We all lie. Whether we admit it or not.
For most of us, lying has become so common we do it without even thinking. I’m not talking about big lies, the kinds of things that could have catastrophic consequences, even though those happen all the time too. I’m talking about the little lies, the ones we rattle off all the time, never giving them a second thought.
Most of us tell little lies when we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, when we’re protecting someone, or when we’re feeling boastful. No harm done, right?
Well, when it comes to relationships, if you’re a frequent liar you might be causing more damage than you’d like to think. Then again, maybe you’re just continuing a trend of light-hearted deception that’s done no significant harm thus far.
But is it ever right to lie to your partner? To be intentionally deceitful knowing you’re not giving an honest account?
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The reasons we lie to our partners
While people lie for an endless amount of reasons, in relationships it usually boils down to one of the following:
- Avoiding hurting your partner’s feelings
- Avoiding arguments or confrontation
- Covering the tracks of a bad deed
- Looking more impressive than is the case
- Putting off the inevitable
Interestingly, there seems to be a relative balance between positive and negative reasoning here.
For example, lying to keep your partner feeling good about themselves and to not hurt their feelings is a kind yet dishonest thing to do.
Whereas covering the tracks of a bad deed — let’s say, for example, an affair — undoubtedly falls on the evil side of things.
However, what strikes me is just how far people will go to justify their own misdeeds and transform them into positives within their own warped ideology.
I once knew a man who confessed to me he’d had an affair with someone he worked with. I asked him whether or not he was going to be honest with his wife about it. His response tried to make sense of what was clearly an awful thing to do:
“I can’t tell her, it would break her heart. I couldn’t hurt her like that!”
There was great irony in the fact that a man who had spent the previous few months cheating on his wife was now saying he couldn’t hurt her. But I kept my lips tied on the matter, the decision was up to him.
(She ultimately found out about the affair and kicked him out. Rightfully so.)
This is clearly miles away from telling a simple white lie about someone’s appearance, to spare their feelings. But there are still parallels to be found between the two scenarios.
One is far more hurtful than the other. But does that relieve any of the guilt of telling a lie in the first place? Sin is sin, right?
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The psychology behind lies in a relationship
If we can understand why so many of us tell lies in our relationships, it might ease the burden of stamping them out altogether, if that’s what we choose to do.
In an article featured in Psychology Today, Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D. opens up on the mental steps certain liars will take to maintain their deception and the consequences of such thinking:
“Research shows that small lies make it easier to tell bigger lies… Lies often start as self-preservation but generally turn to self-destruction. It is common to think that the consequences of telling the truth outweigh the risk of telling a lie, but even when you don’t get caught, a lie often damages the relationship.”
But while looking at lying through the lens of the potential damage it may cause to the ‘victim’ in question, the impact the lies hold on the perpetrator is often overlooked.
An analysis featured on A Conscious Rethink goes into detail on just how self-destructive lies can be on the liar:
“An often overlooked consequence of lying is that the perpetrator is also being untruthful to themselves. In attempting to conceal the truth from other people, they are refusing to reveal their genuine wants and desires to the world. In essence, they are denying their true identity and seeking to be someone that they are not.”
If this is the case, we could easily consider consistent lying to be the ultimate double-edged sword from a psychological standpoint; Ultimately annihilating any remaining honesty and trust between partners while suppressing the needs and wants of the deceptive party.
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The consequences of lying to your partner
Like the world’s most unwanted domino topple, lies (or, at least, the realization of lies) in a relationship almost uniformly lead to further negative emotions and actions we’d all rather live without. These include:
- Declining levels of trust between partners
- Increased ease of deception between partners
- A lack of physical attraction or desire for sexual intimacy
- Decreased feelings of empathy and understanding
But this is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s a good argument to be made that the consequences of lying in a relationship can ever truly be fully articulated, simply because the psychological and real-world ramifications can be so severe.
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Conclusions
There is no doubt lies are a potent poison. Like many poisons, they’re not without their seemingly innocent uses in certain scenarios.
But this does not relieve anything from the fact they’re a destructive force, primarily used for nefarious means.
While lying to your partner to protect their emotions is somewhat of a grey area, the act of the lie in itself, when continued, reinforces the notion that lies are acceptable regularly. Which may encourage lying on a grander scale further down the line.
In other words, lying is best avoided on an individual and continuous basis as much as possible, to maintain a healthy relationship.
When in doubt, take note of the advice of Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D. whom we spoke of earlier:
“Next time you are tempted to lie, instead tell the truth about why you want to lie: “I’m really afraid you will be upset with me, but here is what happened…”
“Telling the truth can have the opposite effect of lying. Instead of creating distance and inauthenticity, it creates trust and bonding, which is what most people genuinely want in their relationships.”
Be more upfront and honest about your emotions with your partner in the beginning and you’ll essentially be cutting the head off of the snake before the lie even has the chance to take flight.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Allef Vinicius on Unsplash