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Fathers, if you are looking for a blueprint for surviving fatherhood, good luck.
Yes, there are a lot of resources and materials available that provide you with a lot of information on how to be an effective father. I would encourage you to explore as some of the information is useful and will help to guide you as you tackle this demanding yet critical role.
If you are looking for a sure-fire, bulletproof blueprint describing what an invested father looks and acts like, there isn’t one.
It surely would be a lot easier if there were a detailed and straightforward instruction manual complete with pictures and directions. I could have benefitted from such a manual when our first child came along 35 years ago.
After two more children and now two grandchildren, I know I still could not write the “Good Fathering Manual.”
There is not a blueprint because each of us is different, our situations are different, and most importantly our children are different.
As Charles Swindoll writes, “ One may be creative; another practical. One may be out-going; another withdrawn. Whatever the case they’re all individuals. They were not created on the assembly line.”
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There is no cookie-cutter model of a father just as there are no cookie-cutter children.
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I would also suggest that fathers are also unique. Thankfully, just like our children, fathers, we are not all created on an assembly line. We are equally unique as our children. We are individuals with our own strengths and areas of interest. There is no cookie-cutter model of a father just as there are no cookie-cutter children.
The fact that there is no blueprint does not absolve you though. You have children and you have many responsibilities as a father. I would suspect that most fathers want to be there for their children but it is hard to navigate this difficult role.
Many fathers operate from a survival mode of fathering rather than a leadership mode. Trying to balance the responsibilities of a job with the responsibilities of fatherhood is taxing. Just getting through each day can be a challenge so sometimes surviving the day is all that you feel you can do. Never mind the things you need to do once you get home from your job.
A colleague of mine once said as we prepared to go home after a tough day at work, “Well Claudio, it’s now time to go home and do our real job.”
He was right. If you have children, being a father is your real job. Surviving fatherhood is necessary, but it is not enough. Being an effective and invested father means you have to take on a leadership role. Your children are looking for you to lead, and they need you to lead not just survive.
You may be wondering what you can do to look at fathering from a leadership perspective as well as a survival perspective. I don’t have all the answers but I would suggest you consider these:
Know yourself
You have to first spend time getting to know who you really are, what your strengths are, what your areas of growth are, what are your expectations for being a father are and what expectations you have for your children. You have to know yourself first before you can expect to shepherd and lead your children.
Know your children
Same as knowing yourself, you need to spend time getting to know your children, who they really are, what their strengths are, what excites them and what interests them. In order to shepherd, lead and engage with your children you have to know them first.
Demonstrate integrity
Your words and actions have to match. Your children need to see you as a father displaying strong character with integrity as a foundation. Without this the chances of your children seeing you as a trustworthy father may not be as strong as you might want.
Be there for your children
Be present and engage in the lives of your children by physically, emotionally and spiritually investing in their lives. Attentively listening, discussing and sharing with them signals you care and are interested in what is going on in their lives.
Love your children
Demonstrate care and compassion when needed and discipline when required. Your children need to know that you love them even when discipline is necessary. Discipline means “to learn” and discipline done with love will help your child learn.
Don’t do this by yourself
Start or join a father’s group or men’s group where you can share and discuss the successes and challenges of being a father. Many of the concerns you have will be similar to those experienced by other fathers. Knowing that you are not alone in dealing with the challenges helps.
Perhaps these suggestions will at least kick-start those of you who want to transition from just surviving to actually leading. And who knows, your efforts may end up getting us fathers closer to writing the “Good Fathering Manual.”
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Photo credit: Getty Images
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