If I told you that I’m a stay-at-home dad, and you saw my tattoos and light beard, what would you assume about me?
Maybe I’m unemployed? Lazy? My daughter just watches TV all day?
Would you ever assume that I’ve given my daughter all (except 3) of her baths since she was born? That I brush her hair every day? Make sure she brushes her teeth twice a day?
Would you guess that I play and pretend with her? That we have silly games that only she and I play?
If you know me or have seen me with my daughter a couple times, maybe you would guess this. But most people would not.
Our Assumptions
When we meet other parents, we assume things about them. It’s how the human brain developed. It works to save time. But generally, we would guess that a child’s mother is more involved. We assume dad likely does less, for whatever reason.
What if we never learn we are wrong about what we assume about other parents? Or our assumptions about gender roles?
There’s a lot of negative assumptions about fatherhood. It’s more widespread and ingrained than you’d think, and with all the tolerance we have for other people’s differences, why can’t we get past these assumptions?
Many people subconsciously judge dads. We don’t realize how much differently we think of them. There are dozens of examples of dads on TV who are incompetent and selfish. They are portrayed as overly permissive and inattentive. And yeah, it’s hilarious on TV. But it seems society has taken this to heart, and people translate this to real-life fathers. A quick search online reveals that I’m not the only father who’s noticed this.
When it comes to stay-at-home dads, it’s worse. They are alienated by most of the stay-at-home moms in parenting groups they participate in. Other parents make assumptions about how SAHDs parent their kids.
Stay-at-Home Moms look for advice from other SAHMs, assuming that a SAHD couldn’t possibly offer parenting advice of the same caliber as a mother.
“The kids must have it easy with dad.”
“No rules, dad’s home!”
Wrong.
Real Dads are Real Men
Real fathers who are involved in their children’s lives are just as competent as their mothers. If the dad works, he is there for his kids as soon as he gets home. If he’s a stay/work-at-home parent, guess what? He’s there 24/7 for his kids.
He’s there to change diapers and put them down for a nap. Dad’s play, and comfort them if they’re not feeling well or got hurt. He’s involved in their nutrition, and knows their favorite foods. He knows their favorite games, favorite toys, and favorite songs. He’s heavily involved in every facet of their lives, just like moms are.
Men are not typically portrayed as nurturing or gentle. Doesn’t mean we can’t be.
All I’m Saying Is…
I’m sure we all know a dad who could do better and be more involved in raising their kids. The thing is, we’ve all met a mom like that too. It’s not limited to only dads. Good parenting and proper care are not gender-specific.
Generally, when you see a mother with her child, you assume she’s a great mother until you see something that convinces you to think otherwise. All I’m saying is:
Next time you see a dad, try thinking the same way.
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A version of this post was previously published on Andrewak and is republished here with permission from the author.
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