“I Can’t Get Over My Ex...Please Help Me Move On!”

Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.

A picture of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend pops up, and I haven’t eaten a clementine since! It dropped directly onto my phone and liked the picture. You can’t send a message saying, “That wasn’t me; it was my clementine!”

Welcome to the Love Life Podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, and Audrey Hussy. Before we dive into the episode, if you haven’t already, make sure to sign up for my private email, which I send every Friday. If you enjoyed my book *Love Life* and appreciate my writing style, this is your chance to receive personal thoughts, ideas, strategies, and stories that I don’t share anywhere else. The feedback has been incredible, and I read every reply personally. If you want my writings delivered straight to your inbox, go to the3relationships.com and sign up now!

The Triggering Ex

We’re back with another episode, and today we want to address a question that came up in a coaching group I run called Club 320. For anyone interested, you can join the waiting list. The question was: when an ex reaches out and you feel triggered emotionally, how do you deal with that?

This topic is relevant to so many people. Months or even years later, someone can still trigger you, and it’s important to know how to manage those feelings. So let’s talk about that today.

One of the things I help people with when it comes to being triggered by an ex is changing the story they tell themselves about that trigger.

Understanding Triggers

Can you set the scene for us? What does being triggered really mean? Imagine you’ve worked hard to get over someone and feel you’ve made progress. Then they send a random text, and all the feelings come flooding back. Or perhaps you see a post of theirs online while casually scrolling in bed.

Let me share a funny story, H, that you don’t even know. When I was 21, I was scrolling through Facebook while eating a clementine. A picture of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend popped up. I dropped a segment of clementine, and—wait for it—it somehow liked the picture!

How does a clementine even do that? I know it sounds crazy, but I was so upset because there’s no way to explain that it wasn’t me. You can’t send a message saying, “Sorry, my clementine dropped and liked your post.”

The Emotional Toll

Getting triggered can be deflating and demoralizing. It can feel freaky to realize that you’re still thinking about someone and question when it will stop. It’s easy to measure how well you’re doing by the intensity of that emotion in the moment.

When we see them with someone else, feelings of jealousy or a sick feeling in our stomach can arise. It’s important to remember that moving on is not a binary process. You’re not either over them or not; it’s a gradient.

In my book *Love Life*, I discuss how I used to be consumed by chronic pain. Initially, I fought for just five minutes where I didn’t think about it. Similarly, in heartbreak, you search for those moments where you can enjoy life without being reminded of the pain.

Progress Over Time

These emotional triggers can sometimes make us forget how much progress we’ve made. At one stage, you might go a whole day without thinking about that person. Later, you could manage a week or even months. We mustn’t let a sudden trigger overshadow all the progress we’ve achieved.

When you break up, your brain searches for that person due to the habits it formed. You might find yourself wanting to share something with them, but they’re not there anymore. Rewiring those neural pathways takes time, but it can happen faster than you think.

Being Gentle with Yourself

We need to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves when we’re triggered. If you loved someone, your body and brain have recorded that connection. It can be frustrating when that pain resurfaces, but it also highlights our capacity to love deeply.

Changing their name in your contacts can help. For example, change it to “Never Again” or “You Deserve Better.” This way, you associate their name with empowerment rather than pain.

Transforming Triggers

When you feel that trigger, remember that it can remind you of something difficult, but you have the power to shift your perspective. I told someone in our coaching group that their ex’s pain played a significant role in their growth. They’ve set new standards and boundaries for themselves thanks to that experience.

Every time their ex’s name pops up, it’s a chance to remind yourself of everything you’ve achieved since then.

So, replace the negative with a positive. You can transform that trigger into a reminder of your strength and growth. Of course, you can block the person or unfollow them on social media if needed. Don’t play life on hard mode if you don’t have to!

In summary, remember that emotional triggers are part of the healing process. Allow yourself to feel, but also recognize your growth. You have the power to reshape your experiences and reactions to those reminders. Keep moving forward, and remember that every step counts in your journey to love and healing.

You should do that. I changed her name to “Dung Beetle.”

Evolving Perspectives

Okay, so not “Douchebag.” We’re evolved to “Dung Beetle.” I’m still working on it. Is this what you’ve been doing the whole time I’ve been talking?

