I’m Too Tired To Be Anything but Heterosexual

Since the announcement of my divorce a few years ago, life has thrown some definite curve balls. But it has also been pleasantly revelatory in the attraction department.

As a white heterosexual female, I had never considered what it might be like to be with a woman. So, when my first sweet invitation came, I was not, in any way, prepared.

It came from a younger woman, a dear friend. I had loved her as a dear friend for some time, but as I was still married-although it was to end soon-I hadn’t really moved on in that way.

I got the text, read and re-read it. I felt so many feels: seen, loved, flattered, curious, and a little anxious.

I knew I needed to answer her quickly and in a way that was honest, whatever that was. My first inclination was to say, “Thank you so much. I do love you so much, but not like that.” But it was far too sincere to put a cap on it that quickly.

I decided to “try it out”, which meant “do a thought experiment”. As my now-ex was still living with us, and I had four children present as well, it was not the time to just throw myself into some “alternative” (for me) lifestyle just to see how it felt.

For days, between home chores, work, and school, I would daydream a bit…what it would be like to kiss a girl, be touched by a girl, be partnered with a girl. It all sounded and still sounds wonderful. Did that mean I’d never have to deal with men’s bullshit anymore? Did that mean I wouldn’t have to worry about my partner looking and desiring something that I wasn’t? Did that mean more pleasure and a better connection with the intimacy I knew I was longing for?

As I daydreamed, it became clear that I had no problem with the idea of being with a woman. But, as a mom, it’s not all about me.

The thought experiment went further…What would it be like to introduce “her” to my children? What would it be like to introduce her to my parents and siblings, my thousand nephews and nieces? How long would it be before any of them would be not even accept, but just be okay with her as my lover?

That’s where it became a full stop. It was not reasonable to do that to them. I realized that Glennon and Abby worked out in the end, but that is so far from my family and friend culture, I could not even finish the thought experiment.

It made me feel tired just thinking about how devastated I would feel to be held as so “different”. It made me tired thinking of all of the work it would take with my children to re-stabilize them after I made such a leap. It made me tired as I imagined my mom’s face, her grief and her confusion.

I realized in that moment that I am not an individualist. I am a communalist. Yes, I want to be happy. Yes, I want to live an authentic life. But not at the price of the happiness of those I love; not at the price of those who trust me and need me. It is far too great a price to pay for what I think I want.

I can want other things. I am not a lesbian. If I were, I could not live this life authentically. I can want to be with a man. As grateful as I am that I don’t have to work out these problems, I feel deeply for those hurt by our culture of “othering”.

I will heal from my traumas around my marriage in time. But as I heal, I want to continue to delve into who I truly am at my core, and who I truly am is tired.

After spending 25 plus years trying to make a life with a man who would never be happy, defending him to our friends and family when he would say stupid-ass shit, and caring for every need of his children, I am tired.

I will never do that again and I will find a way to peace and attempt to remain there. And as much as I think partnering with a woman would be simpler and tend toward more equality, this is not a battle I can see myself enduring any time soon.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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