Just Because it Hurts Doesn’t Mean You Didn’t Make the Right Decision

Saying no contact is hard is an understatement. If you’ve been through it with someone you really loved and cared about, a partner, friend, or family it feels like grieving someone who’s dead when they are actually alive and haunting you like a ghost everywhere you go.

When some things are forbidden the more you want to do it, is like an impulse that we have as humans, we want what we can’t have, so that makes the no-contact experience extremely difficult.

It’s completely normal to feel like things aren’t the way it supposed to be, eventually, there will be a new normal without this person in your life, is our responsibility to make this new normal good or bad.

You can miss someone without wanting them back.

For a long time, I believed that missing someone was a negative experience, that it was a curse to constantly think about someone and miss who they were or who I was when I was with them.

Later on, I learned that when we miss someone even if they aren’t what they used to be, it means some things made them memorable and there was happiness to share.

There was someone in my life who I used to care for so much and been in no contact with for 2 years and I intend to keep it that way, because that person hurt me greatly, and being in no contact with him has been one of the best decision I made even though it felt like I was dying at first.

I spent so much time fighting the impulse to miss him because he didn’t deserve that and after several therapy sessions, my therapist made me realize it wasn’t about him.

Missing him didn’t mean I wanted him back, it just meant I had a connection with someone and we made so many memories together, there was nothing wrong with missing him, that’s a human experience, what would be wrong is using that as an excuse to reach out someone who hurt me.

Instead of fighting constantly the thought of missing him, the tip I learned in therapy and that gave me a getaway was just to pick one memory, one happy memory that I would like to remember, and every time I miss him,

I think about this one memory only and it takes away all the anger and the guilt, it frees me from all the judging I was making to myself, just remember this one thing of who we were that has nothing to do with who we are in the present.

Eventually, you will miss them less, those memories will be filled with new ones, it isn’t worth it to break no contact with the person they were at that time, cause if they still are that person you probably wouldn’t go no contact in the first place.

There’s such beauty and comfort in letting this be.

The afterward of no contact is like a reward, we don’t realize how much we gain until the war is completely over.

Letting this be and sitting in the discomfort will take you places, and sounds like a lie, I could see myself going through no contact phases thinking how do people think life gets any kind of good after this?

When we let go of what we thought would be, what it means to find us will find us and sometimes is even better than what we expected if we are willing to receive with open arms.

Trusting that things will always go in our best interest is the beauty of letting things be, maybe that person with who you are in no contact isn’t going to serve what’s life going to bring you next and I’m sure that what we lost comes in other forms to us.

Had faith in whatever you believe in God or the universe, that you will find comfort, sit with your pain until it passes and after that, you will be able to see things clearly.

Remember to end with love what you started with love.

One of the challenges of humankind is to be empathetic and we tend to forget that when someone hurts us.

No contact is not an act of revenge, is an act of kindness to ourselves, we need to part ways if we want a chance to get over what happened, not saying is forever for at least until we think we could be on this person life’s without hurting each other.

The path to no contact can be brutal, often when we are in the midst of chaos we forget this person was someone we cared about and vice versa, that they had feelings and no contact will after both people in it, not in the same intensity but there’s no winner.

There’s no need to make it harder than it is, by fighting or worse than that just deciding not to answer one day starting the no contact without the other people being aware.

I had the experience of being in no contact with someone who decided without even having a conversation about it and quite honestly wasn’t the worst thing ever because I have the emotional awareness of recognizing that has to do more with the other person than me but it hurt a lot.

It hurt because after caring for each other, making memories, been each other support, I would expect to honor that and at least have an honest conversation, but it was like none of that happened.

So it made me think how we easily forget what people meant to us as soon as we are no longer in a good position with them, I believe that shouldn’t change, yes, I know there are exceptions like everything in life, but shouldn’t we try to end things with the same kindness with started?

If you are going part ways with someone who once meant so much to you, do it right, not because you have the intention of leaving everything on good terms so you could back someday but with the love that relationship once had.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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