I’m Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

“I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” A mentor of mine said this to me when I was in college. Quite frequently.

Just last month, I texted him to say, “ I’m not sick and tired anymore.” It was true! I had had an amazing few work months. I was able to come back to the feeling of enoughness and meet goals for myself in the new freelance writing path I had carved out without feeling like I was chasing after something constantly, be it more assignments, more money, or more stable work.

Fast-forward to today. I’ve found out that the cost to re-align the bumper on a car I tapped trying to park(not one of my strong suits) is much higher than I thought it would be and I have RSV( or some other upper respiratory virus).

I am no longer operating from a place of abundance anymore. I’m scared of not having enough, of not being enough- a deeply rooted fear that is likely generations old.

I’m afraid of how other people perceive me as a 24-year-old who doesn’t fully cover her living expenses and is just barely making it, tenuously balancing planning for the future and staying in the present.

And today, something just snapped in me. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Of feeling afraid. There is so much that is out of my control, but today, I’m okay. And tomorrow. And next month.

I choose to trust.

Maybe in some greater power of universe, spirit, what have you- but also in myself. I choose me. Every time. I chose myself when I left the medical school path and when I left every job that made me unhappy.

When we believe in our ability to show up for ourselves, I think life can become whatever we so choose. It may be the slowest, most arduous journey to accomplish a dream- but luckily the joy is in the journey. The whole of our experiences belong.

As I’ve written this, I’ve found out that my insurance policy has a 1st accident claim forgiveness and I just landed a client.

I was watching Emily in Paris over lunch- I needed a break in mind, body, and spirit. And I learned that the French have a saying, “ fall back to jump ahead.”

Let go, release tension, step away and watch the magic happen. Trust.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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