How We Deal With “Is ADHD Real?” [Video]

By Understood

It’s a dreaded (and hurtful) question that families get asked too often: “Is ADHD even real?” Hosts Amanda Morin and Lexi Walters Wright hear from parents of kids with ADHD who’ve muddled through explaining their child’s attention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity issues to family and friends. And they hear from expert Stephanie Sarkis, PhD, about the brain science behind ADHD.

To find a transcript for this episode and more resources, visit the episode page at Understood. https://www.understood.org/podcast/in…

We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at [email protected].

Understood is a nonprofit and social impact organization dedicated to shaping a world where the 1 in 5 people who learn and think differently can thrive. Learn more about “In It” and all our podcasts at u.org/podcasts. Copyright © 2019 Understood for All, Inc. All rights reserved.

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

0:04
hi i’m amanda morin a writer recovering
0:07
teacher and parent advocate and i’m lexi
0:09
walters wright community manager for
0:11
understood.org and we are in it init is
0:15
a podcast from understood for parents on
0:17
this show we offer support and some
0:19
practical advice for families whose kids
0:21
are struggling with reading math focus
0:24
and other learning and attention issues
0:26
today we’re talking about that moment
0:28
when someone asks us is adhd even real
0:32
this is something that comes up all the
0:34
time for parents it is such a common
0:37
topic in our understood community forums
0:39
and in part that’s because there’s a lot
0:41
of misinformation out there about adhd
0:43
which stands for attention deficit
0:45
hyperactivity disorder and the biggest
0:47
myth is that it’s not a legit condition
0:50
never mind that there’s a lot of brain
0:52
science behind the adhd diagnosis
0:55
there’s still people out there who
0:56
aren’t so sure so we put out a call for
0:59
parents to tell us about your
1:01
experiences
1:05
so the one that i’ve been hearing lately
1:08
and the most often is
1:10
that adhd is a made-up disease by the
1:13
government and big pharma in order to
1:16
push
1:17
acid onto kids of african-american
1:20
descent
1:22
obviously there are a whole lot of
1:24
issues with that specific clap back
1:28
uh i have two boys who have adhd and
1:31
have heard all the ridiculous things
1:33
that people have to say but my favorite
1:35
is always when people try to play down
1:37
the diagnosis in an attempt to make me
1:40
feel better not that i need to be made
1:42
to feel better so i often get told
1:44
things like oh they’ll go out of it or
1:46
it’s not really a diagnosis or my
1:48
favorite they’re always far too quick to
1:50
diagnose adhd
1:52
i am a mother of a ten-year-old girl who
1:55
has adhd
1:57
and one time this came up in
1:58
conversation
1:59
with a colleague and when i mentioned
2:02
that my daughter has adhd my colleague
2:04
said oh that surprises me
2:07
and so i said why does that surprise you
2:10
and she said because i didn’t think that
2:13
you would want that label
2:15
and so i kind of took a deep breath and
2:17
said well i don’t see it as a label it’s
2:20
actually a neurological condition
2:22
and then i explained a little bit more
2:24
and i think she was absolutely not
2:26
trying to be
2:28
hurtful or even realize that her comment
2:30
may have been hurtful she was simply
2:32
trying to understand
2:34
but i think what the comment put on
2:36
display is a misconception that a lot of
2:38
people have and perhaps that i had
2:40
before i was forced to learn about adhd
2:43
because of my daughter’s diagnosis which
2:45
is a perception that it’s not a real
2:49
medical diagnosis it’s something
2:52
fabricated
2:53
as
2:54
an excuse for either attention or to
2:58
explain away bad behavior
3:01
[Music]
3:05
amanda is this a question that you get
3:08
yes and as you know lexi i have both a
3:10
son and a spouse with adhd so when does
3:13
it usually come up like what are the
3:15
circumstances
3:16
yeah so lexi it’s not always a dark
3:19
question and sometimes it’s that verbal
3:21
side eye from another parent like when
3:23
