I stared at my phone screen for a while. I wondered if it were a good idea to hit send on the email I had just typed out.
I was writing to *Sara, happy birthday wishes.
We had broken up nearly three years ago and it had been more than a year and a half since we had last seen each other. I don’t owe her this. There is no reason for me to reach out to her letting her know I thought about her that morning when I awoke.
What would she think? Would I be bothering her with my email? Would she think this was me trying to cleverly ignite a conversation?
My heart raced a little as my finger hovered over the send button. It remained there for a few seconds as I thought about it one last time. Then I hit send. My heart raced a little more. It was done. I couldn’t take it back, even if I wanted to.
There was nothing elaborate about my email, it was simple and to the point. It read:
Happy Birthday *Sara!
Take care old friend.
It was as simple as that. I was wishing an old friend a happy birthday. I wasn’t romanticizing the memory of an old love. It wasn’t me obsessing over her. No, none of it. I can honestly say, she is the only woman whom I truly loved — more than any of the other women I’ve dated. She is the only ex-lover whose birthday I remember. However, this message was directed to an old friend, not an old love.
* * *
Time has passed, any romantic feelings have now dissipated. But the memory of a once-great friend remains. Though we’ve moved on from each other, she will always be a part of my life. She will be part of my story. If my life were a book, she would be a major character. The chapters which contain her would be some of the best to read.
That morning I wrote to an old friend who once knew me inside and out in great detail. More than any other person who has ever come into my existence. To the one friend who I never withheld anything from. To the one friend who once knew every detail of my life, my dreams, hopes, worries, and fears.
So that was it, the email had been sent. My mind began to wander with thoughts of would she even bother to open my message? After all, though she was one of my greatest friends, our relationship had ended rather ugly. There had been much hurt done by both ends. Would I be overstepping my boundaries by writing to her? And more surely than not, she may now be with someone new. In which case he would be the one to treat her to a great time on this day, so why would she even bother with my silly message?
Throughout the day when an email notification came in, my nervousness kicked in. Would it be her? Would she kindly respond asking me to leave her alone? Notifications came throughout the day, but none were a response from her.
By evening time my mind had moved on from her, I had forgotten of the email I’d sent earlier. When I checked my phone later in the day, among the list of emails and text notifications that had come in, there she was.
I hesitated to open her response for a moment. I finally opened it to see her reply — “Thank You!” Her reply was as simple as my wishes to her.
I looked at the screen for a moment wondering how I should receive her answer. Had she just been courteous in her reply? Or had she been pleased or even surprised to find me in her inbox? Had a smile or a smirk reflected on her face? I don’t know. I cannot be sure what kind of “thank you” that was. More than likely it is a genuine thanks and I may be overthinking it too much.
Regardless if our paths ever cross again, she will forever remain a part of my life and my story. She will forever be that old friend.
Will I wish her happy birthday the following year? I don’t know. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
* * *
*Name has been changed to Sara.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Thanh Mai Nguyen on Unsplash