Please, I’ve just been waiting for my moment.

There are some things we don’t have the power to eliminate as triggers. Some things will continue to be present because it’s just life, right? We can’t anticipate everything. However, we can massively change the meaning of a trigger by connecting with all the truths about what has come from that experience.

Finding Growth in Pain

What are we proud of? What parts of ourselves wouldn’t exist without the pain that this trigger represents? If you took away this trigger, you’d be taking away the entire story that led to your growth. That’s such a human way of thinking. I really like that you said that because we do it with everything, don’t we?

We compare ourselves to others. We think, “I wish I were like this person, I wish I had their life, their body.” We often forget that if we want that life, we have to take everything that comes with it—the good and the bad.

You can’t choose your growth without having the thing that was the catalyst for it.

Reflecting on Life’s Challenges

When I look at my life and the lives of others I know, so much of the pain they’ve gone through—whether heartbreak or other struggles—makes us think we’ll never recover. Yet, years later, we often say, “I’m so glad that happened.” This realization applies to pretty much everything in life.

As long as you can embrace, lean into, and learn from pain, you come out more peaceful and better equipped. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t leave scars; hence the triggers.

You don’t even need to wait until you have the treasure from that hard experience to look at that trigger with gratitude. In my book, *Love Life*, I discuss surviving a breakup.

Overcoming Adversity

A few years ago, I found myself in one of the most difficult chapters of my life. I was going through multiple losses simultaneously—each one had the potential to knock me off my feet. They all landed together like a tsunami, and my life felt like a cockpit with every button around me negative.

At that time, my trigger was this thought: “I wish this hadn’t happened to me. I can’t take how hard this is.” I expressed this to my boxing trainer, Martin Snow. In his thick Brooklyn accent, he said, “It has to be this hard. If it wasn’t, there’d be nothing heroic about getting through it. You have to go through this to show others how to get back on their feet later.”

Shifting the Narrative

That became a new thought attached to my trigger. Whenever I felt overwhelmed, I’d hear Martin’s voice reminding me that it had to be this hard to develop the strength I’d need later.

For me, that was a powerful realization. I thought, “If this was easy, how would I help others?” The more challenging it is, the more I’ll dig deep for strength.

When we change our perspective on triggers, it can work for anyone. The principle can resonate with everyone, even if the specific thought doesn’t. Negative triggers may feel bad, but you can leverage them to your advantage.

Celebrating Progress

If you had a breakup three years ago and get re-triggered, go make a list of everything you’ve done since that you wouldn’t have accomplished if the breakup hadn’t happened. If you’re still processing the breakup, focus on what amazing things could come from it.

The worst part about a challenge might initially seem overwhelming, but eventually, you might realize that the best part is how hard it is.

Practical Strategies

There’s something really practical that I find useful: don’t follow your thoughts. When it comes to exes, we often ruminate. We see something, and our minds spiral into negative comparisons and self-doubt.

Instead, before you’re caught up in that thought, consciously stop yourself. You can say, “I’m not going there.” Shift your focus—text a friend, go for a walk, or pet your dog. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes.

Moving Forward

If you’re struggling to get over an ex, here are three takeaways from today’s discussion:

1. Avoid Catastrophic Thinking: Just because you’re triggered doesn’t mean you haven’t made progress. You likely go much longer without thinking about them now than before. Celebrate that progress.

2. Connect to the Positive: When triggered, remember all the good that has come from that relationship or heartbreak. Connect with the treasures that have bloomed as a result of your pain.

3. Don’t Follow the Thought: You don’t have to let a negative thought take you down a familiar, painful path.

Final Announcements

Before we wrap up, I wanted to let everyone know there are only 35 spaces left for our retreat program this September in Florida, from the 9th to the 15th. It’s going to be an amazing time, and we have limited availability this year due to high demand.

If you want to join us, don’t wait! Visit MHretreat.com to find out more.

Also, check out our new free guide, *Spark and Connect*, available at WhatToSayNext.com. This guide offers nine ways to spark conversations with people you meet in everyday situations, helping you connect without relying solely on dating apps.

Thank you for tuning in to the *Love Life* podcast. We’ll see you next time. Be well and love life!

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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