If I could time travel into the past and repeat the same mistakes with dating these are the mistakes I would repeat.
I would tell the younger version of myself to avoid these 6 lessons.
The situationships I participated in were at best unsatisfying and at worst emotionally tumultuous. They were dead-end relationships that only had one outcome.
Someone’s needs were being sacrificed for who knows what. Not being alone? Sex? Fleeting or momentary excitement? It wasn’t worth it, but the lessons learned outweighed the emotionally unavailable and toxic partners I encountered.
1. Stop expecting others to fix you
A relationship can’t fix you. No one in this world can fix the relationship you have with yourself. Your responsibility is to make yourself happy and to complete yourself. Because people can tell when you need them, and you’re more likely to settle out of desperation.
If you’ve ever been with someone who needed you, wasn’t it off-putting? Wasn’t there a lot of pressure?
I thought that my life was going to get better with the last person I dated. I thought things were “finally looking up” and I could relax. Nothing changed. Even though I consciously knew no one could “fix” me, I still felt unhappy, anxious, and afraid of being alone.
In fact, with her around, life was more complicated.
This “relationship” was a situationship in disguise. She didn’t change anything about my self-esteem. It only masked the pain.
2. Set boundaries (with yourself)
If you set boundaries with yourself, most dysfunctional relationships can be avoided. Guess why? No one is forcing you to be in a relationship with someone else. Whatever kind of relationship you have mirrors your relationship with yourself.
Does your partner constantly call you derogatory names? Chances are your inner critic is often mean and rude to you too.
Does your partner constantly show up late or not at all? What are the chances you aren’t showing up for yourself in some area of life?
Does your partner cheat on you? Some part of you is OKAY with the emotional distance they’re creating by that type of behavior.
Setting boundaries with yourself can be challenging. The biggest reason I’ve struggled to set boundaries with myself in relationships is that in the past I ignored my own needs to be with SOMEONE.
Remember: boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else. It’s all about you. What will you tolerate? Boundaries are the limits to where you “end” and others “begin”.
So… do you know where you stand on these things? Are there areas you’re neglecting that are leading to dead-end relationships?
- Emotional boundaries
- Physical boundaries
- Material (Possessions) boundaries
- Time boundaries
The most recent example perfectly illustrates how I saw the red flags and completely ignored them. We were dating exclusively and I asked for more commitment. Despite her fears, we agreed to a relationship, but it didn’t last much longer.
Her fears of commitment were triggered and she “shut down” after a few weeks and quit the “relationship”.
“I’m terrified of a relationship… I don’t want to build a life with anyone right now.”
In an ideal situation, I would have said “I like you, but if you’re not interested in a serious relationship, I’m going to end our agreement to dating exclusively.”
I know my limits. I won’t invest my time with people who only want to date on their terms. I’ve recognized that I’ll be okay with or without a relationship, but I’m not getting younger.
But I ignored what she said and believed I could “prove” to her there was nothing to be afraid of. It didn’t end well…
3. Audit what is going on in their lives
Most of the dead-end, casual relationships I’ve found myself in were attributed to this.
I didn’t realize it until recently, but the people I dated weren’t intentional. It was an afterthought. They had better things they wanted to do and they were too preoccupied with school, work, or some other life event.
When I thought about it, these people weren’t reasonably capable of prioritizing a relationship.
It seemed more like they wanted to date on their terms.
Let’s face it. Real relationships take time, effort, and energy. You cannot casually show up to them and hope “things work out”.
For the last several weeks I have been speculating that the last situationship was a “rebound” for my previous partner. A while ago she split up with her fiancé. I recall how lost and depressed she felt after it ended. When I met her, from how she described her life, she seemed to be in quite a state of limbo.
We were out together one day and she told me, “I’m starting to feel more like myself.”
I asked, “Does this have anything to do with me?”
“Yes.”
In the relationship, I thought “This is too good to be true.”
Once I “reawakened” her my usefulness came to an end. It was no surprise I felt like I was being strung along. I was low on her “totem pole” of priorities.
4. Don’t shut down, avoid, or “deactivate”
A great way to ensure you find yourself in a situationship is to be the one who “shuts down” or avoids intimacy or rough patches in the relationship. Or if your partner constantly shuts down when things get tough, that’s another awesome way to end up in an unfulfilling relationship.
Avoiding, “shutting down” or “deactivating” aren’t necessarily intentional behaviors, but these are complex problems that result from trauma. As a result, some individuals have a low threshold for intimacy.
If there are signs of:
- Looking away, avoiding eye contact, or curt responses.
