If No One Is Going to Say it, I Will: How the Bloody Hell Did I End Up Here?

In the wise words of the imaginary band from ‘Music & Lyrics’ (that incredible Hugh Grant Drew Barrymore movie):

It wasn’t supposed to end up like this.

One of the advice you hear most as a single person in your late 30’s/40’s is stop ‘looking for it’ — to just stop looking for love. That’s when it will find you.

To the risk of sounding like a complete loner, I truly, genuinely, deeply DO NOT believe love is in any way coming to find me, yet here I am, with a hyaluronic acid and collagen mask on, at 4.30pm, candles burning, flowers in my living room, Olivia Dean blasting in the background, writing to you, my friends.

AKA — tested the theory, it doesn’t work.

My mother recently reminded me that when I was in my early 20’s, commenting on women at my current age looking for love, I used to share how desperate they looked and how they had little chances of finding love from a place of sheer desperation. Ooooooops!

Never once, in my 20-year-old self made observations, did I imagine there was even a 0.00000001% chance that I would be in this position.

Literally.
Never.

Always surrounded by handsome successful men who went out of their way to conquer me, I thought I would magically slip into the relationship of a lifetime.

Yes, my friends, karma is a B.

Here I am, three months away from my 39th birthday, calculating the fact that whomever I meet and whenever I may meet them, there are now zero chances I will have a kid before I turn 40. (If I ever have the privilege of having one, that is).

Though my family is the most supportive, my mother never stops reminding us all of how many children have congenital problems when born via IVF or when conceived too late.

As if we didn’t already concern ourselves enough with this issue.

The late 30’s desperation, is a thing.

We are not supposed to say it, but I bet I’m not the only one out there thinking it.

So I’ll say it for anyone out there who is feeling exactly the same.

It’s true. It really is.

And it’s not just about the biological clock, it runs much deeper than this.

It’s about having someone to share the little moments with, someone to call when you have a big win, someone to speak to when you want to complain about the shitty friend.

It’s about sharing a flat or planning to buy a house, being able to book a vacation without having to choose a destination last minute just in case you meet ‘them’ in time or to see which of your coupled up friends ends up with a joinable plan or single again.

It’s about not having to go out at night after a long and heavy work week and even worse, having to look presentable, humanized and even social with complete strangers who 99% of time are just wasting your time.

In my case, as a coach, hence as someone who listens to people’s problems all day long, it’s about not having to listen to one more story. I don’t have it in me. I just want to hear about my A-list’s problems if any.

It’s about that big hug when you walk home, about someone cooking for you, just once, after a long day. Or when you’re ill. It’s about opening a bottle of red and not having to drink it alone for 4 days when it’s only good for 3.

And the list continues.

I thought it was just the women but there are so many men I speak with who are feeling just the same.

I wish I could tell the younger generation that a great career is enough, that amazing friends, enough money, complete freedom is all you need to be happy. They are right, of course, they are. I just can’t fully believe it.

Yes, as my coupled up friends always say, relationships are also hard at times, it’s true. The wrong relationship can ruin you.

But being alone is also kind of hard.

I guess it goes in waves, one moment you’re thinking —

Yes, I am alone I can do everything I can.

The next — I can starfish in my bed.

No one is here to watch me star fishing, how sad.

I can move anywhere yay.

But do I want to move alone?

I’m going to go out and dance all night.

But I’m too tired to go out all night I just want to watch a movie and snuggle with my love.

Bottom line, I remind myself every single day of how fortunate I am to have this incredible life, and I truly and sincerely know this.

However, there also is this deep rooted voice inside me that says ‘what’s wrong with you for not finding the love of your life?’ or:

Everyone has found someone, literally EVERYONE. Why haven’t I?

The voice also sends out other signs of its presence in your life:

You’re supposed to be happy alone.
Everyone else has got it together. Your life is a mess.
Men are now looking for younger partners, hence you’re like a spare part.
If you look desperate, it’s never going to happen.
You must push yourself to go out, even when it’s the absolute last thing you want to do or you risk dying a spinster.
You should have it together by now.
You’re most likely never going to have the kids you so wanted.
You’re too old.

F%$K. How the hell did I end up here?

My therapist was clear: STOP DATING AND HEAL.

As an immediate response to this message, my entire system went into a ‘shock’ emergency mode. I started scrambling, actively replying to the list of men who constantly write and I typically never engage with.

I went on that date last week with Feeld guy, I hoped again. I made up movies in my head hoping this would lead to the ‘funniest story of how I met my husband’.

I did so many things completely wrong until finally I decided to stay in on Saturday night, feeling terribly lonely, ironing and fixing my closet, instead of getting on a new app for some quick ego boost.

On Sunday morning I had a big breakdown with my dear friend ML and admitted to myself that I am struggling at the moment.

I haven’t stopped all of my self sabotage actions, I’m still swimming into coping mechanisms I know I need to deactivate, however I am trying so hard to also begin my healing journey which — to be fair to myself — I though I was well on until my therapist told me I was in fact nowhere near the path.

It’s not because you come to therapy that you are healing — she said. It’s a two way street.

You actually have to engage with the therapy, you have to put in the work to change.

If you go out there and date as you are you will keep selecting the wrong people and dating the same man again and again.

Perhaps it’s time you decide you take 6 months to truly heal so that you can have the exact love you are looking for. Because it’s out there.

I knew she was right.

I’m not sure I believe love is out there for me yet, but I am trying to find the strength to believe again.

I know it’s time to stop repeating my old patterns. I couldn’t be more triggered if I tried.

The prospect of permanently missing out on the one thing I truly want in life is devastating, so I promise myself that I will try.

The amount of FOMO I am experiencing by deciding I will not date is undescrivable. I just want to go on a beautiful dinner date, wear a little dress and high heels and feel loved and wanted and wined and dined.

I want to feel in love.

I want to feel a hand intertwined with mine.

I want to kiss someone I’m crazy about and who is crazy about me.

It’s time to change.

I got up this morning at 6.30, headed to cycling, where every time they turn the lights off and the music is pumping I close my eyes and visualize the love I am looking for.

I see a tall guy, quite young probably mid 30’s, tall, big, curly brown hair, beautiful smile, in a very normal room with a window behind him. I cannot see his face well but we’re home together and I’m happy.

I close my eyes to visualize that love I so deeply want.

Here’s what I’m going to do, I will record a visualization for all of us that are out there hoping. Let’s really try to materialize the love we want and deserve into our lives by rewiring our limiting beliefs. Let’s heal. Let’s actually make those changes.

I guess this is the part of the blog post where I should say — the truth is that I’m not behind, I’m exactly where I should be!

But F-it I am not going to say it.

It should be okay to just say — I’m behind guys. I feel like I am late to the party, and I want to say it out loud in case you’re also faced with the constant ‘you’re not late, everything comes at the right time’ BS.