It’s Okay to Have Expectations In Your Relationship

It’s so taboo to talk about relationship expectations these days.

Some people look at you like you’re being intentionally difficult.

It feels like we’re all so burdened by the burdensome constraints of living in an expensive, high-paced world that’s not well suited for human health and happiness.

Millennials and Zoomers have had it rough in the job market. We’ve been screwed by higher education, forced to take on outrageous loans that will haunt many of us for the rest of our lives.

It feels like the world has been so unkind to us that it’s unfair to create a laundry list of relationship expectations for potential lovers.

Still…

I can’t help but notice the oceanic gulf between my responsible friends and my friends who are in their thirties and still partying like they’re nineteen.

I look around at some of my single friends complaining about how they’re single, wondering why with posts on Facebook, and I tell them honestly: it’s obvious. A long-term relationship is something that mature people should get into.

How can you plan a future with someone if you can’t even plan your own future?

I rest my case.

When it comes to relationships, I believe that there are certain expectations we should all have in order to maintain a healthy, loving partnership. To me, a healthy relationship requires both love and maturity in equal measure.

But building a healthy, happy, loving relationship is easier said than done. It takes a commitment to work on yourself. It takes unwavering patience as you weed through the endless fields of fuck-ups and manipulators.

And that’s where those reasonable expectations come in.

You can think of expectations as a shield that protects you from getting into a relationship that will lead to inevitable heartache down the road.

Expectations are what you absolutely require to even consider dating someone — you’ll settle for nothing less.

Sound harsh?

It’s not.

I’ve had numerous rough relationships over the years. I’ve been dumped, cheated on, cheated on again, sexually assaulted, and more. Over the years, I’ve been hard at work, slowly honing the modest expectations I would have for anyone who wanted to become my partner.

You ready?

They aren’t glamorous. But they’re practical, and I think they could help countless people.

I don’t expect my boyfriend to put me first. Love isn’t a race where someone must win first place, and the other must inevitably lose.

That’s so fucked up.

Respect Our Differences

My happiness shouldn’t come at your peril. If it does, I’m doing life wrong. But I do expect my boyfriend to at least consider me. I expect him to take the time to understand my perspective.

He has to at least take the time to consider what it’s like walking a mile in my shoes. He should understand what it’s like to be a woman. He doesn’t have to be feminine, but he needs to at least care enough to pay attention to our struggles.

I’d rather have a man who understands the crazy stuff women put up with every single day than a guy who holds doors before I walk through them.

I can hold my own door, thank you very much.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the gesture. But there are so many more important things I’m looking for in a partner. I can deal with the physical effort required to open a door, but I can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand my life.

So many people automatically assume you’re an exact replica of them.

They think their thoughts are the same as your thoughts, their feelings are the same as yours. But we’re all a little different.

I consider my current boyfriend all the time, and he does the same for me. I take note of the things he’s interested in. I read up on them. I scan the internet for interesting tidbits on the topics he cares about. I try to put all the time and effort I can into giving him surprise gifts. And he does the same.

He knows I love to cook. It’s a major hobby of mine, and I’m pretty darn good at it, if I may say so myself.

It’s not unheard of for him to stop by the bookstore and bring me home a new cookbook.

Sure, you can get a ton of recipes online these days. But he knows that, to me, nothing beats the classic feel of cooking with an old-school cookbook. He respects my preferences even if he cooks with a Google search and his iPhone.

I’ve had boyfriends who didn’t do anything remotely like this in the past. They thought just because they preferred something, I had to automatically view that thing as superior. That’s not a healthy relationship.

It’s a quiet form of control that dries me bonkers.

In a healthy relationship, people understand each other’s differences — and they respect them.

Have a Plan for the Future

I need to be with someone who cares about the future.

So many people live for today only, and they forget about tomorrow. They can’t imagine a time frame longer than a few weeks. It’s disheartening.

How can you build a future with someone who can’t envision the future?

I don’t want to get into a relationship where I save a pile of cash, putting it into a savings account and investments, only for them to squander it on Amazon, wasting my hard-earned savings on a bunch of crap we don’t need.

I’m not a money-hungry person. I don’t ask for riches. But I would like some security so that I won’t be dirt poor when I get older and can’t work as easily as I can now.

Today I’m in my 30s, tomorrow, I’ll be in my 60s.

Life is moving so fast. It’s important to enjoy yourself and spend money keeping yourself sane, but I don’t want a partner who doesn’t have the fuzziest idea of the future that awaits us.

He’s Got to Listen

I expect my partner to be willing to listen to what I have to say. You’d be amazed how many men simply ignore anything you say that isn’t happy and flattering to their egos. They want everything to be joyous all the time.

But life doesn’t work that way.

Life isn’t always puppy dogs and dancing on clouds.

I need a partner who’s willing to hear me out, who’s willing to trudge through life’s bullshit with me. As long as I’m being reasonable, a partner who listens to what I have to say is non-negotiable.

It’s a relationship, and relationships are complex.

Over time, any two people are going to have disagreements and grievances. They should be handled maturely and with respect for the other person.

When you are in a healthy relationship, you should feel like your partner is mature and able to handle the ups and downs of life. They should be able to express their feelings constructively and be open to hearing yours. You should be able to rely on them for support when you need it and know that they will be there for you. There should be trust, respect, and communication in a healthy relationship.

But respect doesn’t just mean holding your tongue. It means not being intentionally mean to someone to hurt their feelings, yes. But it also means being honest when necessary and holding them accountable for their shortcomings. I expect him to do the same with me.

You can’t say you respect someone if you can’t tell them the truth.

Don’t be ashamed to lay down some ground rules. Establish your boundaries and stick to them.

Resist the urge to toss them into the fire whenever someone really hot comes along.

You’ll thank yourself for it someday.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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