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Jackson Bliss grew up in a world of fixed and simplistic gender roles. Only recently has he understood how complex masculinity truly is.
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As a teenager, I was a tiny casualty of gender bullying even though I didn’t know shit about gender back then. After years of being a minor track and field star, one day I told my coach I was quitting the team so I could become a concert pianist. He said: —God bless you, son. These were the kindest words any man had ever said to me in 8th grade, words I would replay over and over in my head whenever I felt bad about myself.
After packing up my soccer and running cleats, I lugged a tome of Shakespeare and Czerny around the carpeted hallways of junior high like an exiled prophet looking for higher ground. Sometimes I played piano in the choir hall before classes. Other times, I sat in the cafeteria during lunch and scarfed down my food, pretending to be friends with the outcasts at my table. Mostly I avoided people and found redemption in art. Subverting the social order, though, (based on athletic affiliation, physical maturity and family wealth) had consequences at my school. Sometimes students harassed me in the hallways for coordinating my kicks, for dressing up for school or simply for wearing foreign-looking sweaters in the winter (my parents used to own a Eurotrash clothing store, so giving us store samples for Christmas was always the cheapest option). While girls giggled when I passed them at their lockers, boys made fun of me for being a pretty boy. Sometimes they threatened to beat me up for accidentally looking in their direction or they shot me dirty looks when I was holding hands with a cute girl.
Eventually, a rumor began circulating that I shaved my legs because I had no leg hair, which mutated into the ultimate slander in small town America that I was gay (because gay guys—and maybe Olympic swimmers—supposedly shaved their legs). It didn’t matter that I was part Asian and I always had a girlfriend, what mattered was that my masculinity be defaced so that the masculinity of the boys in my grade could be restored. The thing is, my mom was hapa like me, my obāsan had a thick accent and my dad was a creative and musical dude, so I knew I was already different than the other kids, with or without the requisite leg hair. In fact, it would have been impossible for me to be like them even if I’d wanted to (and I didn’t). But being different can be a major transgression in school, and this transgression is usually punished through gender critiques.
Legible masculinity was the only option available to boys in 1987.
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Looking back, part of the problem is that I grew up during a time when gender was a social template, part crowd control and part Schindler’s List. Gender was just one of the many calcified cultural and social codes of the 80’s. Legible masculinity was the only option available to boys in 1987. The less obviously masculine a boy was (which is code for heterosexual, by the way), the more his sexual identity was endangered. It did not occur to me until decades later when I was reading Judith Butler’s Gender Trouble for grad school that men don’t “own” the masculine anymore than women “own” the feminine, and that furthermore, gender performance has nothing to do with sexual identity either.
But when you’re 13 years old, you don’t have a sophisticated understanding of gender in part because you’ve barely registered the changes in your own body. To no fault of their own, boys haven’t worked it all out in their head. And frankly, neither have most adults. Maybe because society wants us to, we naturally confuse biology with gender, gender with sexuality, and sexuality with biology—an understandable but flawed syllogism.
The thing I wish someone had explained to me in 8th grade is that gender is an inherently unstable categorical identity and always has been, so I should simply focus on being a teenager. Hopefully along the way, I also learned how to (fall in) love (with) people, how to accept myself and how to be a good person. But part of adolescence is struggling with labels, and labels are simply the way we slow down time by classifying human beings before they become erratic. Culture is always one step ahead of the label maker though. The labels we’ve used to classify gender, and masculinity, in general, are woefully obsolete. In 2013, we need a new and multifarious definition of masculinity that is dynamic, not monlithic, evolutionary not static. Part of the problem is our binary attitude towards gender: for many people, gender has always been an either/or fallacy. Yet, with even a tiny bit of examination, it becomes obvious that gender is socially prescribed, and for that reason, culturally relative. It is precisely the elasticity of gender and of gender performance that gives us a fresh hope for redemption because this elasticity gives men and women the right to be themselves, whoever they are.
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The reality is, masculinity is complex, the very opposite of whatever gender was in middle school. The NBA athlete is a fine specimen of masculinity, but so is the librarian. The construction worker is legit, but so is the lawyer, the stay at home dad, the computer geek and the slam poet. The factory worker is a good prototype of masculinity, but so is the folk guitar hero, the gamer, the soldier, the metrosexual urbanite and the dog walker.
Just as importantly, sexual orientation is not a yardstick of gender either. I’ve learned from my gay and lesbian friends that hypermasculinity and emotional sensitivity, for example, have nothing to do with the people you fuck (or their gender). I’ve also learned that masculinity (like all gender identities) is pliant, contradictory and complex. It presupposes interiority and cannot be simply our physicality, otherwise we’re just robots destroying shit. The burden is on all of us to fight for male subjectivity whenever someone characterizes masculinity in terms of violence, aggression and primitiveness. By fighting for gender complexity for all people, men give themselves the space to be dynamic, evolved and contradictory.