- Using things like phones or technology during a conversation.
- Physically leaving the room or even worse — “ghosting”.
You or your partner have issues that need to be resolved.
5. Quit chasing after emotionally absent individuals
Some people aren’t meant for you.
Emotionally unavailable people might be okay to date “casually”, but they don’t make great long-term partners.
They don’t often self-reflect or take accountability. If they did, they wouldn’t be emotionally unavailable. Because these types of people have great difficulty confronting and accepting their feelings. They’d rather avoid them.
Instead, they’ll choose to mitigate the stress and anxiety of life by some form of escapism.
- Addiction or substance abuse.
- “Doom-scrolling” or social media.
- Food, partying, socializing, entertainment.
- Serial Dating.
Whatever it is, there’s SOMETHING in their lives they’re trying to hide and suppress. That takes up a lot of energy.
If they’re burning up that energy just to deal with their problems, can you honestly tell yourself they’re able or willing for anything but a casual relationship or some type of “situationship” that’s easy to manage?
The more you chase them, the more you weaken your own frame and set yourself up for heartache when they leave you.
What other signs can you look for?
Trauma dumping — they dump all their emotional baggage onto you early on. It’s a method that people unconsciously use as a buffer to real emotional intimacy.
Hyper-independence — Every adult in the dating sphere should already be expected to be independent. That’s the bare minimum. But if you go out of your way to proclaim or assert your independence, that’s subtly telling people you fear closeness or intimacy. A sure sign of an emotionally immature adult.
6. Date intentionally and have standards
For successful dating results, you must know what you want. You won’t know your boundaries if YOU don’t know what you want. How can you set and maintain them if you are oblivious to your boundaries?
And without boundaries, you’ll end up being taken along for a ride you might not wish to experience.
These are my favorite lines I LOVE to hear from women I date. I’m joking. If you don’t run NOW, you’ll be in a situationship.
You ask “Are you looking for a relationship?” And you’re met with “I think so”. This happened to me. I may worry a lot, but conversely, I often see the good in people (probably because it’s what I WANT to see).
I interpreted this as “Yes”. I asked my friend what he thought of this question, and he interpreted this as “No”.
Either answer is right, but when I realized after the “relationship” was over, her “I think so” was definitely a NO. She was not intending to do anything but date casually for her own benefit.
“I’m still figuring it out.” “Not sure yet.”
You’ll see this more often on dating apps. Apps like Tinder, Hinge, or Bumble allow you to select your dating preferences. They include things like Short-term Relationship, Long-term Relationship, or other things like Looking for Friends.
Pay attention to these things. Don’t dwell on them too much, but keep these things in mind. Because they just might be telling you where they intend to take the dating experience.
Let’s not treat love, dating, and relationships as an “Us vs. Them” mentality, but if the person you’re dating says things like “I don’t know” or “Let’s see where things go”, they actually do know.
They just don’t want to tell you. They’re not looking for anything serious. They want what they want at their convenience and when it’s easy. These phrases are merely excuses that most people actually buy into. Because how can you question someone who doesn’t know?
And without directly telling you they’re afraid of commitment or not willing to commit, here’s the biggest red flag that will tell you they aren’t ready for a relationship:
“I’m not looking to rush things.”
This sounds reasonable, but if you continue to date someone who said this, you’ll end up in a situationship. Of course, you shouldn’t jump straight into a relationship.
But all this does is hint they’re afraid of intimacy and commitment.
They don’t intend to make you a priority.
…
To Conclude,
There is no perfect solution to avoid situationships, dead-end relationships, or unhealthy dynamics. If I had the lessons pre-programmed into my mind before I started dating, I would have had a better experience. Yet, part of what makes life interesting is the unique and challenging lessons.
What would life be without self-reflection and growth?
But you can still learn and grow while avoiding many common mistakes other people like myself have made.
I’m positive that if you:
- Stop expecting others to fix you.
- Set boundaries (with yourself).
- Audit what is going on in their lives.
- Don’t shut down, avoid, or “deactivate” when things get tough.
- Quit chasing after emotionally absent individuals.
- Date intentionally and have standards.
Your experience with love and relationships will be more fulfilling and enjoyable.
…
Are you interested in more advice like this?
Subscribe to my Substack and unlock weekly exclusive insights that inspire, challenge, and transform.
Let’s grow together. Sign up now!
…
If you liked this article, follow me here on Medium.
I post new articles 2 to 3 times per week.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
 |
 |
 |
 |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Kinga Howard on Unsplash
