“Is This How You Would Address a Tall Man?” Calling Out Sexism in the Workplace Won’t Win You Employee of the Month

I’m looking up from my desk at a waggling finger. I’m trying to process what I’m seeing. I follow the waggling finger to its owner, the man leaning across the desk as if to invade my personal space. The furrow between my eyebrows gets deeper as I try to dissect this interaction. Is a man, my work superior, waggling a finger in my face and leaning over my desk in an intimidating way?

Let’s pause right here.

Once upon a time, this might have had me cowering and immediately shrinking in my seat. I might even have been so emotional about the interaction that I would have cried. I would certainly have apologized for whatever public dressing down I was getting. I would have been so triggered by my past history of trauma that I wouldn’t have asked myself if this was an appropriate interaction at work.

That was the me before trauma therapy, the me before EMDR (a therapeutic technique I highly recommend for trauma, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). The me of that day is offended by the treatment, knows it’s inappropriate, and sees it for what it is: overt sexism in the workplace.

Let’s return to the scene.

The waggling finger has withdrawn, and although he’s no longer leaning, I can see a vein bulging from his forehead, a familiar look to any of us who grew up with angry men in our lives. He’s waiting for me to apologize, to prostrate myself in fear and sorrow for what I have done (or what he thinks I have done). I won’t even go into the why of it, as it is too ridiculous to merit a memo, much less a full dressing down.

“If I was a six-foot-tall man with a beard, would you speak to me this way?”

I said the quiet part out loud. The thing we, as women, are never supposed to say. Cue the shock followed by a stuttering protest that this person is not sexist, all evidence to the contrary. How dare I!

I can tell he believes that he is not, in fact, sexist. He has women in his life he loves and respects. He thinks he’s a good person. He doesn’t want to see that how he treats women at work might not show him to be a non-sexist person. And I’ve just said it out loud.

But picture this scenario:

A tall man, perhaps a tall and bearded man, is sitting there at his desk working. Would he get the same public dressing down over a minor issue that was more misunderstanding than intentional wrongdoing? Would he get the same waggled finger in his face or intimidating body language from the man of average height? I don’t think so.

I don’t even think the small issue would have been an issue. I think it would have been dismissed entirely, never resulting in a conversation at all, or addressed in a simple inquiry with no heat to the encounter. But I am a woman who did not do what he thought I should, even if he doesn’t stop to ask me for my reasoning or what other options I’d suggested to address the issue at hand.

Our culture says: Man assertive, woman aggressive

I’m 5’3″ tall and a woman. When I speak directly, I’m strident and condescending (read: “bitch”), but when the tall man speaks in a no-nonsense way, he is an assertive leader, capable of taking charge and speaking up when he has ideas to share.

I’m a harpy. He’s a good candidate for a promotion.

I’m on the chopping block. He’s employee of the month.

Our culture says that a man who is assertive is being a strong leader. A woman who is being assertive isn’t assertive at all; she’s aggressive or a nag or confrontational or condescending. A woman has to coat all her statements in niceties or she is considered the opposite of nice, no matter how calm her voice might be while speaking. He can speak in any tone at all. She has to pour sugar on hers.

We cannot change a culture when we play along with these rules. Without confronting them, nothing changes. The sexist boss keeps thinking he’s not sexist because no one is asking him to consider the scenario from a different perspective. Maybe he won’t consider it no matter what we say, but I am not sweetening my words with honey when direct communication is appropriate.

When sexism meets neurotypical ignorance

I am told plainly that I am condescending for suggesting a different and more cost-effective way of doing something. I offer the suggestion after being told that the budget is problematic, and I don’t get any gratitude for it. Rather, I am told that I am condescending for saying that there might be a better way for a process than what they have considered before. Even though I said it in the same tone I would have used to say, “Good morning. How was your weekend?”

“Have you considered that this is an issue of neurodivergence?”