If there is one thing we can do for kids growing up in this chaotic and often intolerant world, it’s to let them know that gender is not a yoke or a prophecy, it’s just a theorem of identity. Masculinity is like Luis Borges’s short story, “The Book of Sand,” a book with no clear beginning and no end, a book whose pages flip forever and whose content is infinite. In Borges’s story, each reading of the book of sand is both unique and inimitable. In the same way, masculinity is not fixed in time, it’s a project that each generation revisits, a cultural text that each of us rewrites over and over again until it comes out just right.
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Other articles by Jackson Bliss:
A Scarcity of Affection among Men
Why Love Doesn’t Have to Make Sense
Love is a Strange Song Inside Your Head
10 Ways to Love Your Life (First Installment)
Books mentioned in this article:
Stock photo ID:1085825494
Growing up in an African country I was considered feminine because of my light skin and soft hair. Many boys in my neighborhood would flirt with me knowing that I was male. Unfortunately this flirting turns to disgust the older the boys get so it was good I got out of Africa. What I’ve noticed in America is that gay men use props to denote masculinity. Whether it be a beard, flannel shirt, muscles, belt, boots…the list goes on and on. In the gay community it feels that masculinity is reduced to a costume, a type of drag. So is… Read more »
I appreciate the person view into the microcosm of your teen years. It is funny to me how often people still think men don’t go through any difficulty at all before adulthood. Sadly, the prominence of heteronormativity lends credence to the concept of gender roles (even though that should not be the case).
The divisive nature of homosocial environments often descends into jealousy; despite the attention from women, you were harassed for non-conforming; it’s almost pack behavior of saying “See I’m the Alpha, because HE doesn’t act like a REAL man”.
Kudos on a great article.
Any chance you could explain the statement about gender being a cross between crowd control and schindlers list?? Cant figure out the references in regards to gender…
Jackson can I just say I loved this completely, and that I agree with your views on gender being fluid as well as sensuality. I’m a heterosexual but I have made out with my gay mate before because I wanted to and I didn’t feel any different about myself. I wasnt a different person. I’m glad people like you are breaking down the walls of how we view and experience gender and sexuality .
Jackson, is the term ‘gender confusion’ a meaningless or nonsensical term?
Hey Jim, This is an interesting question. Part of me thinks that gender confusion could very easily be a result of someone struggling between two polarizations of gender + not necessarily fitting perfectly into either one. I’d like to believe that if we use an expansive, evolutionary + complex definition of gender, if we reframe the question of gender more in terms of performance + less in terms of “being” a gender (whatever that means), I think there’s a lot of room for someone suffering from gender confusion to find her/his niche. But I’d instinctively blame gender binarisms for gender… Read more »
Thank you for this article – I think that it has a lot of good things to say. I have been grappling with an idea that I view as a contradiction within gender binaries, and I wonder if you could give your thoughts on it. That is, how does the idea of surgically altering one’s body for the specific purpose of changing sex/gender fit into the idea of a post-gender society? If, for instance, a girl likes to play football and wear her hair short, doesn’t that just mean that she has chosen to express her womanhood in a unique… Read more »
Hey KR, This is a great question. I lack the expertise + the critical background to really tackle this question head on because I’m definitely not an expert or a scholar on gender, queer theory. I’ll take an educated guess, but that’s all I give you. Hopefully you’ll continue investigating + researching this question until you find answers that really satisfy you. Until then, this is my attempt at answering: One possible explanation is that it’s not so much that we’re a post-gender society as much as we’re becoming a poly-gender society, meaning that for some, maybe even many people,… Read more »
-j1b
I can identify with your adolescence in some ways. I was the skinny kid who dressed differently and pretended to be friends with the outcasts so that I wouldn’t look like a total loser. Now I am thankful that I was skinny because at 30, I am in incredible shape as age adds pounds to your body. So I understand how difficult it was to learn to accept at a young age that your body is normal and that you are normal. However I do think it’s important to mention pornography and the influence it has over what we think… Read more »
Ivan, Thanks for sharing your story. I’m not as familiar with the codes of masculinity for gay teenagers as I am for straight ones, but your suggestion of porn seems like a plausible one, though I would never want to simplify something as complex as constructed codes of queer masculinity with a single explanation. Realistically, there are probably a number of factors at work that can shape + distort impossible archetypes of non-straight masculinity. Hopefully other writers, thinkers + scholars will tackle this problem head on in the future. By the way, for what it’s worth, I’m planning on writing… Read more »
Really enjoyed reading your article. I am a choreographer based in New Delhi and I have just finished making a piece on masculinity- looking at it through various lenses. Copying a link here. Hope you enjoy it!
https://vimeo.com/71111382
Mandeep,
Many thanks. I’ll check out your video when I get a chance.
