That last hug felt like some kind of sick joke, followed by a wave of blazing anger.
This is not just simply my story. It’s the story of every person who has loved and lost before.
Photo by Anna Dovgan on Unsplash
We are fully 7 weeks apart now; it was my ex-girlfriend’s shocking call when she revealed that she’s been cheating on me again. This time around, she ensured that she told me straight. It was not some fancy ‘error’ it was a plan. But you know what? It annoys the living daylights out of me, and she had the cheek to tell me that it didn’t impact her loving me at all.
Can you believe that? Do yourself a favor and skip the rest of the story — it should be a human right to be able to mute a person the very moment she utters those words ‘I want to break up with you.’ Well, but humans are not laptops, are they, that you can turn off whenever you fancy doing it?
I texted her one last time: “Can you come over?” I then packed away all our pictures in a box and finally took a deep breath. This is it. It’s truly, truly over.
Welcome to the unfiltered and raw journey through the aftermath of a breakup. So, here’s what went down during the six weeks following our breakup. Our final breakup. The one that sealed the deal forever.
And let’s be clear. This is not just simply my story. It’s the story of every person who has loved and lost before.
Week 1: 60 Things That Make Me Feel Good
Of course, the most difficult thing at this point is not thinking about anything other than getting even, the hollow feeling within, or what might she be doing. The good thing with obsessive thought is that you can do it full-time; the bad thing is that you end up doing nothing else.
So, my homework the next day after the breakup was to write 60 things that make me feel good or that I’ve been wanting to do for some period. Type 60 things — it’s a lot. But it’s not! You should always be able to think of at least 60 things that make you feel good. Be fucking creative. Good thinking starts with chocolate. Ends with smiling. If you think about what makes you feel good and don’t over-analyze — because yes, chocolate can be bad if you have too much, blah blah blah — everything that makes you feel good can also hurt you. Like love. Haha. Write down 60 things. Go!
Week 2: Hey, just checking in to see how you’re doing.
You’re either the one who makes that innocent call or the one who gets called. Either way, you always want more. Sidenote: I’m a big fan of “block all channels.” Delete WhatsApp threads, call logs, and every screenshot of messages, because her number’s in there too. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, email. All of it. Doesn’t help anyone get over someone if you’re still reading status updates, or watching their Insta stories about their fabulous new life without you. Or, you know, sad “What have I done?
Some people need an open casket to see that the relationship is dead. Just make sure you don’t get buried along with it. But — yes, there’s a but — sometimes you need to talk one more time. Let out your feelings, and ask questions. It may help, even if it’s just to remind you why it’s over. And that’s okay. Sometimes a breakup is so abrupt that you need to call again just to be sure you didn’t imagine the other person and the relationship. It happens. But don’t do it too often, because you’re only hurting yourself. Reliving the breakup over and over.
Week 3: Dive into the next “whatever” Well, not quite.
Three weeks after a breakup, it’s good to go out again or reinstall Tinder or both, but it’s probably not the best time to start anything serious with anyone. Your ego can be pretty bruised, and suddenly you accept a drink from someone you have no attraction to just happy for the attention. Again Finally, you’re going through withdrawal and need to be aware of it. So before you get into anything, ask yourself: Would I be interested in this person under normal circumstances?
Or do I just want to dance and stagger home drunk with my friends?
Week 4: Alright, time to start fresh.
Maybe it’s time for a new haircut? A different hair color, perhaps? Or how about getting a piercing or a tattoo? Let’s focus on the hair for now. At least that can easily go back to how it was before. But everything else requires careful consideration. Okay, let’s be honest. I also got myself a tattoo. But something I’ve wanted for a while, and it’s a small one. So that’s that! Anyways, back then was a great time to do stupid things. It was an easy excuse.
Week 5: Relapses You’ve uninstalled Tinder again because “WHAT IS THE POINT ANYWAY?
“and you lie in bed, drunk, coming off a night out at the bar, at that most lonely hour of the night, around 1:30 AM. Oh, what’s this? A phone. What’s it doing in my hand? Ah yes. You can call people with it. Communicate. Hmh. That should be used. And here, in this one WhatsApp message, you once screenshotted a conversation. “Hey…” You were doing so well. Until now. For four weeks, you listened to yourself, reflected, didn’t call, and sorted out only the necessary things, and now you sit in your delirium, getting the same answers to the questions that weren’t asked. Maybe something changed. Maybe.
And then you wake up the next morning and come to realize: of course not.
If anything, all the more obvious now.
But don’t you worry? Nobody’s counting how many times you called them after the breakup, who ignored how many messages, and who blocked whom first. None is counting who moved on faster or who had more sex. There are no winners in the breakup Olympics; if anybody does it’s us. You only win freedom to find someone who truly deserves to love you, and that, my friend, is the best prize you could get.
Week 6: I’m the problem and that’s why I’ll never find anyone again!
Everything is your fault, you’re unlovable, and there’s a reason why no relationship has lasted. Welcome to the shittiest part after a breakup — the hole. Some people might deserve to be there, but most of them don’t. Suddenly you remember all the times you were unfair, mean, inconsiderate, too demanding, too clingy, too neglectful. And these moments are the reason that you’re unlovable and will never find anyone again. Whatever happened — whether you were the big asshole or went “psycho” or were undeservedly cheated on or got shit-canned normally — it doesn’t matter. The relationship is over. There’s nothing left to win and nothing left to lose. Beating yourself up all the time helps no one. Look inwardly, recognize your mistakes, be honest and kind. Accept them and promise to be better.
Or in other words: don’t repeat the same crap and everything will be ok.
At least different.
Week 7: “Walk out the door, you’re not welcome anymore!”
Before you can forgive the other person — you have to forgive yourself. The act of forgiveness doesn’t mean you agree with what the other person or you did. It just means that you allow it to be over. You close the door. You don’t have to wish them well if it feels wrong. She shrugged. If you still feel like seeking revenge, I’ll throw some ugly things out the window with you.
But, in the future, when it’s just a gesture, and that great anger is gone, and the calm from inside you returns, it’s nice to erase, with a marker, that hate message that you wrote on the whiteboard, and see: It’s over. And that it’s much better this way.
How are you coping with break-ups? Or simply with your memories of good, old, and sweet times? Let me know in the comments.
Cheers,
Ben
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Anna Dovgan on Unsplash
