Adriana Zollo is fed up with ‘Man Up.’ Are you?
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The term “Man Up” has been something boys have been told consistently growing up when showing their vulnerable side. It essentially is telling boys or men that they have to be a specific way to make it in this world, and that their showing of weakness will strip them of their masculinity. Many boys are told this growing up from their peers or their family and they carry that expectation into their adulthood. Many men did not grow up in a family where they had a positive role model to show them the way to deal with their emotional world in a healthy way. All this makes“Man Up” a toxic phrase that suppresses men from being able to share their emotions without appearing “weak” to others. That phrase is meant to put boys in their place, and show them that being a “real man” is being armored, always strong, and aggressive. That is the limited range of emotions allowed for men to be respected. Now, a new Mary Kay campaign shows boys and men questioning that phrase and what being a man is to them.
The Mary Kay campaign, which came out shortly before Father’s Day, showcases men being interviewed and asked what the term “Man Up” means to them in their lives. These men are attempting to flip “Man Up” and cast a more positive light on what the phrase can convey. They share that “Man Up” to them means showing up for their wives, being emotionally intelligent, and treating women with respect. The evident purpose of the campaign is to transform “Man Up” into the descriptor of a more sensitive, respectful, compassionate, and considerate man.
But can the term “Man Up,” with its toxic tinge, be purified, or is it an outdated term that, even when shown in a positive light, will still encourage men to stay within the boundaries of traditional masculinity and police other men who try to escape? The phrase is already so ingrained in our culture that it may be best just to do away with it–to put “Man Up” down once and for all. Unless enough men get on board to recontextualize the term, most men will still not understand that “Man Up” now means they are safe in showing their emotions and sharing their vulnerable and loving side.
Another issue I have with the Mary Kay campaign—and that I suspect others may have as well–is the consistent underlying message in our culture and our PSAs that men are always the abusers and women are always the victims. While the percentages are not equal, significant numbers of men suffer abuse at the hands of both men and women, but male survivors are still predominantly silent and stigmatized with shame. They also do not enjoy the resources and social services now available for abused women. A man who comes out to his friends or family about being hurt or abused will likely be told to, you guessed it, “Man Up.” While the Mary Kay campaign correctly addresses the issue of women as abuse victims, it excludes men—an unfortunate omission given that the campaign is intended to help men get out from under the destructive stereotypes associated with toxic masculinity.
The end of the campaign shows all of the men saying that it is time to “Man Up” and be more accepting of their humanity and fragility. But the conclusion would have been much more effective if, instead of having all the men say “Man Up” in a masculine tone of voice with straight and serious faces, it had shown them in a softer, more emotional context. I think it’s time we dispense with “Man Up” and stop using trite terminology to define what it means to be human.
Photo—Mary Kay/YouTube
Adriana, thank you so much for this article that actually includes male survivors and mentions some of the challenges we face. I agree with you about the need to drop and purge the term “man up”. I’ve hated it all of my life, as it used to be something that was said to me after I was trying to cope with and survive being abused. My abusers (when I was a child and later as an adult) were both men and women. I believe most notions of the “man box” need to be abandoned – man up is only one… Read more »
Man up will always be needed until there is no more domestic violence against women, no more side piece or side chicks, no more women abandoned by their men once they become pregnant and more men willing to help raise the kids they create. In a word: ALWAYS!
So you’d rather try to back a damaged message than trying a message that might get through?
Whenever I see someone claiming that they are reclaiming or doing something useful with “man up” I get suspicious. That phrase plain and simple is used for the sole purpose of controlling the behavior of men by shaming them into conforming to ultimately someone else’s idea of what a “real man” is supposed to be. Even that Mary Kay campaign is guilty of it. It starts off all innocent and leads you to think that its about to open things up for guys to be their full selves and what do get by the end? We get MORE of the… Read more »
I wouldn’t trust anyone claiming to purify the phrase. It is a control phrase, and even someone supposedly claiming to reform it could still be using it to control you, just for different ends.
*cough*