Not making mistakes won’t ensure that things will go your way.
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It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life. — Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation, “Peak Performance”
Oh, this is so very very true. And so very very hard to accept. This is when I get angry with the unfairness of the universe. If I play by the rules I understand the universe has laid out, and I don’t make any mistakes, how is it possible to lose? I can see only two reasons for losing. Either I don’t understand all the rules or I made a mistake. Both of these are reasonably within my control, so a predictable outcome should appear. In fact, with my crippling drive for perfection, a winning outcome should appear.
The fact that not only did an outcome present itself that was not a win, or even fair, but that the result was negative, bad, unfair or evil just added that much insult to injury.
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There was a time when I so fervently believed that if I didn’t make mistakes, things would go my way, or at the very least, fairly. I was genuinely dumbfounded when they didn’t. I literally could not fathom what possibly could have happened. In fact, other people would validate that I did nothing wrong. Everything on my end was, as close as possible, perfect. I felt happy that I exercised control over the one thing that I could: me. I can’t control other people, the universe, or the weather. At least not without a super-villain grade weather machine. And frankly, I just don’t pull down that kind of cheddar.But I digress. The fact that not only did an outcome present itself that was not a win, or even fair, but that the result was negative, bad, unfair or evil just added that much insult to injury.
It wasn’t fair, I’d shout obstinately, shaking my fist to the heavens. I deserve at least a fair outcome because of all the effort I put into understanding. The universe said nothing in response. It’s great stillness neither consoling nor accusatory. How silly, I thought, expecting something from the universe. OK, take fairness out of it. Why wasn’t the outcome positive if I made no mistakes? If everyone I ask said they’d have done the same thing? If experts tell me I did everything correctly?
There exist things outside my control. This is a difficult pill for a perfectionist to swallow.
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Time to look at the other part of the equation. Perhaps I didn’t understand all the rules. I spend a lot of time being mindful. Mostly, so I understand the rules. The rules that govern how things work. We spend all of our schooling doing the same thing. How plants work. How previous civilizations work. How technology works. Math, logic, and even how people work. It is a life-long pursuit for many of us,perhaps due to necessity or just curiosity. The bottom line is that the more data one has, the better a decision can be coaxed into being. The problem with this is that since we don’t know what we don’t know, there’s no way to know when 100% of the data is gathered. And even if 100% of the data is gathered, humans can suffer from decision paralysis. Because multiple good solutions can exist. What I’m trying to say is that understanding the rules is generally not completely within our control.
There exist things outside my control. This is a difficult pill for a perfectionist to swallow. Some things I don’t have control over because I choose to live in this particular society and conform to it’s laws and mores. Some things I don’t have control over because the knowledge set doesn’t exist. Some things I don’t have control over due to spatial or temporal limitations. All of these are interesting dials to play with.
You could have done everything right, and for whatever reason, be it a spiteful god, unfair universe, misunderstanding of rules or things out of your control, a losing outcome appeared.
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Getting back to the quote, the main idea it conveys for me, is that whatever the outcome is, results in an episode in your story called Life. Here’s the thing: you can have tried or not tried. Things could have gone right or wrong. You could have prepared for the worst and it still happened. You could have done everything right, and for whatever reason, be it a spiteful god, unfair universe, misunderstanding of rules or things out of your control, a losing outcome appeared.
This is not an indicator or weakness, or failure of will, or a display of mistakes made. It’s simply an outcome. So it’s not the one that you were going for or wanted. Maybe the outcome is damaging or causes pain. Nevertheless, it happened and now stands as immutable. It can’t be taken back (that’s not within anyone’s power). It’s what happens next that matters. How will you choose to address the outcome before you? I will end this with another quote to address this.
If you learn from defeat, you haven’t really lost. — Zig Ziglar
Much about being successful as a human being is a balancing act of many, many things. In this particular case, I choose to be as mindful as I am able to without excessive effort, conscious that I made an effort, and that I chose the best direction/decision with the data I had at the time. This allows for life without regrets. I choose to improve my future by learning from each outcome in order to refine data in future decisions. And so I evolve.
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The thing about this is, you also have to be brutally honest. Brutally. In a way that denies all political correctness, and all the things that we’re all supposed to believe. The things that people say matter most, but you know damned well they don’t. The ugly, ugly truths. The things that you can say, and people beat you down for saying. There is an awful lot of this in the world, and it’s easy to think there’s something wrong with you for realizing truths that fly in the face of what an “enlightened” person is supposed to know. I… Read more »