Men’s coach Jasmin Newman shares men’s intimate hopes, dreams and disappointments around sex in longterm partnerships.
As a performance and communications coach for men, I am the woman husbands talk to about sex. I am the woman with whom these men confide fears and frustrations, deepest darkest secrets, and yes, their dreams. As a woman privileged to enter the inner sanctum of men’s conversations I sense it’s time to share what I have learned.
So to woman, I say this:
He shares with me the stories of how you used to drive him insane with your passionate desire for him, and that there was never an hour in the day when he didn’t think about how he could be a better man for you.
He remembers how his passion grew and how strongly bonded he felt when you first became pregnant with his child. He knew with fierceness that he needed to be a provider and protector. He wasn’t afraid of the challenge, and he took it on willingly.
But he also tells me of how things have changed over time. How life got in the way for both of you, and things deteriorated. The fights that became more frequent until there was no point in fighting anymore. The anger he has felt at never being good enough. How weak he then felt at displaying his anger, and so how he retreated further into himself.
And he then tells me his deepest dreams he held for your future and about how he craves you, intimately and how he just longs to be connected with you. He speaks of a yearning for something more than the status quo as it now stands.
He longs for the day when he can just be ‘enough’ to be the man you desire. How the days when he is almost begging you for sex and you turn out the light and turn your back on him. And yet, he still loves you and quietly longs for your touch.
What my conversations with men signify is that they no longer feel accepted to turn up as a man in their own life. They are confused and feel lost and alone as a result of the changing roles within relationships. It’s not true to who they are biologically. They are happy to take on the extra duties of caring for children and being a hands-on Dad, they love it. They support you 100% in your pursuits, and endeavor to master duties that were completely foreign to their own parental role models.
Devastatingly, they feel unsupported in their desire for you. They want to make deeper connections with you, where they feel valued, loved and secure.
They want more sex. Not for the sake of sex itself, but for what it brings to them, instinctively, hormonally, biologically. What it gives to them, as a man.
What women are failing to understand is that men have a biological need and right to turn up as a man in the relationship. They have a fundamental need to be connected and engaged with you, through sex.
In 2014 women are primarily the one pulling all the strings in relationships. The first string to get withdrawn is the most vital to his sense of identity.
Dominance is what the men I talk to see as part of his identity. These men require it for his sense of self, his sense of identity and for him to show up as the man that you instinctively desire. His brain does not play the games you play and yet you make him try until he is conflicted and desperately trying to make sense of his world.
Sex is an immeasurably pleasurable way to honor your relationship. For both men and women, the more times we orgasm, the more love-generating Oxytocin we create in our brains, and the more of that we want.
But where women differ to men, is that the less they have sex, the less they want it and they rate emotional connection and social inclusion higher than sexual connection.
For men, the opposite is true and the less sex they get, the more they crave and desire it. And the less sex they get, the more angry, frustrated and conflicted they become and a cycle of feeling isolated, lost and alone creeps in.
The conundrum for marriage is then she wants to be emotionally connected and he is feeling isolated and alone. You hold the power to make that connection through sex.
There is a point where men appear to ‘give in’. To fall in defeat and resign to living a life not consistent with who and what they truly are.
Women have an off switch that men don’t have. If they were thirsty, would you deny them water?