they’re watching my awesomely delightful
3:25
and scattered son move super fast on the
3:28
playground he bumps into people he
3:29
interrupts conversations
3:31
and i’ll be like whoa ho he is having a
3:34
really rough day with his adhd
3:36
and the other parent will say something
3:38
like
3:39
does he really have adhd he’s so focused
3:42
when he’s at our house playing with
3:44
legos or whatever i get the sense that
3:47
this is maybe a fraught question for you
3:50
yeah yeah yeah it can be
3:53
you know when i get asked if adhd is
3:55
real it feels like i’m being judged it
3:57
feels like people are commenting on my
3:58
parenting it feels like they’re passing
4:00
judgment on whether i can keep my kid
4:02
under control
4:04
and it sometimes feels like
4:06
they’re
4:07
watching me make excuses for my child
4:10
when i’m not making excuses i’m just
4:11
telling it like it is
4:14
[Music]
4:29
i want to know so if someone asked a
4:30
parent like me a parent who has a child
4:33
with adhd
4:34
whether adhd was real how would you
4:37
recommend that that parent answer the
4:38
question
4:40
i would say um well let me
4:42
know why you’re asking that first i
4:44
wanna know because that’s kind of rude
4:46
[Laughter]
4:48
dr stephanie sarkis is a psychotherapist
4:50
who works with children and adolescents
4:52
she’s one of understood’s experts so
4:54
first i want to know you tell me what
4:56
your concerns are i mean maybe it’s a
4:58
grandparent yes and uncle you know but i
5:00
mean that that makes sense if it’s just
5:02
some random person you know from like
5:04
pta or something that’s rude
5:06
in working with parents
5:07
have you found effective ways to help a
5:10
parent understand that this is not just
5:13
laziness or distraction or you know a
5:16
troubled kid
5:17
i mean parents where they’re at what i
5:19
mean by that is i ask them you tell me
5:21
what you know about adhd and uh where
5:24
some places that you got the information
5:25
from what questions do you have now
5:27
sometimes it’s just that uh just by
5:30
accident people have gone on the website
5:31
that don’t have a lot of valid
5:33
information sometimes a a family member
5:36
took medication free html side effects
5:39
and so what i talked to parents about is
5:41
um let me
5:43
look at what you’ve learned about it and
5:45
let me tell you what i know about it
5:46
let’s put our heads together and come up
5:48
with a solution that best helps your
5:49
child
5:50
uh and also i would explain that
5:53
there’s a difference between can’t and
5:55
won’t
5:56
it’s not that your child doesn’t want to
5:59
do their chores is that they can’t
6:01
remember multi-step tasks and there’s a
6:03
big difference between can’t and won’t
6:05
and we really need to focus on the fact
6:07
that she brings can’t do some things
6:09
rather than looking at a won’t which is
6:11
a willful behavior
6:13
[Music]
6:17
my son who’s 11 is diagnosed with adhd
6:22
and
6:23
we were at a family visit
6:25
and another family member was trying to
6:29
for some reason kind of take over the
6:32
parenting
6:33
of my son because he wasn’t going to bed
6:36
or he was having a meltdown or he was
6:38
just generally having a hard time
6:40
overtired overstimulated
6:42
and afterwards we had a discussion about
6:45
it and this family member said well
6:48
you know i think that with just a little
6:50
more discipline and a little bit better
6:52
parenting he’s going to be fine
6:56
so that kind of stuck with me for a lot
6:58
of years and kind of
7:00
changed my relationship with that person
7:03
probably for ever
7:05
[Music]
7:11
stephanie can scientists actually see
7:13
adhd in somebody’s brain you can
7:16
actually see it on scandinavian and
7:18
functional mris it’s called an fmri but
7:21
that means that it’s an mri done while
7:23
you’re doing stuff so there are studies
7:25
where people are doing it past that
7:27
involved executive functions the first
7:29
executive functions are in the frontal
7:31
lobe your brain and they do things like
7:33
planning thinking ahead learning from
7:36
consequences so what happens is we have
7:38
people do these tasks while we’re
7:40
scanning their brains and you can see in
7:42
adhd people when they’re given a test
7:45