Again, I’ve said the quiet part aloud, the thing that we aren’t supposed to do. Seeing the puzzled look, I explain that I’ve always communicated directly. If I were a man, this would be accepted and even appreciated, if not applauded. But as a woman, it is taken as aggressive communication no matter how plainly I’ve said what I have to say. There is no bad attitude in my tone, and yet my words are interpreted as causing offense.

Once again, instead of discussing neurotypical versus neurodivergent communication, everything grinds to a halt while he stutters defensively about sexism and how it doesn’t relate to him. But once again, we’re not discussing the matter at hand anymore because we’re all having to stop and deal with his fragile male ego that smarts at the idea of not being as egalitarian as he believes himself to be. He will walk away from this interaction with no better understanding of neurodiversity, and I will walk away from it disappointed that my attempt to be helpful was treated like an attack versus an opportunity.

Why I’m never employee of the month

I’ve yet to meet an employer who wouldn’t admit that I am a hard worker, one who excels in nearly everything I do. But that hasn’t always meant accolades for my work. Oftentimes, I’ve been the target of misogyny in the workplace for addressing issues that absolutely required addressing.

For instance, in a corporate job for a Fortune 500 company, I once reported a subordinate for her continued harassment. I’d reported to all my superiors. I’d taken it to HR. The harassment continued and even escalated publicly. It made a good workplace turn into a hostile one, all because one woman was mad that I received a promotion she hadn’t wanted or applied for. She simply felt I was too young to receive it, despite the fact that most of her superiors were far younger than she was.

From that point forward, every single performance review cited that I had a problem with “conflict management,” even though I had addressed her directly multiple times before going up the chain of command in the way I was told to do repeatedly. My annual performance reviews, which impacted my annual raise, were hurt by this commentary for years to come.

Interestingly enough, when this colleague harassed a male contemporary of mine in the exact same way, her employment was terminated, and he was viewed as the victim. He didn’t get a permanent note to his file that he struggled to manage conflict. He had the problem removed from the workplace.

She’d harassed many women before turning her attention to this one man. The women were seen as bringing drama into the workplace. We were just being hysterical about the issue. But a man bringing it up? Well, it was serious and required immediate dismissal of the problematic person.

Sexism is alive and well, and every single time we bend to it, we’re helping it stay that way. I may not be anyone’s employee of the month, but I work hard, care about the quality of the work I do, and genuinely try to make things better whenever I can. What I won’t do is sweeten up every statement out of my mouth to appeal to some man’s ego or pretend problems don’t exist because I’m just supposed to allow harassment, lest I be seen as the one with an issue.

Working women smash the patriarchy

Lately, I haven’t spent much time thinking about how to be seen as assertive rather than aggressive at work. I don’t have to. I am part of an all-woman workplace, and even internalized misogyny hasn’t shown its ugly face around these parts. I just get to exist and to share ideas without being told that I need to sweeten up my tone to be heard or respected.

For a long time, I was trying to be a good girl. I wanted to be seen as good, a good worker and a good woman. Now, I just want to do my job well and to be treated well in the workplace. If someone wants to find direct communication aggressive, I’d ask them this: Would it be aggressive if I were a tall man? Is it only aggressive because it’s from a woman of diminutive stature but strong opinions?

I’m not trying to be cute. Or funny. Or smart. I’m curious. Would it be interpreted the same?

I know it wouldn’t be because I’ve watched as the same man who waggled the finger shushed me in a meeting to hand the floor over to another man, who went on at length despite the “hurry” we were in to wrap things up when I was speaking. I know it wouldn’t be because I watched men climb the ladder who spoke with equal directness while I was told that I needed more experience than they did to achieve the same upward mobility. I know that a man can get away with saying what he wants, and a woman needs to be seen as “nice” to be acknowledged, promoted, or even to become President.

But I’m okay with not being seen as nice. The patriarchy won’t fall because we’ve spoken to it sweetly and patted it on the head for doing the mediocre minimum. It will fall because we smash it, because we challenge a status quo that is deeply problematic. It won’t make us employee of the month, but it might clear the way for future women workers to speak clearly in meetings without being hanged as a witch for refusing to mince her words.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.