After much thought and contemplation, Jason Rozek realized he is, in his heart, a monogamous person. And he’s ok with that.
After a lot of theorizing and soul-searching, I discovered something about myself that made me feel a surprising amount of disappointment; I’m monogamous.
I’ve never practiced non-monogamy in my relationships, but it always seems like something with which I could be comfortable. I’ve always had a fairly detached, cavalier attitude toward sex and have been successful at separating my emotions from my sex life. Theoretically, I could very easily see a successful relationship that allows for physical fulfillment outside the confines of my partner and me. I never saw myself as someone built for poly (maintaining relationships with more than one person seems impossibly tiring and complicated to me), but sexual non-monogamy? Sure. I’m an evolved, progressive person. Why should I let the constrictions of traditional relationships apply to me?
Well…it turns out “in theory” doesn’t always translate to “in practice.”
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Let me complicate things for a minute. I’m a queer man who’s considered himself gay until recently. My partner is a pansexual woman who is somewhat female-leaning in terms of attraction. We’re very much in love and, in spite of what the previous may indicate, attracted to one another. We choose to be with one another because of that love, though that does leave our sexuality in a precarious place sometimes. It seemed to me that sexual non-monogamy would be an excellent topic to discuss in order to ensure we share our lives productively while maintaining our own needs.
After much discussion, we determined that neither of us are interested in stepping outside of our relationship for sex at this time, but we both acknowledged how it could potentially be something one or both of us might want in the future. There might come a day when I miss the hard, fast, frenetic experience of sex with men. Similarly, she might crave the sensuality and softness of a woman’s touch. It seemed so simple to leave that door cracked open for the future. When the time comes, we’ll talk about it. Easy.
…okay, it wasn’t so easy.
It turns out I’ve been kidding myself on this. With all of the openness and progressive evolution I espouse, I feel somehow beholden to non-monogamy being an option for me, as though I should somehow be “above” monogamy. Beyond that, I also hold a lot of guilt in my relationship. Despite my partner’s insistence otherwise, I always feel as though I’m holding her back from some sort of “ideal” sex life she could have with a woman. I fought hard to ensure I could envision and accept a future in which our love and commitment is intact, but she is able to find that ideal elsewhere. The more real it became to me as an eventuality, though, the more I realized it wasn’t for me.
With all of the openness and progressive evolution I espouse, I feel somehow beholden to non-monogamy being an option for me, as though I should somehow be “above” monogamy.
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Why did I find this disappointing? Why did I feel like I’ve somehow failed my own progressive values? Traditional relationships? Ha! I’m a five on the Kinsey scale and with a woman—there is nothing traditional happening here. Why shouldn’t I be open to opening our relationship? This should be so simple!
As it turns out, monogamous is simply who I am. It’s as much a part of my identity as anything else. This whole time, I’ve been so concerned with being properly progressive and ensuring my partner has an outlet (one she in no way wants or needs right now by her own admission) that I wasn’t able to see my own feelings. Sure, sometimes I miss sex with men. I enjoyed it. I still like thinking about it; however, when I think about my relationship and my sex life, I see all of it with just that one person. I think, “sexual fulfillment is important to me,” but it turns out I want that fulfillment from just my partner. And don’t get me wrong—sex with her is, indeed, fulfilling.
As it turns out, monogamous is simply who I am. It’s as much a part of my identity as anything else.
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I explained this to her and she was okay closing that window I’d forced us to crack open. “I told you I’m not interested in opening the relationship,” she said.
“Well, sure. Not now, but we both said that might change in the future.”
“Anything could change in the future, but that doesn’t mean it will.” Touche.
With that, we set the topic aside. We’re both uniquely aware of how fluid identities can be, but we’re also both secure and happy knowing that monogamy is something we value. We also still know that if our outlooks change, the other party is willing to have a discussion. In the meantime, though, we’ve stopped looking toward the hypothetical future and are enjoying the trajectory we’re on in a relationship involving only us.
Polyamourous and non-monogamous relationships are wonderful. I’m always very impressed by the work and openness that’s required and have great respect for people who are successful in them.
All the same, I’ve gained some perspective in realizing those relationship models are not for me. I’m monogamous and that’s okay.
—Photo Tim Green/Flickr
Also by Jason Rozek:
It Turns Out My Partner is a Woman. So What Does That Make Me?
Experiencing a Parallel Transition from Inside the Closet
How My Partner’s Transition Gave Me a Schlubby Ape-Man Complex
My experience with this was much more difficult and painful, but in the end I came to the same conclusion. I rather think that romantic exclusivity (or lack thereof) is an entirely separate spectrum of sexual orientation. Much like the Kinsey scale, it isn’t about right or wrong or progressive. It’s just one more facet of our incredibly complex sexuality.
These days, being monogamous IS being progressive. Why shouldn’t that be ok?
I was dating a guy recently who spoke about polyamory as somehow more ‘evolved’ than monogamy. It really caused me to doubt myself. Unfortunately, he seemed to be using duplicity to get with women, and using polyamory to justify his own actions to himself. I’m sure that that would make most people from the poly community shudder. Seems to me that poly relationships involve MORE open and honest communication, not less. I myself am wired for monogamy, because it appeals to me. I also understand that polyamory can be wonderful and fulfilling for the people who are so inclined. Who… Read more »
As a poly person, I’m glad to see people speaking out for monogamy. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen people “try to be poly ” or “try to be open-relationship” to please someone or meet what they think are social expectations. Being monogamous or closed-relationship doesn’t make you better or worse. It makes you, um, monogamous or closed-relationship. Why people can’t get that I have no idea.
Me too!, so happy to hear someone else say it..:)