Last month, just before the year ended, I did a retrospective on my life. I looked at times when I’d settled in my career and in my personal life and I came to the conclusion that settling never works out in the long term. Yes, it might look like it’s working out in the interim, but long term, it never does.
Why did I settle?
There were legitimate reasons why I settled. In the career space, it was during an economic downturn and jobs were not plentiful so I took one that was willing to hire me and at least keep me in my field. The second time, I was working in a TOXIC department, where they did not value me and showed me in numerous ways that they didn’t. I wanted OUT from that place like yesterday and then I found another job that would hire me and ignored internal warnings that I got during the interview that this new manager was cuckoo-for-cocoa puffs. It turned out to be the worst job I’d ever had in my life. I need to write an article about this in my corporate blog: How I left one toxic job only to end up in another toxic job.
But since this publication is about love, let’s talk about my personal life. I have shared in the past how I chased love. I thought love was a numbers game and I needed to put myself out there, go to every event, sign up for dating apps, attend speed dating events, sign up with dating coaches and law of attraction coaches to “bring love in” ad nauseum. This is despite the fact that I am a certified introvert and that social situations are draining. I am so glad I’m out of that phase.
During that time, I did settle for a few men that in retrospect I never should have. They all pursued me relentlessly and I rationalized that since they were pursuing me, they really loved me.
Ha!
I have learned without a doubt that a man pursuing you is not necessarily love. He could be a narcissist love bombing the hell out of you.
Anyway, back to my story. There was one man that I was physically attracted to but who was not at my educational or career level. I rationalized that love would conquer all.
He turned out to be the most heartless man I’ve ever had the misfortune to come across. I actually moved out of my home because of that experience.
Another man seemed decent. I wrote about him here. He turned out to be the most transactional man I’ve ever met in my life.
And then there was one more, who I was not that physically attracted to. I thought, “Hey, I’ve tried the cute guy route, perhaps someone who doesn’t blow my socks off might actually work for me”
HA!
HA!
HA!
HA!
HA!
This last man doesn’t deserve much virtual ink. He was callous, manipulative, and a user. In fact, this one hurts the most: To have given a chance to someone you were not even attracted to, only to have that person play you.
That is hell on earth!
Now let me remind you again: All of these men pursued me. I never chased them. They all started out acting like they were in love, and interested, only for the mask to fall and reveal their true character.
So it’s been a few years since I’ve been with anyone.
I’ve been using that time to heal and focus on other more rewarding pursuits, like Medium.
I still dip my toe in the dating app waters every now and then but if I’m brutally honest, it has never worked for me.
But what can I say, I am always hopeful for love
Anyway, imagine my surprise when during one of my meetup outings, an acquaintance asked me out.
Que?
I could not believe I was being asked out at a meetup event. Meetup is usually majority women.
But yes, a man, asked me out and he did so in the wild.
It’s not that men never ask me out in real life. It’s just that it’s rare and it’s been especially so since ME TOO became a thing.
I basically told him that I needed time.
Why?
One of the decisions I made last month was that I’d never settle again in a relationship. I told myself that I would only accept a man that I was physically attracted to. Secondly, I also decided that I would never accept a man who was far below my educational and career level. Basically, he needs a job, a good one. The men I settled for that were not equals in that sense, harbored hidden resentment for me and tried to break me.
AGAIN, they all pursued me.
Anyway, back to the present.
I don’t know the full career picture of this new man, because again, we’ve only been meetup acquaintances. I know he’s pleasant, but then again, all men seem great in the beginning.
All men seem great in the beginning
The thing is, I am not wildly sexually attracted to him.
He’s decent looking but I am not gaga over him.
There is now a fight going on in my head.
Here is how it’s going.
“Lily, remember you promised yourself, never to settle for someone you are not attracted to”
“Well, you don’t know yet if you are attracted to him fully. You know how you like smart guys. You haven’t given him a chance to even reveal himself”
“I have never grown to love someone I was not initially attracted to. There has to be something to go off on, from the beginning”
“Well you don’t know”
“I know what I’ve experienced in the past”
“Remember that Ali Binazir in the Tao of Dating said most married women did not like their husbands in the beginning but grew to love them with time”
“I have never grown to love someone who I wasn’t initially attracted to. Maybe those women could grow to love, but I’ve never. Furthermore, when I gave a chance to that devil I was not attracted to, it burnt me in the a$$”
“That guy was a manipulative twit. We don’t know about this one”
“I know I don’t want that pain again”
“But don’t you want to love?”
“Of course, I do. I also want to learn from the past”
“What if he’s the one?”
“I’m not sure he can be the one if I don’t feel desire for him”
“You have to try. You are the one who wakes up aching for the love of your life”
“I know, but again, I don’t want to repeat the mistakes of the past. My heart can’t take any more pain. Besides Lacy Phillips says we should not settle, that the universe is testing to see if we are in our worth”
“Oh, Lord. Lacy Phillips. I thought you were done with these law of attraction coaches?”
“I am, but I actually resonate with what she says. What if by me giving this guy a chance, I delay my soulmate coming?”
And on and on it goes
Will I be settling if I gave this guy a chance?
Scratch that: Will I be settling if I allowed him one date?
Should I follow my gut feelings and let him go?
This is the thing with dating, the uncertainty.
You really don’t know what will work until you try it.
I have dated guys I was attracted to and guys I was not and it all ended in disaster.
I wish there was a sign on men’s heads that described their hearts.
In the meantime, I’m no closer to making a decision.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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