Maybe you’ve been on a couple of dates and aren’t quite sure where the two of you are headed. Maybe you’re single and crushing, wondering if the guy you’ve been eyeing is interested in you too.
You really like him, and you hope to God the positive signals you think he’s sending are accurate.
I mean, that extra minute of eye contact you had before you left the restaurant was a sign he felt chemistry too, right? When he asked you three times if you were coming to the party, that means he really wants you there, right? What about the fact that he compliments your eyes or waits for you to pack up at the end of the day so you can leave work together?
All good signs, right?
For you, I certainly hope so.
However, many times in life, we see what we want to see, even if it isn’t the truth.
Psychologists call this tendency confirmation bias. Psychology Today elaborates on this term, defining it as “our tendency to pay closer attention to evidence and arguments that support our own firmly held conclusions and to simply discount contradictory evidence.”
Now this bias doesn’t mean those signs you believe your crush is sending you are wrong. It just means you need to try and look at the situation more objectively.
The University of California, Merced offers valuable advice about lessening the effects of confirmation bias when determining attraction. They recommend the following things:
- Getting out of your “echo chamber” by asking opinions of those less emotionally invested in the situation
- Choosing to look for possibilities that your positive assumptions are incorrect
So here are some questions to ask yourself about your crush to help you discover whether your attraction is a two-way street or a dead-end road.
Is contact with your crush one-sided?
If you’re attracted to someone, you seek opportunities to connect with that person. For example, let’s say you’re interested in someone who frequents the same coffee shop as you. You go there every day hoping to get their attention, and you use your time in line to make small talk. However, if you’re the one initiating the conversation most of the time, chances are he’s not into you.
Another example is a co-worker crush. You know he has to walk by your office a thousand times a day, so you keep your door open in hopes he’ll stop in and say “hi” (or something even better).
But if he goes days without even checking in when he’s had such easy access to you, it’s a sign. And sadly, it’s not a good one.
The truth is if someone is attracted to you and wants to get to know you better, they’ll do one of two things:
- seek out moments when they’re more likely to get your attention
- create moments that put you into close contact with them
And if you’re doing these things and getting zero response back, it’s probably better to accept the reality your feelings aren’t reciprocated.
Is your crush dependable?
When I was young and single, if my crush asked me to tutor him or help him study for a big test, you could bet your bottom dollar I’d be there. I’d cancel a girl’s night out, a hair appointment, or a meeting with the President to increase the chances the study session would turn into something more exciting.
So if you and your crush make plans (even non-romantic ones), and they make a habit of canceling out, it’s a good sign his interests lie elsewhere.
And an even bigger sign of disinterest is when your crush forgets about events that would bring the two of you closer.
I mean, would you forget a friend’s party when you know that special someone will be there? Would it slip your mind that you and the person you’re fascinated with made plans to have a working lunch together? Would you forget to get tickets to the concert your crush said five times he’ll attend?
There’s not a chance in hell, is there?
Then understand that forgetting (or pretending to forget) is a pretty sure indicator he doesn’t return your feelings.
Is your crush sending out body language that shows your feelings aren’t mutual?
Body language is the subconscious at work. It’s your body’s way of speaking your inner feelings. So be on guard for physical signs that may indicate disinterest.
Paired Life lists the following face and body “tells” that hint at a lack of attraction.
- Avoiding eye contact and not facing someone when having a conversation
- Avoiding bodily contact
- Exhibiting closed-off body language (crossed arms or legs close together)
- Distancing themselves from you physically
The bottom line:
Kaliana Dietrich states:
“We are all attractive in our own ways; it just takes the right person to hold the mirror and convince us of what others already see.”
And if your crush forgot to bring his mirror for you to gaze into, maybe you should look for another person on whom to focus your affection.
Listen to me. Believe me.
You deserve to be noticed. You deserve a guy who goes to trivia night every Monday because they know you’ll be there. You deserve someone who’ll cancel their book club meeting, their best friend’s beer fest, or give up tickets to watch their favorite team play just be in the same room with you.
And don’t you dare settle for someone who makes you play FBI to find out their true feelings.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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