I Almost Gave up on Love the Day Before It Found Me

Inever imagined loneliness would seep into my heart so viscerally. It didn’t arrive announced or with a loud voice. No, loneliness sneaks around in stealth and works its way into the crevices of your heart until you find yourself scrolling dating apps until 2 am.

A few nights ago, I had the worst date in the history of dates. A woman drove to my city from another town. We had spoken a few times via text and I hoped to take her out for dinner.

She isn’t someone I would typically date but I figure it’s better than the “What is your favourite food?” esque tinder conversations that I don’t have the slightest capacity to entertain.

She arrives 2 hours late in her finest sweat-pant pyjamas. I think to myself, “Perhaps this is a woman who values comfort.”

Ever the optimist I welcome her into my car and we head out to grab the dinner we had been planning.

“So tell me, what is the one thing that defines your life? Like think about yourself in 10 years and every wish you had came true. Where would you be and what values will stick with you from today?”

I love big conversations and I’m tired of wasting my time so I hit her with a life-defining question that I’m hoping she has some sort of answer for.

Silence.

I glance over and notice she is staring out the window and she makes a stuttering sound as if she is incapable of coming up with an answer.

Her hand slowly reaches across my thigh as she says,

“I’m not hungry, where did you say your place was again?”

My heart sank. I’ve never been into fleeting hookups and I’m certainly not starting tonight.

Loneliness be damned, it’s not who I am.

I turn the car down the next street and make my way back to her car. Pulling in beside it I say “I don’t think this is going to work out.”

She has a look that suggests most guys do not turn down this type of offer as she gets out. She says nothing and closes the door.

The date lasted by my estimation, thirteen and a half minutes.

Photo by Brice Cooper on Unsplash

Today brings hope as I hop into my Dad’s borrowed truck to make my way to the harbour. It’s Labour Day weekend in Canada, and my brother is hosting a summer send-off on the ocean floor by his cottage when the tide rolls out.

A crackling fire, fresh-caught lobster, family, a guitar, and my kids. I feel like my soul needs this and I’m looking forward to it. My heart hasn’t been in a good place lately.

My parents took my kids down earlier in the day sensing I wasn’t going to be keen on getting up at the crack of dawn. I half believe they know the state my heart is in and figure the kids would rather get down to my brothers early to play with their cousins.

My dad’s truck is on its last legs but has a smell of him and his work tools. It reeks of nostalgia and comfort. No air conditioning and the motor is just loud and rickety enough that you don’t know if you’ll reach your destination or be stranded on the roadside. Dads.

The drive to the harbour is scenic and I take the twists and turns of the country roads in silence. I drive by the rolling hills of my majestic province and roll the window down to stick my arm out.

I feel the wind slipping through my fingers as I try to catch it. My mind transports to my childhood and I hear the voice of my concerned mother,

“Justin don’t put your arms out the windows! A car driving by might hit them and then you’ll have no arms!”

I smile at the thought of my childhood and those sticky 90’s summer days when life was only about swimming and making memories with the neighbourhood gang.

I flip on the CD player and pop in my favourite Avett Brothers album and begin to fill my soul with Scott and Seth’s beautiful words.

We climbed the ladder to the top of my house
Never letting go of your hand
The sky trades the moon for the sun my girl
The sky trades the moon for the sun

And I gave to you my ugly brown coat
You made it pretty when you put it on
Warmth in the early morning chill my girl
Warmth in the early April

My mind starts to think about my life over the past few years. I was married with a future to someone I thought I’d be with for the rest of my life. It was fleeting and nothing is forever and now I’m alone.

I start to feel it. The loneliness, which usually keeps itself hidden in the shadows of the evening, starts to find its way slowly into my heart.

I think about all of the pointless conversations on dating apps, the terrible first date, and the complete lack of connection.

These types of thoughts only compound the pain of the loneliness which now has its cold hand firmly around my heart.

I look over at the seat beside me and think that she should be here. My person.

She should be here sitting beside me in the truck, driving down to the fire on the ocean floor.

I imagine her laughing with me, my hand on her thigh as she plays with my hair. We share inside jokes that lightly poke fun at each other. The windows are down and the warm breeze blows her beautiful hair in all directions because my dad’s dang air-conditioner doesn’t work.

Reality snaps me back to consciousness. She isn’t here. I don’t know her and certainly have never met her.

Missing someone you’ve never met is the absolute worst kind of lonely. I let myself feel everything. I feel the intense sadness and desire to be known by a woman I’ve never met, and then I cry.

I cry so much that I have to pull to the side of the road. Breathing between sobs I look up at the sky and ask God, who I’m not sure I believe in anymore, “Where is she?”

The peace that can only come after a good cry makes its way into my heart and the practical side of me decides I need to delete the dating apps. I navigate to the first app and it feels good as the icons dance on my screen until I hit delete.

I get a call from my son wondering where I am and he distracts me enough to not put tinder in its grave.

I throw the phone on the seat beside me and look at the spot she should be sitting in. I collect myself and with a sigh begin to make my way to the ocean floor.

The weekend has passed and I have peace, unlike anything I’ve experienced in a while. I sit down at my work desk and remember I still have one more app to delete.

I look at the app on the screen and think to myself that one last scroll couldn’t hurt, as I press my finger to the glass and launch the app.

The loading screen lights up my eyes and then trades places with a woman’s beautiful and kind face.

I think that there is no way.

She is perfect.

I close my eyes and hold my breath as I swipe right, telling myself that if we match I will take it as the universe showing me a sign.

“You have a match!”

I don’t have time to appreciate what just happened before I get a message from her,

“Hey you!”

My heart jumps out of my chest.

“Hey!”

…

I almost missed out. I think about fate and the fact that I was seconds away from deleting an app that would have me meet the woman who is now the love of my life.

Life is like that I think. Constantly a series of decisions in front of you that take you one way or the other. I like to imagine that each decision has the potential to lead you on a choose your own adventure.

I’m happy I didn’t hit delete because from that day forward my heart was hers forever.

And she knew it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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