Just Found Out They Cheated? The First 5 Things You Must Do

As the ultimate relationship challenge, infidelity is, understandably, a deeply painful and often unexpected experience that will shake the foundations of any relationship. The thing is, you weren’t expecting it (or maybe you were), and the discovery hits you like an unrestrained punch to the chest that leaves your brain scrambling for a response.

Before you do anything, however, here are five practical steps you should seriously consider because they will help you handle this moment like someone who is about to get their power back.

Starting with the hardest one:

1. Don’t confront your cheating partner…yet

Like many, your first instincts are probably, “Say something. Show them the receipts!” However, you should know that reacting rashly in the heat of the moment has rarely worked in favor of the partner who has been cheated on. Mostly because confrontations that are sparked by raw pain usually tend to spiral out of control.

In any case, your betrayer’s immediate reactions will likely be denial of the affair, avoidance, or even feigned anger. You can also get gaslighted or end up offering apologies you are not even sure you owe, which, in my book, is the worst of all. Therefore, give yourself a little time for pause so you can move with clarity, not just rage.

“Don’t automatically confront your partner. Try and find a time where you won’t be disturbed and you can have the conversation in person. Don’t do it while the kids are at home! Either wait for them to be at school or arrange for them to be looked after. NEVER engage in ‘discussion’ via text or email.”
— Michelle Thomson, Psychologist.

2. Quietly snag the proof of the affair

If you stumbled upon proof of the betrayal (messages, photos, weird transactions, etc.), don’t delete it, and don’t be too quick to announce it either. And definitely try not to leave any immediate telltale signs of your discovery. Instead, you can take a screenshot and save everything or email it to a trusted friend, because most cheaters, when caught, instinctively try to erase all the incriminating evidence.

All this you do in case things escalate (and they might), so you don’t have to rely on memory or good faith.

Photo by Ron Lach

“Proof isn’t for pettiness, it is for protection”.

3. Confide in ONE trusted person

Yes, just one. And this is such an important step that experts recommend your taking it before confronting your cheating partner, because the perspectives and practical advice they can offer you will help you feel more grounded and confident during the eventual confrontation.

My oldest friend Alex said he didn’t know it at the time, but confiding in only me about his cheating spouse was the best move he made. It was how he was able to avoid a truckload of negative opinions and questions, especially because he had decided to give the relationship a second chance.

I would advise that if you find yourself in this unfortunate situation, do your utmost best to resist that deep temptation to blast the news. At least, not just yet. What you really need at this time is peace, not a panel of opinions. Therefore, choose one friend you trust completely who will listen to you without judgment and also keep it off social media. Preferably your confidant is someone who is already known for their discretion and will help you carefully consider your next steps.

“My oldest friend Alex said he didn’t know it at the time, but confiding in only me was the best move he made. It was how he was able to avoid a truckload of negative opinions and questions, especially because he had decided to give the relationship a second chance.”

4. Ramp up your emotional self-defense (You are going to need it)

Sadly, apart from being an emotional betrayal, cheating can also transform into psychological warfare if you are not careful. Protecting your boundaries is therefore supremely important. So, for instance, if you share devices or have joint accounts, etc., now is the time to quietly but swiftly begin protecting yourself. Consider also changing passwords to your personal accounts, securing sensitive documents, the logistics of your living arrangement, and so on. If necessary, you can make notes about all the things you need to do.

“You may not need to leave right this second, but you do need a plan that revolves around your well-being and not their convenience.”

5. Jot it down now before the story gets twisted

As tempting as it sounds, this is not an exercise for gathering material for a tell-all memoir. What you are doing is documenting how you feel now before some smooth-talking scoundrel tries to convince you it is not really that bad.

More to the point, journaling provides you with a safe space to express your thoughts and emotions, potentially leading to valuable insights and helping you process the trauma. So, write it down (or make a voice note). Pour your heart out to your future self so they don’t get confused about what really happened and why it hurt. You will be shocked how helpful all this becomes later.

“What you are doing is documenting how you feel now before some smooth-talking scoundrel tries to convince you it is not really that bad.”

Before you go…

Being cheated on is a disorienting blow to not only your sense of safety but also your confidence. Nevertheless, it is still a blow you can survive without losing yourself in the process, and these five steps will help you do just that in the interim. Afterward, you can decide what the road ahead looks like for you.

For my friend, Alex, the road forward after his partner’s infidelity understandably had its challenges. However, it was a conscious choice he made not to let the pain of betrayal be the end of the road for their relationship. He chose to rebuild. He did not seek revenge, even by publicity. As you would expect, it took a lot of courage, but most importantly, his erring partner was ready to make amends and meet him halfway.

Whatever road you choose to take is, of course, entirely up to you, but as devastating as the betrayal is, taking these deliberate steps will help you through the crisis without losing yourself, and whatever decision you ultimately make will be an informed one.