A few years ago, I was at a crossroads. My marriage was ending, and I’d spent all of my time in recent years with my wife, trying to work it out. It didn’t happen, and I found myself without many close friends anymore. Turns out, that happens when you retreat from all other relationships in an attempt to save one.
I needed a few good people in my life as I began to move forward. My family and my remaining close friends from earlier in life lived far away and, since coming to Denver, I’d been so focused on my marriage and career that my social circle was small. From this experience, and the process of reintroducing myself to the world, I learned that there are two key types of people that you need in your life; the kind of people that should comprise a majority of your relationships.
#1 — People who have fought fiercely for something.
One of the first overtures I made to the outside world was to join a running club. Each Tuesday evening, this group ran around a large park in Denver and went out for microbrews afterward. Having been a runner for a long time, I felt a natural draw toward something like this. As I got to know these people, I heard them talk about the grueling experience of marathon training, pushing themselves into the rain or snow when a warm bed was more inviting, or setting an alarm for 4:30 am to squeeze in a few miles before work. These people enjoyed running, but to become better they pushed themselves when it would have been much easier not to. This allowed them to keep pace in races and increase mileage. They fought to achieve goals.
It doesn’t have to be running; it doesn’t even have to be fitness-related. It can be the man with dyslexia who still managed to graduate from college, or the pianist who trained her ear through long nights at the keyboard. Or it’s the guy who ran for school board and gave it his all…and lost. The point is putting your heart into something and taking a risk that involves pushing the boundaries of who you are into who you might become.
As a result of their experiences, these people gain a deeper self understanding and a respect for the potential within themselves and others. If the book of Proverbs is correct, and “iron sharpens iron” then I want people like this in my life to challenge me to keep fighting too by their example.
#2 — People who are aware that the world can be grim, yet choose to be happy.
To be clear, I’m not talking about the Pollyannas of the world. I’m talking about people who are in touch with the realities of what life can bring, yet aren’t overcome with bitterness. Many of my closest friends have suffered through an agonizing break-up or divorce, lost a close family member at an early age, been laid off, struggled with a personal health crisis or experienced some other agonizing period(s) in their life. They don’t allow it to define them, but they also accept it for what it was, learn from it, process it, and choose to grow. They are people who still believe in the potential of their lives and in others. And because they know what it is like to feel REAL pain; have struggled yet chosen to embrace what is good, they have an appreciation for not taking the days for granted. They understand how to rejoice in what is positive…and the need to be real with themselves when things are not.
Life often is not easy…but it isn’t always hard, either. These folks understand that. They know how to be supportive and aren’t afraid of difficult conversations when someone is hurting…the conversations that others have been brave enough to have with them.
I think of a close friend who has experienced almost every type of hurt imaginable. I asked him once how he maintained a positive attitude. He said that to live an authentic life, you have to be open to whatever kind of day you find…that many days he feels ready to take on the world…and other days involve photos of bygone times, a few beers and more than a few tears. His grace has helped me be more authentic in my own life, and I know it has inspired others to do the same.
Motivational speaker Jim Rohn says that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. I’ve learned that people who’ve fought fiercely for something and people who understand how grim the world can be yet still choose happiness often encourage you to be a better and more self-actualized person and generally are stable, wise individuals. And couldn’t we all use a little extra stability and wisdom in our lives?
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