Everyone has a love story. Mine was just kept in secret until I was ready to get married.
. . .
The Golden Rule
Growing up in a strict household, the differentiation between right and wrong was made clear pretty early. Before I even turned 13, I was told by my dad that I could do whatever I wanted in life.
But there was one golden rule that I could never break:
“Never ever marry a foreigner”
Well at the age of 12, I thought that was too easy of a rule. I enjoyed spending time with my parents and being spoilt with anything I ever wanted from my dad.
. . .
While I started to understand the world, I quickly realized that the local men from my country were just not my type.
What do I do now? I thought of living a peaceful life alone, with my cats and dogs. Drama free.
Then when I got to university, reality hit me hard — I fell oh so deeply in love with my “foreigner guy best friend”.
We both knew the consequences. We understood that the golden rule was much bigger than just my parents.
I can still remember meeting with my now-husband during our early days and explaining that I was not allowed to simply date.
I needed him to be with me in the long run, in our little undercover relationship. Even if sh*t happens, I had his love and support.
. . .
The Dating Phase
As a secret couple, we were restricted to the places we can go to.
All we wanted was to share a cup of coffee and converse. You can forget about all the good stuff, such as making out, or sleeping together — that was just a risky maneuver that could jeopardize our relationship for good. (Imagine that!)
We strategically planned where to meet, which was mostly at our university café, Starbucks, or McDonalds — no fancy dates.
For the most part, our secret relationship was filled with love, laughter, and friendship. But there was always fear. Fear of getting caught. Fear of the future. Fear of the unknown. And the list goes on.
It was crazy to think I found someone willing to risk it all with me. If it did not work out, we could have wasted years of our lives together.
. . .
Ready for Marriage
I woke up one day, and just thought I could not hide our relationship to my parents anymore.
I never waited for a marriage proposal from my now-husband, I was confident he was always ready.
We were entering our mid-twenties, with stable employment, enough savings, still in love, and dedicated. There was nothing else keeping me from marriage, besides my parents’ approval.
Since it was my dad who explained the golden rule to me and would occasionally remind me throughout my life — I decided going through my mom would be the easier path.
Without informing my partner, I went ahead and invited my mom for breakfast a few days before Valentine’s Day of 2018.
. . .
Factors that contributed to revealing the truth:
1. I was old enough to be taken seriously — there were so many times during our relationship that tempted me to come clean. But I was just too young, and the last thing I want was for my parents to think it was all “puppy love”.
2. We both independent make money, which meant I wasn’t terrified of being thrown out of my parents’ house in case things did not work out.
3. Curious to what’s the worst thing that can happen? Would the family murder me? Would they murder him to keep us apart? Really, what’s the worst thing?
4. I was proud of my spouse in almost every aspect. Our differences in culture, similarities in our love for food, and as cliché as it may sound, I knew deep in my heart that my parents would appreciate him too.
. . .
Seeking Approval
During breakfast with my mom, I broke it to her by saying:
“I found who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
She cried, then I cried.
The first question she asked me was, “where is he from?”
I told her, and she cried even more. Happy for me, but worried how we were going to get my father’s approval.
It all happened so fast. My mom met her then future son-in-law that same day and gave her blessings.
She then immediately when to my father to tell him it was going to happen whether he approved it or not. Her idea, not mine.
It took my father some time to process that his precious daughter just broke the golden rule. Out of all the men in the country, I chose a nationality that did not fit his criteria. After countless arguments, he finally caved in.
My extended family was shocked too, but since my parents stood by us, it became easier.
The process of marrying me was beyond just asking my father for my hand. He had to show financial proof that he can support me. He even needed to apply for a Good Conduct Certificate from our local police department, just to make sure he hasn’t committed any crime as a foreigner in the country.
Was I even worth it?
. . .
The Wedding — How I Got Away With It
I never dreamed of my wedding.
In all our years together, whenever we discussed a wedding, we mainly focused on how our lives would look like after getting married. Freely walking in a mall together, even publicly holding hands maybe.
We saw our wedding not as the potential “best day our lives” — but as a necessary step to publicize our relationship to people, whether they mattered or not is a conversation for another day.
In all honesty, just show people what they want to see, and tell people what they want to hear. That’s exactly how I got away with it. Thanks to the art of manipulation.
Some people might have even thought I was “old meat” and needed to settle for a foreigner to get married. If that made them sleep better, then sure, I was old rotten meat (I was only 25 years old!).
We did whatever it took to maintain the peace within families.
Knowing that I have broken the golden rule sure made me guilty. But it was foolish rule, to begin with anyway.
I wanted peace of mind, and a smooth process to go through the wedding.
Just like cuddling with cats and dogs, I wanted to feel that comfort and celebrate our wedding drama-free.
I knew it would all be worth it eventually.
. . .
Two years later, we are still happily married. I am no longer the only one in love with my husband, my parents are too.
I hope this life experience of mine inspires you to stick with the person you love, despite existing rules, and not lose your family in the process.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Unsplash