I Don’t Care If Women 'Test' Me

Are women really “testing” men as much as people say?

As a men’s dating coach, I often encounter questions framed around this concept of women “testing” men.

“She did this. Is she testing me?”

“She started talking like this. How should I react? I think she’s testing me.”

Let’s break down why such a question is being asked.

If someone is unconfident and seeking approval, they will want to “pass someone’s tests” and prove themselves as worthy of affection. When it comes to my clientele, that often means proving that they are masculine and dominant enough to appeal to women’s feminine sides.

Most people have a weird relationship with the word “dominance.”

Thanks to countless generations of social brainwashing, lots of people think it’s natural and necessary to think of men as superior to women, that women should have unquestioning obedience to men.

An intersexual dynamic that generally leans toward the man being “dominant” and the woman being “submissive” can indeed enhance sexual attraction and excitement through polarity. A great many women and men find it extremely hot when the man takes initiative and control, pulling her hair and pinning her down as he growls in her ear. Even before that stage, a great many women and men find it more conducive to attraction when the man takes charge in nonsexual ways as well.

However, artificial social forces exacerbated some of the uglier nuances of this, leading to widespread abuse and oppression. What are these amplified uglier nuances that colored people’s idea of the word “dominance” in intersexual relationships?

The biggest factor is the idea that masculinity needs to be defined in a way that coddles the ego: that a “real man” is one who is always feared and respected, who is inherently entitled to everything he wants from others, whose power is absolute. It’s related to the idea that one is already perfect as he is, that he doesn’t ever need to humble himself to a process of change or improvement.

This coddling of the ego ultimately feeds insecurity, the real poison to masculine essence. It’s because it’s performative, and it’s performative because it holds men to a literally impossible standard.

Thinking of “dominance” through this egotistical frame is useless — and even harmful — for intersexual relationships and seduction in the long run. Here’s a much more useful way to meet the need to be dominant in a way that’s attractive to women: think of it as more about self-control and consistent authenticity.

Let’s say a woman is intentionally “testing” you.

A man who tries to be dominant in an egotistical way will prioritize preserving the performative image of the invulnerable and authoritative man. He’s scared that pulling back the curtain will show something that he wants to hide from the rest of the world. He will feel the need to calculate the perfect response to such a test — one that may vary by situation.

On the other hand, a man who is guided by his core values, one who acknowledges that his greater purpose supersedes himself, will care far more about consistently expressing what he truly thinks and feels. He doesn’t care if he is ever “tested” or not. He will be the same man acting the same way regardless.

A real man is grounded in his masculinity because he understands and lives his core values. Those values are what guide him to pursue his path of passion. They are what guide him to serve a higher purpose. They are what allow him to face every challenge and adversity in life, and come out the other side a stronger, wiser, and better man.

— Excerpt from Never Lonely: The Uncensored Guide On How to Attract and Be Loved by Women

The latter approach usually leads to passing such tests. With no stress.

Take a look at this recent exchange I had with someone trying to improve his love life:

Him: How do you react to a girl that gives you orders? She texted me “let me know your plans before midnight”, “meet me at X”, etc. I’m pretty sure she’s testing me; she never spoke like this before. Do I call her out, or maybe ghost her for a few days?

Me: Your default mindset should be to assume the positive (e.g. assume attraction, give the benefit of the doubt, reframe negative interpretations into positive ones). Your current interpretation of her saying those things is “she is giving orders.” This puts you in a more high-stress state, making you react as if she’s testing you. Very disadvantageous if it happens that she’s not. Think about this: what if you interpret this behavior in a positive way? What if she’s being more direct about what she wants with you because she’s more attracted and excited to meet you? What if she comes off as more demanding because she’s more afraid of losing you? Thinking like that makes it easier for you to relax and behave more confidently (ultimately more attractively) toward her.

Him: You’re right. However I still don’t like the tone of her messages lately. Its specific to my country’s language, it really does sound quite dominant and bossy. And she does it only when I show uncertainty or weaken my strong leadership. She’s been trying to out-frame me for a long time because this is a friendship and I’m trying to change it by being more dominant. Which works but I need to handle this power play (it really is one in this case).

Me: “And she does it only when I show uncertainty or weaken my strong leadership.” There’s the root of the problem. Think about what uncertainty, weakening, and strong leadership actually mean to you. Do you feel like you’re pretending to be someone you’re not when you try to act more certain or stronger? Is there a version of strength or dominance that resonates more with you (easier to be rather than perform)? Finding that path will make “dominant” behavior more automatic and consistent. If you do, there’s no need to “handle a power play” because being your authentic strong self wouldn’t even need to acknowledge or be affected by potential power plays. These games can only affect you if you aren’t already secure in your dominance. It’s a common issue for men trying to improve themselves in this area because there’s not a lot of guidance in deconstructing our preconceived ideas of strength and masculinity. It’s less effective if you just try to copy someone else’s idea of “dominance.”

Worse yet, many men who try to adhere to these patriarchal standards of masculinity and dominance become bitter at women they perceive to be testing them. I don’t even give myself a chance to feel that bitterness because I don’t give a single thought about whether I’m being tested or not.

Why should I? I will act like myself regardless. It usually works out. If it doesn’t, she’s not the girl for me. And that’s OK. There are plenty others who align with my values and expressions.

A confident man is not afraid of being vulnerable, letting down his guard, and showing all his cards. He is unafraid of being honest and sincere about his intentions and shortcomings because he knows that he can come out of any situation for the better.

[…]

[Y]ou should never fear losing a girl as a result of your authentic expression. If you speak your truth, and she leaves, it’s better that she left sooner than later.

— Excerpts from Never Lonely: The Uncensored Guide On How to Attract and Be Loved by Women

That very abundance mentality is the root of true attractive “dominance.”