One guy on r/adultery posted:
I didn’t expect this world to do more damage than my marriage, but here we are.
I used to be super active here. Discords, Telegrams, Reddit ads, you name it. I was chasing connection, validation, escape. And at first, it felt like I found something. But over time, all it really did was make me feel worse. Rejected at home, then rejected out here too. When both sides start making you feel unwanted, it messes with your head. I hit a point where I wasn’t just hurt — I felt invisible.
I’ve had pAPs (potential affair partners) ghost. Had those fake deep convos that end in “you’re not my type.” The constant vetting made everything feel transactional, not human. The discords felt like high school cliques with 40-year-olds pretending to be edgy. It wasn’t a secret world of passion. It was exhausting. Empty. My self-esteem, which was already in the dirt, got buried deeper.
So I started pulling back. Less time online, more time putting that effort into my actual life. And crazy enough, something shifted. My wife started trying. Not just in words, but in actions. It’s not perfect, not even close. It’s like that scene in Men in Black where the alien’s walking around in a human suit — mechanical, awkward, like she’s trying to remember how to be intimate. But… she’s trying.
Am I fulfilled? No. Am I where I want to be? Not really. But I’m not drowning anymore. I stopped chasing ghosts in chat rooms and started focusing on what I could still salvage. I’m not delusional; there’s still a big part of me that’s starved for something deeper. But at least now I know the affair world wasn’t the answer. It just made me feel more disposable.
I’m curious, has anyone else gone full circle like this? Where you stepped out, tried to find something “more,” and it actually made you appreciate what little you had at home? Or at least made you realize you were going about it all wrong?
Oh, dude, I understand the emptiness. Most of us do if we’re here.
However, I didn’t have the option of a rekindled spouse. My marriage was stone cold. Dead and gone. Perhaps I would have tried to reconnect with my ex-husband if he had shown any interest in trying. But that ship sank long ago.
This post hit a chord, though.
My favorite comment, “Yes. No one nor any situation is perfect. But a train wreck chasing another train wreck isn’t going to equal bliss. It was foolish of me to think otherwise.”
That made me shake my head affirmatively in recognition. Holy shit. Exactly right. Too many broken pieces don’t equal a whole.
“I am in your situation. I consider myself “reformed.” I was in it, looking and trying. It wasn’t healthy. I have a husband who tries. When there is a need for improvement, he puts actions to words. I stopped looking in a sea of strangers and started seeing my husband through a different lens. And I fell in love all over again.”
She realizes her hubby is the best option. That’s honestly quite heartwarming (if not completely unrealistic for most of us adulterers in lousy marriages).
“I know what you mean about the ‘lifestyle’ feeling empty. It can be hollow without the right person and right fit, and aligned with what you want. And the online adultery forums can be extremely toxic, full of negativity, jaded people, and snarkiness. Let’s face it, a lot of people here come to adultery because they are hurting, then get hurt more. So they have a skewed perspective.”
Toxic? Negative? Jaded? Snarky? LOL.
That’s my wheelhouse!
It made me chuckle. But yeah, even lil ‘ole terrible me thinks this lifestyle is unsustainable. We all reach the end of the proverbial adultery highway at one point or another. It’s either by dissension, disappointments or discovery.
“Disposable, that’s the exact word for how this can make you feel. Well done getting out and finding a better path. I admire your courage and hope to one day emulate it.”
This person wants to get off the roller coaster.
Ultimately, it’s how much we are able to bear. What we can tolerate. The pain vs. pleasure threshold. For many years, cheating held far more pleasure than pain for me. Until the scales tipped. Then, I realized I couldn’t handle the “double life blues” any longer. I needed to be whole and happy. I got out and started over.
All I know is I am broken, and fellow broken people can’t fix you. Even my affair partner (now real partner) may not check all my boxes. But the effort he gives (and I give) to make it work means everything.
All post credit goes to u/TheSicilianSword, and thank you for letting me use your words. They rang so true for me.
Previously Published on Medium
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