If 'That’s Not What Happened' Rings a Bell, You‘re 99% Gaslighted.

“You’re remembering things wrong.” Said my boss, to whom I delivered a detailed, well-written PowerPoint presentation but still somehow found a way to convince me I forgot to include a slide with some extra information, which was obviously not shared.

“Did you send me an e-mail with that extra information you wanted me to include?” I asked in a pointless effort to point out his wrongness.

“You don’t need an e-mail. We talked about it on Tuesday; you just forgot about it. You’ll have to redo it.”

I was shaking. I clearly remember what was said and what wasn’t. But, oh, well, how do I prove them wrong?

I knew what was happening.

It happened before when my ex tried to convince me that his behavior was my fault. Or when my dad wondered why I couldn’t be more like my brother. Or when my best friend in high school humiliated one of our group friends and put the blame on me, claiming that I had started the rumor.

Gaslighting is a type of hidden manipulation that can harm our mental and emotional well-being. What scares me most about it is that it often goes unnoticed until the point that we question our sanity, thinking that we are the crazy ones.

Am I crazy or gaslighted?

“Maybe it was my fault,” “Maybe I don’t remember how things happened,” “Maybe it’s not a big deal,” or “True, I’m being too sensitive,” We think, and we get on with our day. Yet something still feels off; we take it so far with us that we are indeed losing it.

That’s statements we’ve all made with ourselves at one point or another. It’s not uncommon to be puzzled about our memory, especially when our loved ones deny events and things that obviously happened or were clearly stated.

Sometimes, things that were said or done are so painful we don’t even want to deal with the agonizing consequences of confronting them. Denying them convenience us, so conniving to the lies and hiding from the threat like ostriches creates another pile of damage to which we’re contributing.

Until the pile breaks down alongside our mental health.

When we reach a point where we’re wondering whether we are being gaslighted, 99%, we are. The challenging part about it is admitting it to ourselves, accepting it, and finding healthy ways to detach from it and disarm the manipulator without further drama.

This type of manipulation is far too common. In fact, 50% of workers aged 18–54 have experienced it at least once in the workplace, while more than 43 million women and 38 million men have been through it by an intimate partner.

And yet, 3 in 4 US adults don’t know what gaslighting is.

They feel hopeless, constantly questioning their sanity, and still unable to confront their abusers.

So, what do we do about it?

Spot the most common gaslighting phrases.

You are right to suspect gaslighting whenever someone denies your feelings, events, thoughts, or behaviors, especially if it happens continuously.

Knowing the phrases below can help you spot the hidden manipulation attempts beforehand.

So, do these phrases ring a bell?

“You ‘re being paranoid.”

“You ‘re too sensitive.”

“That’s not what happened”

“I was joking. Don’t you have a sense of humor?”

“It’s all in your head.”

“You are overreacting.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

“You need a lot of work.”

“You’re changing what happened.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“That’s how I am, and your reactions make me that way.”

These phrases might look harmless, but if you analyze the objectives behind each, in reality, they have three intentions:

a) Invalidating and devaluing your feelings (You’re too sensitive, you’re overreacting, you’re exaggerating.)

b) Denying past events. (It’s all in your head, you’re changing what happened, and you’re being paranoid)

c) Making you feel responsible for their behavior. (I was joking, that’s how I am, you need a lot of work, I don’t know what you want me to say)

So, it’s true; it’s happening to us. And if we don’t find ways to come clean and get out, we know that our mental health is in danger. But is there truly a way to detach from it healthily?

Here’s what you can do:

Keep a journal to track your feelings and events.

It started with manifestation journaling for me, but I realized that the prompt “What made me feel negative today?” helped me put my thoughts in order daily.

I knew when someone made me feel off and writing it down uncovered the reason and the exact event. There was no way I could have made things up and at least I was entitled to my feelings, even if those were invalidated or devalued.

So next time someone tried to prove me wrong or debunk my emotions, I knew the day, the exact event, and the reason that fueled my feelings.

There was no space for questioning.

Get in touch with yourself and learn the signs.

Manifesting inner peace by learning to understand and read your behaviors at each and every moment is priceless. That’s why it’s crucial to be able to understand the glaring signs and indications of your mental health when someone close might be gaslighting you.

Here are a few signs, among others, that you might be dealing with emotional distress because of gaslighting:

You feel confused constantly about the way things happen. You remember things in a specific way, but the other person distorts that reality, and you feel lost.
You second-guess yourself and ask for friends’ information. “Maybe I’m not right,” you think, and you require validation or proof from friends.
You feel like everything you do is wrong. No matter how much you try to be nice, respectful, and attentive, you’re the wrong one. You’re the crazy one, always.
You apologize often for the way you feel or react. “Maybe I’m a bit too much.” And because you’re too much, you have to apologize for how you are, react, or feel.
You started dealing with more anxiety. Something is seriously off with how you process feelings; it wasn’t always like that.

Find intelligent ways to disarm them.

Memorizing a formula of phrases and actions to prevent destructive conversations before they even start is key to disarming gaslighters.

Remember, these people hold their power by calling forth their manipulation tactics. Fall for it, and you‘ll give away control. By getting involved in conversations that lead nowhere, it’s wiser to be able to recognize the moment those talks are heading to dead ends.

So, how do you leave those ruinous conversations while putting gaslighters back in their place?

Some phrases you can use, among others, are the following:

”Looks like we remember things differently, so we can agree to disagree.”
“If you continue to invalidate me, I ‘ll leave this conversation.”
I remember what happened. So I’m not interested in debating with you over it.”
That’s how I felt, and I’m entitled to my feelings.”

Focus on self-love and set your boundaries.

Self-love sounds like an oversaturated topic, yet, it wouldn’t come up constantly if we knew how to love ourselves properly and practice it daily.

We’ve correlated self-love with affirmations, gratitude lists, self-care, or eating healthy because that’s what everyone tells us. But here’s the thing: Self-love is the awareness of our worthiness and our ability to preserve it by not engaging in self-destructive situations and relationships.

The moment we might be attached or tangled to an unsafe pattern is inevitable: the world is full of demons and duskiness.

Therefore, we practice self-love when we know how to set boundaries and disengage from anyone or anything that does not serve one purpose: helping our worthiness shine and thrive.

Takeaway

Gaslighting is a form of narcissism, and it is essential to identify and eliminate it before we face detrimental consequences to our mental health and emotional well-being.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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