If Their Words Are Different Than Their Actions, Trust Their Actions

They bailed on the last date you guys set up. Their explanation? A friend ended up needing help to move a new couch in their apartment. This isn’t the first time you’ve gotten that last minute text. However, they said they would make it up to you with a nice dinner at a restaurant you have wanted to go to.

As you get ready for the dinner date, you keep nervously eyeing your phone. The uneasy feeling is more anxious/dread than anxious/excited. Why is it that a text from them now could be bad? You are not nervous about seeing them or going to the restaurant. So, what is your gut trying to tell you?

You don’t want to admit it to yourself, but you’re nervous your date might cancel again.

Why would they cancel? They wanted to make it up to you. They planned the date special for you.

Before completely writing your date off, lets reflect a bit more on things they may have said or done in the past.

Were there statements made in the past about canceling other plans with friends?

When discussing their plans for the future weekend, has your significant other said that they were invited to go do something but the decision to go will be made the the day of? They are waiting to see what else is going on that weekend.

If so, they see invitations to hang out as options. They will say yes to multiple different events throughout the week so that they have different “options” to choose from later. They may also having this perspective with your dates. They see the date and you as an option and not a commitment.

Have they made comments that play down their responsibility to go do something?

Has the person you’ve been seeing, talked about shirking various adult responsibilities? Perhaps their roommates’ want to have a cleaning session for the apartment on Saturday morning. Your SO makes a rude comment about the cleaning duties, “I told them I would be there, but I don’t think I want to. I think I will just head out beforehand so that I do not have to clean.” .

Cleaning the apartment is not a hugely difficult task. If you have multiple people working to complete this task, it so much easier. So, a simple, quick responsibility is brushed off because they do not feel like doing the right, needed thing that they have already committed to.

You can translate this to multiple situations in a relationship. For example, if your work has a stuffy holiday party each year, it may not be the most fun thing for you or your significant other to attend. However, if you ask them to go and they say they will, you expect them to dress up and be your date for the event. What if, that afternoon your SO decides they do not want to go and therefore do not get ready? It’s really hurtful because you thought you could count of them to be responsible and go with you because they said they would. It’s not difficult to see these bad behaviors translate to a relationship.

Have they been late to hang out with you and made the excuse “Oh well, no big deal”?

Perhaps you are like me. At first, when a significant would be late and play it off as if there was nothing they could have or would have done to meet up on time, I saw it as laid back.

Ooooo they are so laid back and chill! Nothing can phase them.

However, after 3 months of someone constantly being late and not having any urgency to meet up with you at the agreed upon time, it starts to really piss you off.

I have learned that someone who makes an effort to meet at the agreed upon time, is showing respect to you and your time. It is a non-verbal way of demonstrating commitment to your word. If your SO does not see being late to meet you as an issue, they are not respecting their word, you or your time.

If you have called them out on being non-committal have they respected your comment or reacted defensively toward it?

Go back to the previous example of your significant other being late to meet up with you for a couple of months. You are peeved and so you decide to say something about it.

“Hey, I feel disrespected when I get to our date on time, but you are consistently late. I would feel more respected if you made more of an effort to get to our agreed upon dates, on time.”

This statement is in no way radical or horribly rude. You are stating how and why you feel the way you do AND you give an action-based solution to resolve the ongoing issue. This is healthy and constructive.

Well, they do not see it the same way. They actually start to get defensive and may blame you for too-high expectations or that the world is keeping them from making it on time (oh sure, the world is DEFINITELY out to get them).

Someone who has a hard time hearing that they have hurt someone else and therefore has to throw the hurt back in their partner’s face shows that they do not like to take responsibility for their actions. They do not realize that their actions and promises have an impact on others. They cannot commit to their words because they do not want to be called out for when they go against their own words.

This person may commit with their words but will not truly hold responsibility for it in their mind and actions.

. . .

Unfortunately, If your date or significant other has exhibited the behaviors stated above, your gut is trying to remind you that you know they are not reliable and probably will bail again even though their words created an alternative narrative.

Time to step away from them and towards someone who is committed to their word and you. They are out there I promise!

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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