No matter where it’s brought him, Steven Axelrod is committed to the life he’s living.
I’m 54 years old. I’ve been a painting contractor for more than 20 years. I put my 23-year-old daughter through college. I’m putting my son through college now.
And I have 21 dollars in the bank.
This prompts an obvious question: what am I doing wrong?
There are many ways to dodge the question: the most obvious is that I have almost $8,000 coming to me this month. This type of work is prone to financial peaks and valleys. But you’re supposed to have something in the bank to insulate you from the worst of it. And I have nothing. No savings, no insurance, no retirement. Just 21 dollars and some promises.
How did this happen?
I think, I’m not a drunk or a drug addict. I’m not a gambler.
But then I think: yes I am. That’s exactly what I am. I gambled everything on the idea that I could make a living from my writing. And that gamble has relentlessly failed to pay off, year after year, decade after decade. Oh sure, I made some money, I got in the Writer’s Guild, I got just enough encouragement to keep me going, to make sure I squandered everything to keep the dream alive. It looks foolish now because I failed. If I had succeeded, it would look like a classic American Dream narrative. “It took him 20 years to become an overnight success.”
But that didn’t happen. It may never happen. And yet, I still think it might. I keep gambling. The only other choice is to give up. I have an agent now. I have a book almost ready to submit for publication. I have to believe in this last flicker of possibility because I have nothing else. In two years I may have an MFA; without a published book, that won’t mean much. Right now I have a packet of graduate work due in two weeks, a bunch of unfinished revisions on my desk, and 21 dollars in the bank.
The mind roams and paces on these long summer evenings, walking through the regrets and recriminations:
- I should have gone to film school.
- I should have gotten this MFA 20 years ago.
- I should have gotten a teaching certificate 15 years ago
- I should have gotten a real estate license 10 years ago.
- I should have saved my money against a rainy day.
Instead, I’m soaked to the skin, it’s monsoon season, and I’m dying from an optimism every bit as toxic as despair.
Yet I remain optimistic. It’s my personal fatalism.
It’s fate.
I’m actually committed to this life. By doing nothing else, by sneering at real estate and spurning film school, by refusing to teach, by not moving out to Los Angeles, by choosing to raise my kids on this tiny island on the way to Portugal, by shying away from building a real crew out of cheap foreign labor and courting the big contractors, by plugging along, losing customers to immigrant labor, cutting my prices to the bone to compete with people who pay no taxes or insurance, I created this bleak, untenable, humiliating, idiotic circumstance: 54 years old, twenty one dollars in the bank.
So what am I going to do?
What I always do, what I have to do, what I’ve always done: keep working.
And hope for the best.
Originally appeared at OpenSalon.
—Photo Images_of_Money/Flickr
Thanks, Rachel. It’s actually working out OK, so far. Though I have to share with you all a comment my son made a few years ago, in the year between high school and college, when he was painting with me. We were about 35 feet up on two parallel ladders, final coating the clapboard on an old house. He said, “You know Dad, it occurred to me the other day that you didn’t really leverage being a tall, white, privileged, American male quite as well as you might have.” Ouch. It’s true … I made the art bet and lost… Read more »
“I am, first off, impressed that you chose to do what you love.” I would love to fly like a bird. Would it impress you if I took a leap off a tall building and flapped my arms in the hope I could fly. “Once a delusioniod, always a delusionoid …I think a better adjective would be hopeful pragmatist (since you seem so self aware). ” I like delusionoid better. “powerful gift you have given to them: that of courage, integrity and optimism (a leap of faith, that is). ” He has indeed given them an extremely powerful gift: a… Read more »
Assman is indeed a fitting name for you.
As for your response to my comment, jumping off a building would not be flying like a bird, it would be idiotic and you know that is not equivalent to what he is doing.
Which is why I say I am impressed at Steven, he has managed to do the risque without coming out short.
Thanks all the comments and interest … The book is fiction, and this post was written a while ago. To update it, I got the MFA– which I would highly recommend to anyone who is serious about their writing. My agent hasn’t been able to sell the book, a dark noir tale of losers and their downfall. Too noir, too dark, apparently. Meanwhile a lighter tome, my grad school creative thesis, is one “read” away tom being published (or rejected) by a prestigious small publisher. I’m just crossing my fingers and hoping that the Editor-in-Chief likes it. My kids are… Read more »
I think a better adjective would be hopeful pragmatist (since you seem so self aware). As for the book, you could have Amazon publish it.
My absolute admiration and respect!!. Wonderful choices are sometimes tough , I know. I am a psychologist who at 36 swore to do what I loved the most: writing…and the path has been as amazing as rewarding. I hope it can be the same for you. you deserve it (we all do). and your children who have been blessed by you and the powerful gift you have given to them: that of courage, integrity and optimism (a leap of faith, that is). Saludos desde Chile, Vinka Jackson
“Of all the words of mice and men the saddest are it might have been” Can’t remember who’s credited with saying it but it seems appropriate here. I find it interesting the were the same age and I have $159.00 in the bank and live on $8,000 a year. No spouse, no kids and for most intents and purposes no problems. I read your story (twice) and think a lot of people would kill to have your life (not me, still a lot) so I’m glad you appreciate fully what you have and what you’ve done. Besides, as long as… Read more »
Hmm… You don’t have to give up your dreams to have a practical side and make alternative arrangements for your family’s future and security. It’s not all-or-nothing.
Wow! This is quite the post, it stirs up so many thoughts! I am, first off, impressed that you chose to do what you love. Be proud! Secondly, I pray you continue to find security and peace. Next pay you get, make sure to set some aside!! 😉