Just Because it Happens Doesn’t Mean It’s Not Painful

While everyone is living their own lives with unique stories, there are some experiences we can all agree are universal. They might not happen to you the same way they happen to others, but they will happen and when they do, they hurt.

The more “normal” things happen to us, the more people tend to dismiss those experiences. The common response is, “Everyone goes through that, it’s no big deal.” But here’s the thing to the person going through it right now, it absolutely is a big deal.

We forget this because maybe it happened to us before, or we saw someone else survive it. But how does that make sense? If you’ve been there and felt pain, why is there no empathy for the person still hurting? Truth is, you survived it but the person in the middle of it often feels like they won’t. So dismissive advice doesn’t help at all.

Time passes, and we grow older and wiser. But that doesn’t mean we knew better back then or that we know better now than we will in ten years.

“It’s Nothing” really means everything to Someone else.

I caught myself doing it not long ago. My sixteen year old cousin was crying about a bad grade in school. I casually said, “Don’t worry, it’s nothing,” while my thoughts were, “That’s lame, it’s not a real problem. There are worse things in life.”

Then I realized, at her age, it was a real problem. She doesn’t have to worry about losing a job or paying bills; her responsibility right now is getting good grades. So of course she felt upset. Who was I to say it meant nothing when it clearly meant a lot to her? I’d forgotten that those things meant a lot to me at that age too. Sure, worse things happened to me later, but I wouldn’t know that at sixteen.

We do this all the time. The more “normal” something is, the quicker we shrug it off when it happens to someone else.

Remember your first real one breakup? The kind where you were convinced the world was ending, your heart was in a blender, and no amount of ice cream could fix it? I bet someone older maybe a friend, maybe your mom told you, “It happens to everyone. You’ll get over it.” And yeah, they were right. You did get over it. But go back to that moment, that exact day when your chest felt like it was caving in. Did you believe them? Hell no. I know I didn’t. I thought they were lying, that no one could survive this kind of pain more than once.

Yet here we are, years later, maybe a few breakups down the line, and we’re still standing. We got good at surviving heartbreak, not because it hurts less, but because we learned it passes.

Dismissing someone’s heartbreak because “it’s just a breakup” is like telling them their grief isn’t valid because death is inevitable. It’s cruel, and it’s lazy.

Just because it happens to you doesn’t mean it will happen the same way to other people.

I remember a friend’s bachelorette party. At one point, I went to the bathroom and ran into a woman who asked if I was with the bachelorette group. When I said yes, she said, “Tell her not to make that mistake, marriage doesn’t work. I was married for five years, I would know.”

I didn’t say anything to the woman or my friend, and honestly, why would I? What kind of advice is that to give a stranger on the street? Maybe her marriage was crumbling, and maybe she was projecting her pain onto a stranger. Who’s to say my friend’s marriage would turn out the same? Maybe it will be better or it would be worse but who knows that?

What I do know is she was genuinely happy about getting married and couldn’t wait to be a wife. Maybe that woman five years ago, was just as excited as my friend. Life happened, and now she’s forgotten that joy, assuming everyone’s story will end like hers.

That’s the danger of “it happens.” We let our own scars make us cynical, forgetting that the person in front of us is living their own firsts.

A list of things that happen to everyone and still make us feel bad

• Breakups: Whether it’s your first or fifth, the end of love feels like a punch to the soul.
• Death of a loved one: Grief is universal, but no all losses feel the same.
• Losing friends: Drifting apart or betrayal, it cuts deep, no matter how “normal” it is.
• Rejection: Whether it’s a job, a pitch, a date, or a friend group, being told “no” stings your self worth, no matter how many times it happens.
• Moving out: Leaving home, whether for college or a new city, is exciting but laced with loneliness.
• Public embarrassment: Tripping in front of a crowd, bombing a presentation, or a viral social media fail.
• Failing a test: It’s not just a grade; it’s the fear you’re not enough.
• Being fired: It’s not just a job; it’s your stability.
• Losing a pet: They’re family, and their loss leaves a void that “they’re just a pet” can’t dismiss.

Sound familiar? I’m willing to bet you’ve been through at least five of those experiences already — maybe even more than once. And yet, they still hurt every time. So why do we so often dismiss it when someone else is going through the exact same thing? It’s common, yes, but that doesn’t make the pain any less real or any less tough to bear.

So, how do we stop this? Here are a few ways to start:

1. Listen, don’t lecture: When someone’s hurting, resist the urge to say, “It’s not a big deal.” Just listen. Let them feel seen.
2. Remember your own “firsts”: Think back to when you were naive. Empathy starts with memory.
3. Validate without fixing: You don’t need to solve their problem. A simple “That sounds really hard” can mean the world.

I’m not saying we should make a big deal out of everything, These experiences are ‘’normal’’, and thank goodness for that it means we’re not alone. But what I really mean is that we need to grow in empathy for one another. When someone is struggling with something that matters deeply to them, it does mean something, even if we don’t fully understand it yet.

Being empathetic doesn’t require agreement or full understanding; it only asks for an open heart and the willingness to respect another’s feelings.

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