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The number of women unhappy in their marriages continues to increase, with only 60% of people claiming to be very happy in their relationship, according to The National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago (down from 65% a few years prior). Additionally, almost 70% of divorces are being initiated by women, according to a study from Stanford University.
After speaking with literally thousands of women about the troubles in their marriages, there is one common theme that is at the root of their unhappiness. There is one thing that they desperately want from their husbands that they don’t know how to create between them. That one thing I hear lamented more than anything else is a feeling of greater connection; your wife wants to feel more connected to you.
But here’s the problem: If she told you what she needed to be happy was for you to clean out the garage, you would know how to do that. If she told you she needed you to take a more active role with the kids, you could easily and readily comply. But when she says she wants to feel more connected to you, many men aren’t sure what to do with that. After all, where was the class on creating a connected relationship?
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Here are some tools to use so that you both can feel more connected to one another:
Embrace Communication & Curiosity
One of the best ways to connect with your beloved is to communicate. She wants to know you, and she wants to be known by you at a deep level as well.
I recall a coaching session with a male client where he told me, “My wife wants to feel more connected; she wants us to talk more. What does that even mean? We talk. We talk every day. And after being together for 25 years, don’t we already know everything there is to know about one another?”
I once heard a quote that said something along the lines of, the day you stop being curious about your wife is the day you begin to lose her. It’s time to get curious again. It’s time to start asking questions. Because, even if you’ve been married for decades, the woman your wife is today is not the same woman she was when you married her. She’s not even the same woman she was one year ago. We are all constantly evolving, so there’s always more to discover about one another. Ask her questions and be willing to share more of yourself with her.
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Embrace Listening to Understand
When you and your wife are communicating, it’s vital that you listen to hear and understand what she’s saying. That’s very different than listening so that you can respond appropriately or provide a solution to a problem. Part of your wife feeling known by you is feeling like you’ve heard what she said and that what she’s saying matters to you.
Also, know that listening can encompass more than just the words you’re hearing. Sometimes, it’s the words you’re not hearing from your wife that communicate the most. That’s when it’s time to ask more questions so that you can understand what she’s feeling, attempting to express or even, what she is avoiding.
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Embrace Emotion
I know our culture has taught men that feeling emotion is a sign of weakness. Because most men aren’t comfortable expressing emotion themselves, it makes sense that when your wife is expressing emotion, it might make you a little uncomfortable. Our culture taught women that their emotions make us uncomfortable, so we shame them for it by saying, “You’re so emotional.”
Expressing emotion is not only natural, but it’s also healthy. It is the way in which our thoughts and our experiences manifest within our bodies. Additionally, emotions are essential indicators for our lives, letting us know when something is good for us and when something is not good for us, based on how we feel. When we bottle up our emotions, the emotions don’t magically go away; they fester beneath the surface and then usually erupt as anger weeks or months later.
If your wife is expressing emotion—whether it’s positive or negative emotion—there’s information there for you. And when you can identify and express emotion with her, it lets her in and lets her know you more.
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We don’t get married just so that we won’t be alone. We get married because, as humans, we crave connection with one another and there is not another relationship that should feel more intimate or more connected than the one we have with our spouses. But the connection doesn’t magically happen, as though it’s something that’s bestowed upon some couples, but not others. Connection is cultivated—through better communication, remaining curious about and interested in our partners, through active listening and embracing emotion.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
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