that is of their executive functioning
7:47
their brain does not connect their
7:49
neurons do not communicate as well as in
7:52
the non-adhd brain
7:54
and also part of the adhd brain are more
7:56
active where they kind of shouldn’t be
7:58
so people are paying attention to stuff
8:00
they shouldn’t be paying attention to
8:01
and not paying attention to the stuff
8:02
that they should be
8:03
now i want to go have an fmri but i’m
8:05
not going to but i think
8:08
uh yeah and and and it’s not the fmri’s
8:11
aren’t standard parts of treatment i get
8:13
asked a lot my parents uh we we don’t
8:15
have those as standard treatment but uh
8:18
in studies they do use them right so if
8:21
most parents aren’t going to get their
8:22
child a brain scan what are the other
8:24
ways that we can tell that someone has
8:25
adhd uh their attack called executive
8:28
function test and those are computer
8:30
tests that you’re given where you have a
8:32
stimulus or a thing on the screen and
8:35
you’re asked to press the space bar
8:37
click the mouse uh when you see the
8:39
thing and not when you don’t see the
8:41
thing and one of the things that the
8:42
executive function test look for is your
8:44
ability to have selective attention
8:47
selective attention means that you’re
8:48
focused on the thing on the screen and
8:50
you’re blurring out everything else
8:52
so that’s something that people adhd
8:54
have difficulties with also at your
8:56
doctor’s visit you may be asked about a
8:59
history of symptoms of your child or
9:01
yourself and you can fill out scales
9:03
about that behavior so those are adhd
9:06
rating scales and we also ask a lot of
9:08
questions about you know how things are
9:12
at school and how things are at home and
9:14
how they differ we also ask what’s
9:16
worked in the past too for adhd because
9:18
that makes a big difference in how we
9:19
may be able to help you is we wanna
9:21
focus on what’s worked well so we can
9:24
get you further on the path to where you
9:26
wanna be
9:27
[Music]
9:31
so
9:32
amanda i wanna know
9:34
how do you know that adhd is real
9:38
how do i know how to use israel
9:42
i know that adhd is real because we have
9:44
dinner and my son has slid under the
9:46
table and i’m just like hey can you sit
9:48
up here we’re good you know your food’s
9:49
up here
9:50
i know that adhd is real because my
9:53
husband sets a timer to get my son’s
9:56
bedtime routine going and it’s for both
9:58
of them not just for
10:00
my son
10:01
i know that adhd is real because we have
10:04
chosen we’ve made the choice to use
10:05
medication
10:07
with our son
10:08
and
10:10
when he doesn’t take it he’s very
10:12
scattered and he can say so he can tell
10:14
us that his brain is moving too fast so
10:16
we know it’s real because when he takes
10:18
that medication
10:20
he slows down a little bit too and he
10:22
can he can re he can respond to other
10:25
things that we’re doing
10:26
as well as medication he can respond to
10:28
lists and checklists and prompts and
10:30
things like that and i know it’s real
10:33
because i feel like i am the only person
10:35
in my house who’s taking care of the
10:36
executive functioning like
10:38
organizing and planning and all of those
10:40
things
10:41
um
10:42
yeah i mean there’s just no way
10:45
to not know it’s real in our house
10:48
i realized adhd was real when i had my
10:51
daughter
10:52
and she had these issues
10:56
not just focus and attention she just
10:58
had a whole lot of hyper activity
11:01
and
11:01
you know being that she’s a 25 weaker
11:05
her brain development was truncated by
11:08
the fact that she came out so premature
11:12
my name is andy i’m a dad and a
11:14
psychologist who works with families of
11:16
kids with learning and attention issues
11:18
i also have adhd myself
11:20
when people say that they don’t believe
11:22
in the existence of adhd for me it’s
11:24
like denying the existence of gravity
11:27
i spend so much time of my life
11:28
describing unique brains to parents
11:31
teachers and students
11:33
also because my brain you know has this
11:35
condition if i could sort of animate or
11:37
create an image of my brain there’d be
11:39
butterflies and hummingbirds and sort of
