No one likes to be bossed around and told what to do. However, you can’t help but feel like you need to intervene and say something before the situation gets bad.
When someone asks, “Who wears the pants in this relationship?” you see others steal glances at you.
Maybe you’re used to things always going your way. Or you want things to be perfect. But what happens when you can’t stop breathing down the back of your partner and acting like a mother? How do you strike a balance between being taken care of while also taking care of others?
The hard truth about mothering your partner.
You care about your partner and want the relationship to thrive. First, you start doing small things for your partner. You take out the trash when it’s their turn, or do their laundry when they’re not feeling well. That’s okay to step up when your partner can’t — a relationship isn’t always 50:50.
However, there’s a difference between stepping up and overstepping in a relationship. The latter is when you break boundaries and assert control. This sounds like incessant nagging and reprimanding your partner. This looks like redoing tasks your partner has done just so it can be better — like reorganizing the dish rack, refolding the clothes, etc.
When this happens, we build walls and block channels for further connection and deeper intimacy. Instead of communicating how you’re feeling, you assume it’s easier to do it yourself. But then you start feeling angry and annoyed because your needs aren’t being met and you take it out on your partner instead.
Your partner wants to provide and help, but it’s your job to show them how.
“If you’re not making someone else’s life better, then you’re wasting your time. Your life will become better by making other lives better.”
― Will Smith
The keys to a more equal relationship
There are many ways to stop acting like a mother in a relationship, but I want to highlight two key strategies that focus more on mindset and reframing how you approach your partnership.
1. Give and Receive Love
In a partnership, it’s learning to not only give but receive love as well. You may find it easier to do one than the other. In the case of mothering your partner, you find it much easier to give rather than receive love. Receiving love requires you to break down the walls, open your heart, and embrace the very thing you may be scared of— vulnerability and trust.
See, when you give love, it’s on your terms.
But when you receive it, it’s on their terms.
Learning to let go, trust, and be vulnerable may seem scary and foreign, but that is exactly what is required to build a more intimate connection and long-term partnership.
The next time your partner tries to help you, let them.
When someone compliments you, say “thank you” instead of brushing them away with an excuse.
Take turns with deciding where you want to eat out. Maybe even let your partner plan your next vacation.
The more you invite your partner to help you, the stronger your relationship becomes. In the beginning, this may require lots of learning and unlearning, but it will get easier over time.
2. Lean into the universe
“What is meant for you won’t pass by you.”
This quote also applies to our relationships.
Unlike mothers, we are not obligated to take care of and fix our partners like they are our children.
It is not your job.
Sometimes, you need to let go and accept your partner for who they are. You have to believe that if they wanted to, they would.
Maybe your partner doesn’t care about X or Y that much — and no amount of scolding, reprimanding, or threats will force them to.
Instead, you need to step back and think about what is most important to you. Ask yourself if whatever your partner does or doesn’t do is a dealbreaker for you.
Think bigger picture.
Don’t get caught up in the small details.
Is what your partner doing a habit that can be minimized over time? Or is it a misalignment in values that cannot be easily fixed? Are you okay with that?
When we let go of control, we see ourselves and our partners for who we and they are. Sometimes, the best solution is choosing ourselves.
I hope these two key strategies of learning how to receive and give love, and letting go of control help you to establish a more 50:50 relationship. Remember, as much as you want to do things your way, your partner also wants to provide for, and be there to support you. So let them.
“You can’t control everything. Sometimes, you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and just let life happen.”
-Kody Keplinger
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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