Peace,
-j1b
What the heck does your experience have to do with the Holocaust? The only explanation I can think of for referencing Schindler’s List in the subtitle is “it’s sensational and shocking.” Don’t get me wrong, I was called names in Highschool as well: Grew up in bible-belt TN, I was the smallest boy in my class ’til I finally hit puberty in about 11th grade, intellectual, nonreligious, nonathletic, hard to get along with, the whole shebang- I’ve experienced bullying based on perceived masculinity. Even in my most self-centered, teenage days, never did it occur to me to compare my situation… Read more »
Dear Sequoia, Thanks for reading my piece. I really appreciate hearing from you. In answer to your question, no, I didn’t use the term Schindler’s list to be sensational. I try to write nuanced + thoughtful pieces that examine and sometimes question our own culture, but I’d never do something for the attention. It’s just not my style. And just so we’re clear, the passage you’re citing isn’t the subtitle, it’s just a caption. There isn’t actually a subtitle for this essay (and even if there were, I’d have absolutely no editorial control over what it was anyway). In any… Read more »
Very well written article about a complex issue, thank you. As a girl, I also found I came up against gender stereotyping. I was always tall and strong, and I was always a nerd. Smart, tall, and strong, and I liked the fact that I was physically strong. I liked testing myself physically against others, and I got along pretty well with boys for a while because I wasn’t afraid of rough and tumble play. Most girls, even age 6 or so, have already absorbed the lesson that girls don’t play that way, but somehow I missed the memo. The… Read more »
Nicola, Thanks so much! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to share your story with me. I’m honestly glad you missed the memo on stereotypical gender roles for girls. Hopefully your story will inspire + give hope to other girls who don’t fit perfectly into the gender template to celebrate themselves for who they are instead of who they’re supposed to be. I’m happy to do my part to talk about the complexity of issues of gender + identity, but it’s stories like yours that will ultimately make the most difference in this world.… Read more »
Wow, I had an almost identical experience growing up! I was tall and strong (the biggest kid in class for years) and also a complete nerd. In 6th grade, I was bullied mercilessly by this one girl who made it her role in life to make me miserable. After going home in tears every day for weeks, I lost it one day at recess as she was following me around and taunting me (with her minions in her wake) and I lost it and shoved her then tried to scratch her with my fingernails. The whole thing was over in… Read more »
Anthony, I appreciate your honesty on this topic. As you rightfully point out, I’m not + cannot be the spokesperson of this argument, mostly because this argument predates me both historically + theoretically. All I can try to do is explain in a different way what I mean by gender. At some point, you’ll have to accept–whether or not you agree or not–that different people define gender differently than you do. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it needs to be pointed out. So, here’s my best attempt without boring other people on this topic. The question you asked is… Read more »
My pleasure to read your piece Jackson! I still aren’t following. I hope you don’t mind me trying again. <> Of course, no disagreement here… <> This is where you lose me. The buff dude loving guy is male. His gender is male. The straight cross depressing husband is also male. As is an effeminate and proud of it guy of any sexual orientation. The woman with short hair’s gender is female. Te way I see it: The buff guy might be buff because he likes fitness; or he’s seeks attention based on his appearance because he’s a very sexual… Read more »
I realise you may not have chosen the title to this post, but the good news is that research is documenting the arrival of inclusive masculinities. There is a book by Prof. Eric Anderson called ‘Inclusive Masculinity’ – see http://www.amazon.com/Inclusive-Masculinity-Changing-Masculinities-Routledge/dp/0415893909)
and my own research has documented pro-gay attitudes and tactile behaviors among straight youth. see: http://markmccormackphd.com/the-declining-significance-of-homophobia/
Not precisely what you’re arguing here, but a lessening of the damage of masculinity, and a positive step toward gender equality.
Mark,
You’re absolutely right about not choosing the title of this post, but I think the post title is effective. I’m interested in checking out Anderson’s research. I applaud both it + your own research, both of which I see as important not only in the field of gender studies, but also cultural theory/analysis because as you know better than I do, gender as we know it, is changing before our eyes. I’ll check out your website when I have a chance. Thanks a lot for stopping by + contributing to this conversation.