11:41
cats wandering around this really rich
11:42
colorful landscape the challenge is that
11:45
you know my brain is working so hard to
11:47
try to sort and put this information
11:49
together and you know it’s harder at
11:51
times to find all the treasures and
11:53
information that’s there it’s not always
11:55
orderly or predictable or responding the
11:57
same way as other people
11:58
but ultimately when i’ve learned my
12:00
strategies and i’ve taught strategies to
12:02
the kids i work with
12:03
they’re capable of doing as much or even
12:05
more than other people who don’t have
12:07
this condition
12:09
[Music]
12:10
amanda we’ve been talking about some of
12:12
the really unhelpful things that people
12:16
say when they learn that your child has
12:18
adhd
12:20
i have this horrible feeling that i may
12:23
have said some clueless things myself at
12:26
one point or another
12:28
simply because i didn’t know better at
12:29
the time
12:30
so for people like me people who really
12:33
want to understand and be supportive
12:36
do you have any advice
12:39
what i appreciate about what you just
12:40
said is that
12:42
you want to understand yeah right and
12:44
that’s the part that i think is really
12:45
important the people who want to
12:46
understand
12:48
and i think there are a lot of things
12:50
that people say when they don’t
12:51
understand
12:52
that come out poorly things like i oh i
12:56
don’t want my kid to have that diagnosis
12:58
i don’t want him to be labeled you’re
12:59
better you than me better you than me or
13:01
i don’t know how you handle this or one
13:02
of my least favorite phrases is you know
13:06
you don’t have anything more than you
13:07
can handle and i’m always thinking i
13:09
have more than i can handle all the time
13:11
right
13:12
but i i think that just saying like i
13:15
want to understand this and just saying
13:17
sometimes
13:18
and you do this a lot lexi i think you
13:20
say to me like i don’t think i’m going
13:21
to get this right but i have a question
13:23
for you and i think just naming that is
13:25
really important it helps me feel a lot
13:27
less judged when people are saying to me
13:30
i’m just really curious and i’m trying
13:32
to figure this out and i want to do what
13:33
i can for you and sometimes just
13:36
not saying anything is really helpful
13:38
right
13:39
i i wonder and i’m i’m just thinking
13:42
about interactions that you’ve had with
13:43
other parents of kids who have adhd
13:45
whether or not they know that your kid
13:47
has adhd is it i mean do you ever
13:50
encounter those times where you’re
13:52
running through your head how you can
13:54
bring up whether
13:56
or not adhd is an issue for another
13:57
family
13:58
i tend not to ask
14:00
because i think they’ll tell me if they
14:02
want to tell me
14:03
but sometimes i’ll give them the you
14:05
know hey this looks really familiar
14:07
mm-hmm and then give them the opening
14:09
right oh this is really familiar we deal
14:12
with this in our house a lot or he looks
14:13
a lot like like my kid wow right now and
14:16
it gives them that opening if they want
14:18
to say anything they can say something
14:20
that’s so smart
14:23
[Music]
14:30
so stephanie people like grandparents
14:33
who like it’s maybe not something that’s
14:35
totally familiar to them where you can’t
14:37
limit that interaction what’s what’s the
14:39
best way
14:40
to sort of navigate that when
14:42
grandparents are saying well we didn’t
14:43
have adhd back in our day
14:46
it’s okay if they don’t believe that
14:47
she’s real but you know as parents we
14:50
choose to believe the research and
14:52
believe the science that says this is a
14:54
real thing and we’re gonna treat it like
14:56
that and i think it’s important with
14:58
grandparents and say okay so these are
14:59
the things that we do with our kids is
15:01
really important grandparents and
15:02
parents on the same page
15:04
and these are the things that we would
15:06
appreciate if
15:07
we stuck with like if it’s really
15:10
important that your kids get outside for
15:13
a certain amount of time just to go out
15:14
and play because being outside helps the
15:17
adhd brain kind of calm down you can say
