Jon Vaughn liked the kissing part of kissing a lot of frogs. But eventually, he just had to break up with online dating.
As of September 21, 2013, my 32nd birthday, I will be giving myself the gift of good riddance and removing myself from Match.com. This chapter of my dating experience ends prematurely, as my subscription doesn’t expire until October 31st, but I’ve been spooked enough already. My mom told me, before this all began, that I’d need to kiss a few frogs to find her. I like kissing; who doesn’t? I think it comes down to me being afraid of getting warts though. My first struggle was writing “About Me.” That’s a tough one. I love my daughters, and try to be the best dad I know how, but that isn’t me. I love going to the movies, or staying in and ordering a pizza, but that isn’t me. I like having a cold and hearty beer, but that isn’t me. I enjoy going to the beach, but that isn’t me. I like having just enough money to get by, but I’d like a bunch of it too, so that isn’t me either. Writing “About Me” was harder than creating a resume for a job I’m completely under-qualified for. It was easier for me to write “About Her” instead, so I did.
Once my profile was active, I started receiving messages. One of my very first encounters went like this: HER: Hey, I really enjoyed your profile. Not sure if we’d be a match or not but send me a message whenever you’d like. ME: Yea I don’t think we’re going to be a match, but you’re welcome to keep in touch and maybe we could end up being friends. HER: Why is that? Is it because I lost a child? How does one respond to that, if at all? It took me two days to send my condolences, offer words of hope and happiness, and tell her the truth, that I had no physical attraction to her and it has nothing to do with her losing a child. I ended it with, “Take care,” the same last two words said to any of my exes, meaning: Yep, this is kaput. So I moved on to other incoming messages. This one went like this: HER: How’s your day going? ME: Pretty good. Just wrapping up a project I’ve been working on for a client, going to meet my buddy for dinner, then head home. How about you? What do you do for work? HER: I’m actually not working at the moment seeming as I’m due in 3 weeks with a baby girl. lol Could have seriously done without that, but she seemed happy. It’s her choice to date when she wants, and it’s my choice to say, “Hell no,” by saying nothing at all. Is it the right time for a woman to date, three weeks out from having a baby? That’s not for me to decide; that’s her choice. I wished her the best of luck, in my mind.
I started going through profiles, intently reading the profiles with pictures that were intriguing. As I read, I became discouraged. I’m looking for an artsy, creative, goofily honest woman with sincerity and originality that’s willing to punch me when I deserve it. What I found was redundancy. I couldn’t find anything that wowed me. Everyone likes going to the beach; the movies; a quiet night in; an occasional glass of wine; dancing (not me, I mean women). And I’ve yet to find a profile that says, “Douchebags Wanted,” and if there was one, I’d be more inclined to email her. At least in a bar I’m able to exercise my five senses, even if they are slightly impaired. At least I can hear her laugh, see her smile, smell her hair (not like sticking my nose all up in it right away, but like her waving it across from one shoulder to the other), or feel her touch when she unknowingly puts her hand on my arm after a good laugh. Initially it’s about looks, but eventually I’d hear what she’d have to say, about anything. Life, cockroaches, twerking… it really doesn’t matter to me. I need to feel the communication, face-to-face. And if it so happens that I can’t make her laugh, her smile is brown, her hair smells like a gently used diaper, or her gorilla hands cause injury, well guess what, I still have my beer to taste. Online doesn’t offer what I need in order to know if there is a spark, and it definitely deters me because I’m a sucker for good grammar (not to say this blog post doesn’t have mistakes, it probably has plenty). Dating online just isn’t for me; to the point that by the time you’re done reading this, my online dating profile is already deleted.
I changed my mind and gave me my birthday present early. Surprise! I do want to thank every woman that has sent me a sincere email, referencing specific things that I wrote in my profile. It means you read it. Thank you for your time and take care. Ha! In closing, I’m not going to let guys get off the hook. This journey hasn’t been all that bad. I’ve made new friendships, and if they develop into anything more, I’ll let time decide that. There already exists a sense of trust with my new freinds and they’ve graciously sent me messages received from other guys. If there was anything I could suggest to a woman who dates online, read between the lines of an incoming message. Pay attention to exactly what they are saying. Does it reference something specific in your profile, or has the message been written in a way to appeal to more than one woman? Here are a few I’ve received, telling me that guys are using copy and paste and not reading your profiles; playing the numbers game. Except the last one, he’s just a douchebag.
FTD Fan Submission:
(click to enlarge)
Umm… he actually made me giggle. I wonder how many women have received that one.
FTD Fan Submission:
You remind of . well………… When I was about 18 I met Gloria Fitzgerald Wannamaker-Nameup. We were at a stop light. I finally leaned over to kiss her. Our lips collided and it was magic. At the same time a car hit her side of the car. I woke up in the hospital knocked out with a mild concussion. Gloria died that night. It’s a true story. I didn’t kiss another girl for over a year,,,,,,,,, Still miss her today.
Umm… this is heartbreaking. I bet every woman reminds him of this story.
FTD Fan Submission:
I HAVE TO ADMIT…
I really enjoyed reading your profile, think we have a lot in common and I’d love to learn more. I’m pretty confident that we’d laugh a lot and have a fun time. Check out my profile and let me know if you feel the same. I look forward to hearing from you.
Umm… I’d have to admit, I’ve sent this message to 72 other women. It’s a numbers game.
Last one. The douchebag.
Umm… I’d have to thank this guy for making it easier for other guys. Thank you kind sir; you’re making it easier for the rest.
photo by kakissel / flickr
Originally published on fulltimedaddy.com