Peace,
-j1b
You lost me here: <> Not that I don’t want to follow, but that these words just don’t make sense to me (sounds like jargon from a social science that most folks wouldn’t be familiar with?) And you don’t bother to provide enough of an informational runway for me to land on and understand where you’re coming from. I figure you’d think it’s because I see gender in the either/or fallacy way (and I do), but you don’t describe why you see it otherwise or even HOW you see it… Just that folks see it wrong in your opinion. I… Read more »
Hey Anthony, Thanks for reading my piece. I really appreciate that. While I can certainly respect your point of view, frankly, no, I don’t see gender as binary at all. Much like sexuality, I see gender as a fluid cultural creation, something we both construct individually + something that is constructed collectively that also shapes us. We are all born with a biological sex, that’s true, but that biology is not destiny. What we do with our bodies, how we use them, how we express ourselves through them, the people we love, the way we express our identities–none of that… Read more »
I find it interesting that you refer to male traits as considered and female traits as so-called. You used a positive qualifier when referring to male and a negative when referring to female. This is indicative of a wider cultural problem, and it is binary. Regardless of how much social progressives want to reframe the gender conversation, you can’t do that until we end discrimination between what you refer to as biological sexes. If you want to be taken seriously by women you need a better proof reader.
Hi Stine, It’s good hearing from you. Thanks for reading this piece. Now, let’s talk about your comment about my comment about another comment, dizzying though that is. First off, the tone of your comment was kinda rude and condescending, and actually creates a divisive culture here, so please don’t do that . That said, I want to believe that this topic is something that you care a great deal about (just as I do), which is why your comment has such a punch. Second, I’d like to point out that a number of women have already contacted me, liked… Read more »
Hey Jackson: Thanks for your piece, but I have to add a comment to the comment to the comment to the comment; I read Faulkner, multiple levels of recursivity don’t faze me at all. Also, I know it’s long, but there are details that need detailing. Strikes me that you objected to Stine’s rude tone and then responded in kind. It would’ve been more gracious to say, “What I wrote wasn’t meant to be offensive that way; I didn’t mean for you or anyone to take it that way.” Instead, it seems you tried to verbally shut her down and… Read more »
I’m sorry, but I find so much about your response to be dogmatic, methodologically flawed, polemical, pretentious, argumentative, intellectually dishonest + unobjective, and also self-righteous, that I really have to question your motives for writing this response. I’m not going to waste time refuting your entire critique, I’ll simply outline the bigger issues I have here with what you said. But if this is long, it’s because your critique is: 1. I wasn’t rude to Stine, I answered her critique in detail because it deserved a serious response. I also asked her not to be rude or condescending because her… Read more »
Hey Jackson: Thanks for the feedback. Let’s just keep this focused on the central point. After something gets clarified first. Everything I wrote (and am writing) proposes a READING of the narrative-discourse that MIGHT BE extracted from what you wrote in light of Stine’s comment. I don’t propose it as THE reading, the ONLY reading, or anything of the sort; it is AN reading, and it is full of details because your narrative (your response) provides a wealth of such details. If I wanted to, I am sure I could submit it to the court of public opinion, and we’d… Read more »
Sorry, but I’m getting bored with this conversation because you’re just repeating yourself while simultaneously ignoring virtually all of my attempts to connect with + address the issues you raised. And you have not conceded anything I’ve written whatsoever as having merit + I think some of my points are quite valid + show a close reading of both your arguments + mine. Additionally, you simply make assumption that my response is based on gender + not content, but a quick summary of responses disproves that because I’ve responded in great detail to men + women in the same way… Read more »
Preach it, Jackson. As a person flailing around in the gender spectrum, along with a few of my closest friends and girlfriend, I must absolutely agree with what you have said succinctly here. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even “know” what a “woman” or a “man” is any more… and that’s not a bad thing. People are too complex. The gender roles that society insists upon (and those are MARKEDLY different in other cultures, let me point out) are arbitrary and have literally nothing to do with “inherent biological traits”. Before people get all excited about women’s… Read more »
Thanks, Jimmy, for reading my piece + contributing to this dialogue. I agree that people are way too complex for gender templates, which is why I think that thinking of gender as a performance can be really useful since we’re all performing our gender in a sense. Gender is definitely in our head. Sometimes I just wish it would leave. Be well.
Peace,
-j1b
Anthony, I think there is a basic problem of definition here that might be causing this confusion. As someone who teaches classes on gender and sexuality in a historical context, perhaps I can help. Here’s the basic problem: you’re confusing “sex” with “gender.” “Sex” is biological while “gender” is a social construct. “Sex” refers to the sexual organs that one is born with. “Sex” in no way determines “gender.” Just because someone is of the male sex does not mean that his sex determines his outward appearance, disposition, or hobbies. In the same way, just because someone is of the… Read more »