15:18
the grandparents will i i really like it
15:21
if the kids could be out like two hours
15:23
a day playing a supervised playing just
15:24
free play yeah that’s a really good way
15:27
to handle that i like that is it you
15:28
don’t have you know you don’t
15:29
necessarily have to say i believe this
15:31
is real but here’s what we’re doing to
15:33
help this child i love that i think it’s
15:35
a great idea
15:37
thanks so much stephanie i really
15:38
appreciate you’re welcome anytime
15:42
[Music]
15:45
can you think of a time when your son’s
15:47
adhd came up and someone handled it well
15:51
definitely one of the best experiences i
15:53
ever had
15:55
was so i always worry about taking him
15:58
to play dates because i never know
15:59
whether i say something do i not say
16:01
something do i drop him off do i stay do
16:03
i hover like all of those kinds of
16:04
things
16:05
and i brought him to a playdate
16:07
and i started to say i said you know i
16:09
just want to let you know he has adhd
16:11
and the mom said oh yeah we’ve got that
16:13
in our house too we’ve got this handled
16:15
and i just went
16:18
like that was such a relief
16:20
i felt like she knew how to handle this
16:22
and i felt like she was saying to me go
16:24
to the grocery store get your errands
16:25
done without your kid mm-hmm we’ve got
16:28
this yeah we’re in this with you yeah
16:30
did you feel less worried about how he
16:33
was going to do on the play date or did
16:34
it alleviate needing to even think
16:37
through how he would do i wasn’t worried
16:39
about how he would do
16:40
i was worried about how he’d be
16:42
perceived and that’s what changed for me
16:44
is i didn’t have any concerns about the
16:46
perceptions of the parents in that house
16:48
anymore yeah wow
16:51
do you still play date with that family
16:53
all the time
16:55
[Music]
17:02
you’ve been listening to init a podcast
17:04
from understood for parents our website
17:06
is understood.org where you can find all
17:08
sorts of free resources for people
17:10
raising kids with learning and attention
17:12
issues
17:13
we also want to hear what you think of
17:14
this podcast init is for you so we want
17:17
to make sure you’re getting what you
17:19
need go to u.org podcast to share your
17:22
thoughts and find resources that’s the
17:25
letter u as in
17:27
understood.org
17:28
podcast
17:30
and if you like what you heard today
17:32
please tell somebody about it share it
17:34
with the parents at your bus stop tell
17:35
your special education support group or
17:37
send a link to your child’s pediatrician
17:40
you can also go to apple podcasts in
17:41
radus which is a great way to let other
17:43
people know about init
17:45
you can subscribe to init on apple
17:47
podcasts follow us on spotify or keep up
17:50
with us however you listen to podcasts
17:52
between episodes you can find understood
17:54
on facebook twitter and pinterest or
17:56
visit our website u.org
17:59
podcast that’s letter u dot org
18:03
podcast and come back next time when
18:05
we’ll be talking about what happens when
18:06
someone asks your child with dyslexia to
18:09
read out loud
18:11
did you count until you got to your
18:12
paragraph of course i counted i still do
18:14
that now um i count till you get to your
18:16
paragraph i’d go to the breast room when
18:18
it was like two people before me and
18:20
then stay there so i know that it would
18:22
be like two people after me
18:24
if this rings a bell and you have a
18:25
story to share you can call in and leave
18:27
a voice message that we just might use
18:29
on the next episode of init you’ll find
18:31
that number at u.org
18:33
podcast
18:34
in it is a production of understood for
18:36
parents init is produced by blake eskin
18:39
of noun and verb rodeo and julie subrin
18:42
mike erico wrote our theme music and
18:44
laura kushner is the director of
18:46
editorial content at understood for
18:48
parents thank you so much for being in
18:50
it with us and thanks for listening
18:53
[Music]
19:03
[Music]
19:18
you

—

This post was previously published on YouTube.

***

From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

—

Photo credit: Shutterstock