“I Get Too Obsessed Too Quickly When I Like Someone...”

Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.

Getting Obsessed in Early Dating

Hello everyone! I am Matthew Hy, the author of the brand-new book *Love Life*, which became a New York Times bestseller a few weeks ago. I’m also a coach specializing in confidence and relational intelligence, and for the last 17 years, I’ve been helping people find the healthy love they want.

Today’s video is based on a question I received from one of my *Love Life* members. If you don’t know, I have a year-round program where I coach people who want to find love. If you want to make me your official coach, I’ll leave a link below for you to check that out: loveifclub.com.

This particular member asked about obsession in early dating. What can you do if, whenever you meet someone you like, you immediately become obsessed? You may get carried away and risk ruining the experience, either by feeling anxious all the time or actually sabotaging it by becoming the person we are when we get obsessed.

So let’s talk about this: why do we get obsessed in early dating? What are the five things you can know today that will help you the next time you find yourself in this situation?

By the way, it would mean a lot to me if you liked this video, subscribed to this channel, and hit the notification bell. That way, the next time I make a video, you’ll get notified instead of discovering it three months later and thinking, “I really could have used this video back then.”

1. Identify the Feeling

Let’s start with the idea of obsession in early dating. The first thing you need to know is to identify the feeling. When we’re out there meeting someone, falling for them quickly, and then becoming anxious about their lack of communication, we tend to think of this as a sign of how important they are to our happiness.

However, what this feeling actually is—what we must label it as—is anxiety. This is a form of anxious rumination. We think, “I really like them; they don’t like me as much as I like them. If they don’t like me, my whole life is going to get worse.” These thoughts indicate an intensity of anxiety that likely predates this person.

Ask yourself: Is this the first person you’ve ever felt this anxiety with, or is anxiety a constant in your life? If it is, good news! It’s not that this person is the most important person in the world; it’s that you’re coming to the table with a pre-existing level of anxious attachment.

2. The Anxiety That Lies in Wait

Now that we’ve identified that feeling as anxiety, let’s move on to point number two: that anxiety will follow you anywhere. It will transfer to the next person you meet. If you move on from this person and feel good afterward, that anxiety won’t have gone away; it will just be dormant, waiting for the next person.

When someone new comes along, if you decide you like them, the anxiety reappears. This anxiety follows you into every stage of the relationship. When we’re single, the anxiety is about never meeting anyone. When we meet someone, the anxiety shifts to worrying if they like us as much as we like them.

Even if the relationship progresses and you feel safe, the anxiety can shift to fears of losing that person or even existential worries about their well-being. The anxiety never really goes away; it just finds a new target.

This realization can be liberating. Knowing that your anxiety is the constant, not the person you’re focused on, allows you to recognize that the thing you’re currently fixating on isn’t as important as you’re making it out to be.

3. The Unmet Need Behind Our Anxiety

Next, we need to recognize that behind the anxiety of obsession is an unmet need. This anxious obsession feels like a bad thing, but it often stems from a need for safety, consistency, or validation.

There’s nothing wrong with having these needs. We all have them, especially if we’ve experienced trauma or instability in our lives. The problem arises when we project these unmet needs onto someone we’ve just met, making them the sole provider of our emotional safety.

This can lead to unhealthy behaviors. We start saying and doing things that push away secure people. Conversely, it can attract people who exploit our vulnerabilities, providing false reassurance that only heightens our anxiety.

The bottom line is that we need to stop nominating others as the answers to our internal struggles. The obsession we feel is merely an expression of our internal anxiety and needs.

4. Create a Safe Home Within Yourself

It’s okay to like someone; we don’t have to become indifferent to protect ourselves. We can want more with someone while also recognizing when our feelings stray into anxiety. Instead of seeking external validation, we need to create a home within ourselves.

Take a moment to imagine a scenario where you feel nervous or anxious—like being at a party where you don’t know anyone. Recognize the feelings of lack of safety and the desire for external validation. You don’t need to find that comfort outside yourself.

The reassurance and comfort you seek can be created within.

5. Connect With Your Inner Child

Now, what does that inner voice need? It craves safety, but what if we could provide that feeling from within? Acknowledge your feelings with compassion. Tell yourself, “I understand why you’re feeling this way. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s okay to feel scared.”

As the adult in the room, you must be firm yet compassionate. Recognize that while this voice may be anxious, it isn’t all of you. Guide it gently, but firmly, away from anxious thoughts and toward healthier ones.

You can assure yourself that you’re okay even if this person doesn’t text back. You’ve survived similar situations in the past, and this person isn’t the most important person in the world.

Let me know what you thought of this video. Are you someone who obsessively ruminates when dating? Do you get carried away too quickly? I’m excited to read your comments!

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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