Have you ever paid attention to the lyrics of ANY Maroon 5 song?
And if so, is there any wonder why our popular notions of love are so skewed?
Ever since my wife threw “Payphone” into my Spotify playlist, I’ve been served a good amount of Maroon 5 and oh my, it’s quite shocking how much we mistake dopamine love for authentic love in our culture.
Let me explain.
The Greeks believed there were 8 different types of love. I was taught early on that there were three — Philia, Eros, Agape — but recently learned of the 5 other types of love according to the Greeks…and wow are they revealing.
Here’s the full list of the 8 types of love with a quick summary of each:
Agape: selfless love for others, particularly a community, also known as universal or the love of God.
Philia: love between friends.
Eros: romantic, physical love, or lust.
Storge: familial love.
Philautia: self-love, or self-care.
Pragma: long-standing love is a blessing often reserved for spouses.
Ludus: playful, casual love.
Mania: obsessive love.
I left the best for last because, somewhat fittingly, most of the love that’s portrayed in modern music, film and television is Mania love.
Mania forms the core of the word “Maniac” and is a love based purely on seeking, finding, and getting. It’s a dopamine hit that fills the body with a tingly feeling from head to toe.
It feels like that first sip of alcohol or the warm rush when you see someone attractive.
Mania is a love based on possession and not surprisingly is a love that’s solely about oneself — the most internalized form of love on the list.
What do I mean by that?
Mania love exists solely within the individual and is not exchanged with anyone else.
It seeks possession and fulfillment for the self and is not about the enrichment or the giving to others.
Philautia is self love, but self love for the purpose of taking care of oneself so that you can serve and fulfill the lives of others. Philautia is work done to love and care for oneself SO THAT you can love and care for others.
Mania sits on its own, on an island of obsession and dopamine spikes that seek to only fulfill one’s own urges and desires.
We hear about Mania love all too often in all forms of pop-culture.
Let’s go back to our friends in Maroon5 and any number of their song lyrics:
Nobody’s Love
“You’re the only hand in my back pocket
If you ever left, I’d go psychotic
Heaven, hear me cryin’, cryin’
(Ooh, ooh, ooh)
Baby, you’re the key to my heart locket
If you ever left, never unlock it
Lonely like an island, island”
Psychotic? Lonely island?
And then…
“If my love ain’t your love
It’s never gonna be nobody’s love
Never gonna need nobody’s love but yours (but yours)”
Need I say more?
Nothing Lasts Forever
“It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both
I’ve tried and tried to let you know
I love you, but I’m letting go
It may not last, but I don’t know
I just don’t know”
And pretty much every song on “Songs About Jane” because the album is clearly about a breakup of obsessive love.
This Love:
“I was so high I did not recognize
The fire burning in her eyes
The chaos that controlled my mind
Whispered goodbye as she got on a plane
Never to return again
But always in my heart
This love has taken it’s toll on me
She said goodbye too many times before
And her heart is breaking in front of me
And I have no choice
’Cause I won’t say goodbye anymore”
Through With You:
“As you lay in bed thinking about everything
That you did not do? ’Cause saying “I love you”
Has nothing to do with meaning it
Oh, oh, oh
And I don’t trust you ’cause every time you’re here
Your intentions are unclear, I spend every hour waiting
For a phone call that I know will never come
I used to think you were the one, now I’m sick of thinking anything at all”
And the hits go on an on…
So why am I writing this, who cares anyway?
It’s deeply important that we realize ALL aspects of love as they exist and don’t jut pigeon-hole love into one small angle.
We know that Hollywood and Madison Avenue will serve us addictive content and the image of love spoon fed to us via these channels does not form the true picture of love.
Love is not linear.
Love is not one-dimensional.
The Greeks gave us a context for mapping out all aspects of love so that we can see ALL of the different forms of love around us and not mistake addictive or obsessive love for the full picture of love.
Most importantly, love is not about oneself and the fulfillment of one’s desires. Of course that form of love does exist, but according to my math, it’s only 12.5% of the kinds of love that are out there.
Don’t let Maroon 5 tell you any differently!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Alex Gallegos On Unsplash
