldn’t you choose happiness too?
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Photo: Getty Images
Shereen, as the author of a book on how/why to WALLOW in your emotions, I want to commend you on this article. While I use the word “wallow” differently than you (my book is called Constructive Wallowing!), we basically agree on the need for mindfulness and compassion in the face of so-called “negative” emotions. I just wanted to add something about the use of self-compassion in emotional healing… More than just forgiving ourselves for being human and having feelings, we can safely take our own sides and really immerse ourselves in them, saying, “YES, I feel this way, and NO… Read more »
Dear Tina,
Thank so much for this. You are completely right – I also found that validation was really important. I wrote this article quite early in my blogging career so the article probably isn’t as clear as it could be. Thank you for your feedback and addition, I really appreciate it.
Shereen