It’s a natural hu-man instinct to want to have our cake and to eat it. But when it’s the cake of commitment, and we have a partner who thinks that we’re ready to build a long-term relationship with them, it needs to be more a case of “sh*t or get off the pot” (as we say in Wales). Because sitting on the fence about this gets in the way of creating the fertile ground for your relationship to deepen and flower.
The fruits of commitment, such as a deepening of trust and the special kind of connection that comes with that, are ample compensation for letting go of being as independent as when we were single. And as we get older, most of us realise that this freedom is actually a nostalgic fantasy that’s not connected to the reality. Because being footloose and fancy-free also means being on your own, and if that’s really what you want, why be in a relationship? But even more important, if you’re not sharing any doubts you may have with a partner who trusts your intentions to grow a deeper relationship with her, you should say your goodbyes and exit her life pronto so she has the time and space to meet a man she can trust and who is mature enough to know what he wants.
Being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean giving up all your independence. On the contrary, it’s finding a balance between ‘me’ and ‘we’ that works well for both of you (a level of ‘interdependence’) that helps your relationship put down roots and thrive. And if you can’t find a mutually acceptable, it’s best to wish each other well and move on, because an incompatibility around this is one of the main reasons that a relationship can run into trouble
Of course, most of us also want limits on the kind of freedom that we’d be happy for our partner to have – no sleeping around, for example. And please don’t imagine that you could get away with doing that by lying to your partner. If you try it, one of two very bad things is certain to happen (and I speak from painful personal experience). Either (most likely) she will find out, be devastated and kick you out – which means you’ll have a nasty combination of guilt and loss to digest. And even if she doesn’t, the knowledge that you’re living a lie will sabotage your self-respect, as well as the trust in your relationship, as you realise you are the cause of (at least) two disappointed and unhappy women.
As we grow up, most of us recognise the benefits that come from being clearer about what we actually want and need, including letting go of a lifestyle that’s not right for us any more. Yes, there are Peter Pans out there who go through their lives with the mindset, if not the physiques, of perpetual teenagers but the ones that I’ve met are pretty unhappy individuals who for some reason don’t feel able to fulfil their potential as men and usually end up alone and full of regrets.
I found that when I was ready to get on board the ship of commitment with my partner, we were able to sail together on the kind of deeper emotional journey that was only possible when both of us had the sweet confidence that, if we ran into any stormy weather or started to sink, we’d do everything we could to repair and/or reroute our relation-ship before even thinking about jumping off. This confidence also helped us have a lot of fun, and not get distracted by the inevitable ‘small stuff’ that only matters when there are underlying worries.
Happy Travels!
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Agree with the basic idea, but the sexist assumption of genders associated with the roles/attitudes described is grating.